My OperaBreaking Up Is Hard to Do
Wednesday, August 9, 2006 10:23:18 PM
You were like movies and popcorn2 , or peanut butter and jelly3 . You were the best of friends... last year. Now you've gone through serious changes, and you just don't mesh4� anymore. It's hard to admit it�let alone act on it�but lately you just want out of5 this friendship.
People change over time, so it's not surprising that many boys & girls find themselves facing their best friends break up at some point in their middle school years.
Unfortunately, you can't wave your magic wand6� and sidestep7� all the awkwardness8� and upset feelings9� that are bound to10� surface, but if you handle the breakup carefully, both you and your best friend are more likely to be okay with it in the end�to feel good about yourselves and each other. Not quite sure how to get from here to there? Hold on tight11� (and keep reading)!
�
Rule #1
Sleep on it12. Real friends aren't easy to come by13 , so if yours has been with you through good times and bad, think extra hard before you walk away. Remember, no friendship is perfect all the time. Take as much time as you need to think things through. Instead of breaking up with her right off the bat14 , try breaking up your old patterns. If the two of you typically15� hang out16� alone, invite some other girls to join you. Also, consider taking a break from each other for a week or two. Maybe you'll end up missing her and feeling excited about the friendship again.
�
Rule #2
Be kind. So you definitely want out. Before you do anything else, make a vow17� that you're going to move on without stomping18� all over her feelings. Don't ignore her, �forget� to return her calls, or start picking fights19. And never, ever vent20� about her to your other friends. It'll only make both of you feel terrible if she finds out�and she probably will.
�
Rule #3
Move on, gently. So how do you end it? Should you come right out21� and say, �I don't want to be your friend anymore?� Probably not. That would make her feel terrible, and it wouldn't do much for you, either. Instead, work on22� putting a little space between you, so you both have room to make other friends. You might say something like: �I'm really glad we've been so close for so long, but I feel like we're both changing, and maybe适 we� don't have so much in common anymore. I want to be able to hang out with other friends more.�Then follow through23. Spend time with� other friends, but� don't turn your back on her24� completely. Stay friendly, but branch out25� and make other friends, too. Chances are she will too, and the old friendship will slowly fade away.
If your friend is really not ready for things to change, though, there's also a chance she'll start clinging to26� you desperately�or get angry and turn into your enemy. If things get too sticky27, you may need to talk to an adult you trust to sort out the best way to handle the situation.
�
Rule #4
Look for the middle ground. Maybe you don't have to break off28� the friendship completely�maybe you just need to scale it down29. Sometimes people grow in wildly30� different directions but still like each other. This happened to a boy when he and his best friend entered middle school: �Fitting in31, being cool didn't seem as important to me as they were to him. Different activities during and after school also introduced us each to a new circle of friends. But,� he adds, �it's still fun to see each other on occasion.� Ask yourself if there's room in your life for a casual32 friendship with him. After all, you don't have to stop speaking just because you're no longer finishing each other's� sentences33. Maybe you can find a cozy34� space for him, somewhere between BFF35� and Some Boy I Used to Know.
�
Rule#5
Expect a rough ride36. Don't be surprised if you find yourself missing her� a lot... or feeling guilty that you don't. In fact, don't be surprised if you feel all kinds of weird37� emotions. Even if the whole thing was your idea, losing a friend is almost never easy. Keep reminding yourself that this is the right thing to do, and that you've done your best to be fair and kind to both of you. Then, start getting over38� it. Explore your interests. Invite new friends over. Before you know it, you'll be feeling better. As one reader puts it, �At first, I was disappointed that my �friend till the end� and I were going in opposite directions. But I've learned that it's okay. We had a great friendship. I can look back and smile because having a friend till the end taught me a lot about friendship. And who knows? There might be a new friend till the end right around the corner39 .�
People change over time, so it's not surprising that many boys & girls find themselves facing their best friends break up at some point in their middle school years.
Unfortunately, you can't wave your magic wand6� and sidestep7� all the awkwardness8� and upset feelings9� that are bound to10� surface, but if you handle the breakup carefully, both you and your best friend are more likely to be okay with it in the end�to feel good about yourselves and each other. Not quite sure how to get from here to there? Hold on tight11� (and keep reading)!
�
Rule #1
Sleep on it12. Real friends aren't easy to come by13 , so if yours has been with you through good times and bad, think extra hard before you walk away. Remember, no friendship is perfect all the time. Take as much time as you need to think things through. Instead of breaking up with her right off the bat14 , try breaking up your old patterns. If the two of you typically15� hang out16� alone, invite some other girls to join you. Also, consider taking a break from each other for a week or two. Maybe you'll end up missing her and feeling excited about the friendship again.
�
Rule #2
Be kind. So you definitely want out. Before you do anything else, make a vow17� that you're going to move on without stomping18� all over her feelings. Don't ignore her, �forget� to return her calls, or start picking fights19. And never, ever vent20� about her to your other friends. It'll only make both of you feel terrible if she finds out�and she probably will.
�
Rule #3
Move on, gently. So how do you end it? Should you come right out21� and say, �I don't want to be your friend anymore?� Probably not. That would make her feel terrible, and it wouldn't do much for you, either. Instead, work on22� putting a little space between you, so you both have room to make other friends. You might say something like: �I'm really glad we've been so close for so long, but I feel like we're both changing, and maybe适 we� don't have so much in common anymore. I want to be able to hang out with other friends more.�Then follow through23. Spend time with� other friends, but� don't turn your back on her24� completely. Stay friendly, but branch out25� and make other friends, too. Chances are she will too, and the old friendship will slowly fade away.
If your friend is really not ready for things to change, though, there's also a chance she'll start clinging to26� you desperately�or get angry and turn into your enemy. If things get too sticky27, you may need to talk to an adult you trust to sort out the best way to handle the situation.
�
Rule #4
Look for the middle ground. Maybe you don't have to break off28� the friendship completely�maybe you just need to scale it down29. Sometimes people grow in wildly30� different directions but still like each other. This happened to a boy when he and his best friend entered middle school: �Fitting in31, being cool didn't seem as important to me as they were to him. Different activities during and after school also introduced us each to a new circle of friends. But,� he adds, �it's still fun to see each other on occasion.� Ask yourself if there's room in your life for a casual32 friendship with him. After all, you don't have to stop speaking just because you're no longer finishing each other's� sentences33. Maybe you can find a cozy34� space for him, somewhere between BFF35� and Some Boy I Used to Know.
�
Rule#5
Expect a rough ride36. Don't be surprised if you find yourself missing her� a lot... or feeling guilty that you don't. In fact, don't be surprised if you feel all kinds of weird37� emotions. Even if the whole thing was your idea, losing a friend is almost never easy. Keep reminding yourself that this is the right thing to do, and that you've done your best to be fair and kind to both of you. Then, start getting over38� it. Explore your interests. Invite new friends over. Before you know it, you'll be feeling better. As one reader puts it, �At first, I was disappointed that my �friend till the end� and I were going in opposite directions. But I've learned that it's okay. We had a great friendship. I can look back and smile because having a friend till the end taught me a lot about friendship. And who knows? There might be a new friend till the end right around the corner39 .�
