Thursday, January 5, 2012 10:19:37 AM
I don't think I can feel any more pain at once than I am feeling now. This hurts so much. I wish I could get rid of it. Almost 11 months later, I am still feeling it like it happened yesterday. I just want to be able to hold Chewie right now. I don't know what to do anymore. The fact that my grandpa killed himself just over a month ago doesn't help this feeling at all. This is horrible. It sucks that he didn't try to see me one last time. He didn't say goodbye. Why didn't he say goodbye?? I just want to scream. How could he do that??? I hate who I am. Did he know that I loved him? I found out that he was sick the night before he killed himself, and I was thinking that I would visit him. Why????? Why would he do that? Why wouldn't he at least say goodbye? He was so healthy up until that point...he just gave up. I need to stop drinking. This isn't helping at all.
Sunday, April 3, 2011 9:45:33 AM
It is so hard to write about you, or even think about you. All I can see are the final moments in which you struggled to breath. Six weeks later and I can't get that out of my head. I wish I could've saved you. Why couldn't I? I keep on hoping that the last memory of you wasn't one filled with so much pain, but I can't do a thing to change it. It was soooo hard to watch you suffer like that even if it were only for a little bit. You were my best friend. I can't believe you're gone. You took a major piece of my heart with you and life will never be the same. That lack of control is one of the most horrible feelings...all I could do is watch you die slowly...for 3 months. Three months of excruciating pain, three months of fear. Three months of feeling like there is nothing left. Three months of trying to avoid reality. I don't want to go on.
Saturday, November 13, 2010 7:33:32 AM
I didn't really want to write about this because I just wanted to forget about it, but it has been about 2 weeks since I found out so a lot of the shock and excessive crying has worn off. My dog, Chewie was diagnosed with thyroid cancer..he has a lump on his throat which is not only deadly in itself, but it is pushing on his esophagus and making it hard for him to bark, eat and breath while sleeping. He is my best friend and I know that is kind of sad, but he's been with me through a lot and is always there when I need a friend...always. I mean I know that pets have to die sometime, but it just kind of sucks that he has to go this way..I really don't want to face the day that he is in pain or cant breath or eat at all, and right now, its looking like that day could be very soon. I hope he makes it through another Christmas...he loves Christmas.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009 6:07:55 PM
So...I just made my lunch (eggplant parmesan sandwich), I took two bites and the freaking ritalin decides to kick in an hour after I took it. I figured I wasn't going to feel the side effects this time...and now I have no appetite whatsoever. I don't want to waste this food
Thursday, October 29, 2009 5:30:34 AM
It would be so cool if Xanax came in inhaler form...that would totally cut down on panic time. One or two puffs and then boom, calm as a monk. That would be awesome.
Sunday, August 9, 2009 5:19:26 AM
I'm relying on the benadryl and alcohol tonight, more than ever. I don't want tomorrow to come. I will just have to think again. I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 3:20:05 AM
Trying to get something off my mind, trying to get something off my mind, trying to get something off my mind. Is it gone? Ughhhh no!
Sunday, June 14, 2009 3:55:02 AM
11 days without any hard alcohol...I'd say that's pretty good! And although beer and benadryl pretty much have the same effect, I've been cutting down on that mixture as well...but the thing is that when I don't take it every day, it is way more intense when I do take it...knocks me out! 6 out of the past 11 days I haven't taken it. Hopefully I will be able to stop altogether.
My Opera
