I don't want to be left with all this, I plan to be there right by your side
Wednesday, 8. April 2009, 03:00:51
Okay soooo i decided to finally check this and update to the - hmmm about three of you - that actually possibly MIGHT look at this...but prob not. Anyways this is for my sanity, or whats left of it. Well today was rediculous. Once again nothing good happened. I woke up (late) and my dad was yelling at me because it was 8:30 and i am suppossed to be to school at like 7:40 or something. I didnt care though. I stayed in bed for like 15, 20 more minutes before he left me and i had to walk in the freezing cold with the wind whipping me in the face every second. It wasnt that bad of a walk though, i always find myself complaining - to myself - about having to walk places but when im actually walking i enjoy it. Anyways, apart from me already being depressed all the time that added to it x10. And as if that wasnt enough annoyence for the day i got a text from my dad saying "YOU HAVE ONE HOUR TO GET TO SCHOOL. Check in when you get there. Be sure to turn everything off before you leave the house. I am canceling your driving test. You can reschedule after you take more responsibility for yourself." I feel like im five again. I am being controlled and i dont like it. Dont tell me what to do, take things away from me that you have no right to take away, and dont talk to me at all. You annoy me. Well thats the basis of what killed me today. Oh and school, thats a given though so i shouldnt even have mentioned it. My parents are always making threats but they never come through with anything so i didnt really think he was going to actually cancel it...but he did. After i walked home from school, again freezing but enjoying it at the same time, i got a call from my mom saying that he took it away blahblahblah bitching and nagging, picking me till i bleed like always. I hung up on her mid sentence because i dont want or need to deal with that. Its not like i dont hear the same shit everyday. Okay anyways after that i decided that i was not going to talk to them, childish, but effective. I also would love for them to send me away somewhere. I dont really care where, anywhere but with them or anyone in my family. I asked about boarding school (yes i am being serious) and they said no automattically. I just need to leave. I really cannot take it here anymore, and they wonder why i have emotional problems and "act out" all the time. They made me like this. Im not saying its all them, but a big portion of it. I could chose to react different ways by doing what im told..but then ill lose myself even quicker than i am now. I dont like being told what to do. I will not do it, im my own person. No one knows me so therefore no one but ME knows whats best for ME. But thats besides the point. I just wanna leave. So after thier sevral attempts to talk to me and me COMPLETLY ignoring both of them they havent tryed for the rest of the night. Im happy with that, i really wanna disconect myself from this household because i literally cannot stand anyone anymore. When they talk my head fills with thoughts that usually say "just shut the fuck up" but it only actually comes out once in a while when it gets to be to much. Uhhhhmmmm i think thats it for today. I just cant wait for a brighter future because right now its grimm. Im not trying to bitch about my life in anyway here, just vent because who else can i talk to???
Im aware that the title doesnt have anything to do with what im talking about but it felt right because its a quote from the song "Stay in My Memory" by Bim, which i was listening to on repeat while writing this.
WIDGETIZE