Fat & Ugly

Why want a six-pack when you can have a keg?





Let’s face it: in the past two decades the airline industry experienced strong and unmistakable growth: the growth of its passengers’ rears. Sadly, seats for economy-class passengers have failed to grow together with their inhabitants. We, fat people, have a vast and powerful fast food industry to blame for our hard time “fitting in” (literally). You, however, the health-conscious passenger, have only yourself to blame - if you had a better-paying job, you could have sat in first class.

To help with this um… growing problem, I have developed a few strategies for sitting next to fat people. Hopefully, this will make your next economy flight a little less unpleasant.

Conversation

It is within your interest to break the ice as quickly as possible. After all, your flight will be a long bonding experience full of tears, anguish, and mutual sacrifice. Should you be at a loss for words upon seeing your traveling companion, try one of the following ice breakers:

• “Is it a boy or a girl?”
  
• “I see you brought an extra pillow.”
  
• “I guess the cargo section was full.”
  
• This one is my personal favorite: after you sit down, say “your shoes are untied”, and watch him try to bend over his spare tire yard to tie them.
  

Be careful not to antagonize your new friend too much: in a fight, not only does he have the weight advantage, but he’s much better padded.

Armrests

Decades ago, armrests provided ease and comfort to all passengers. Today, however, any innocent-looking armrest can become the site of a fierce territorial dispute between your elbow and your neighbor’s buttock. Do not raise the armrest!!! Doing so will signal your immediate defeat with all the sacrifices and tribulations it portends. Rather, keep the armrest down. Remember, the inability of your neighbor to fit into the seat is nobody’s fault but McDonalds’.

Meals

Many airlines have made great strides in fighting passenger obesity by reducing the amounts of food available to economy passengers. Fat first-class passengers inconvenience no one, so their meals have not diminished. Here are some key points to consider when eating your pitiful economy excuse for a meal:

• Your neighbor’s portly posterior will leave little room for unfolding his tray table. So, he will probably want to use yours.
  
• Your neighbor’s mini-meal will not satisfy his vast calorie norms. So, he will probably want to eat yours.
  
• Eat your meal with one hand, keeping the other hand on your armrest at all times.
  
• Offer your neighbor your drink. If he has to go to the bathroom, there’s a good chance he’ll get stuck.
  

Sleeping

We all try to catch up on our Z’s on long flights, especially fat people, who need all the beauty rest we can get. Hear are some important precautions to consider:

• Stereotypically (and as we all know, stereotypes are usually correct), fat people snore. A fat snorer can give a roaring turbojet a run for its money. Beethoven once spent an hour with a snoring fatso, and we all know how that ended. Thus, invest in a pair of headphones at the start of a flight.
  
  
• If a sleeping fat neighbor starts leaning in your direction, push him back with both hands, even if it means letting go of the arm rest. You may have to lose a battle to win the war.
  

So there you go. I apologize in advance to my fellow fatmen who may not enjoy such a candid portrait of themselves. Just remember: it’s not our fault. It’s McDonalds’s.