ONLY IN SOUTH AFRICA!!!!
Thursday, 27. July 2006, 07:24:00
(Apparently, it's not only in South Africa!!! 
Well, it's still funny and it still has a familiar SA notion to it 
)
Actual writings on Mpumalanga (Northern Transvaal - S.A.) hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An example of future math examination questions?
Examination Instructions:
1. Please write all answers between the lines.
2. No part of this answer book may be rolled and smoked.
3. No children of students are allowed to participate.
4. Please leave all firearms in the possession of parole officers.
5. Bribes will be accepted at a minimum of R300.00
6. If this exam does not match the one that you bought in advance notify the examiner.
QUESTION 1
Elias has an AK 47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding 30 rounds.
If he misses 8 out of 10 shots, how many drive-by taxi shootings can he attend before having to reload?
QUESTION 2
Phineas has a 12-seater minibus, to avoid discomfort he never carries more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85kg, and piles 35kg of luggage on the roof, he drives at 140 km/hr and that his brakes are 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance be?
a) 300 m
b) 600 m
c) 10 m
d) Depends if there is another passenger to pick up.
Seeing you only need 35% to pass these days, two questions should do it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duties of Wives
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a South African girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Affirmative Action EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION
- Department of Labour
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE ENTRANCE EXAM
Name: _____________________________ (optional)
1. What language does a Zulu Warrior speak? _______________
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions, OR
give the first or last name of Scot Scott. ________
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) Plow a field
___ (b) Build a boat
___ (c) Cook a meal
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY?
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Catholic
___ (b) Other
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is the news at ten on, when the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand is on the 10? ___
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) ___
8. What are people in Africa's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
___ (d) Italians
9. Spell: one, two and three -
one: __________________________________________
two: __________________________________________
three: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
__________________
__________________
__________________
__________________
__________________
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) The Spar
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrica is the National Anthem of what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
give your age at birth: _____________________________
16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Which Town in South Africa produces the most oranges?
___ (a) Laingsburg
___ (b) Beaufort West
___ (c) Colesburg
___ (d) CERES
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have? ____
19. What does S.A.B.C (South African Broadcasting Corporation)
stand for? ________________________________________
20. Computers were invented when? (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
21. What is a gold coin made of? _______
22. Which of the following is NOT made from metal?
___ (a) An Anvil
___ (b) An electrical pylon
___ (c) A locomotive
___ (d) A pair of woollen socks
23. Who won World War 2? -OR- who came second? ________________________
24. What colour are the White Cliffs Of Dover? ________________________
25. How many lunch times are there in a four day working week? ___
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)collected by schools from all over the country (SA).
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh1ts. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gang-over.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, what can I say, I LOVE SA!!!
These are just a few humorous jokes and stories I've taken from a very, very funny site...
For more, have a look at GPSA South African Jokes Index
Well, it's still funny and it still has a familiar SA notion to it )Actual writings on Mpumalanga (Northern Transvaal - S.A.) hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An example of future math examination questions?
Examination Instructions:
1. Please write all answers between the lines.
2. No part of this answer book may be rolled and smoked.
3. No children of students are allowed to participate.
4. Please leave all firearms in the possession of parole officers.
5. Bribes will be accepted at a minimum of R300.00
6. If this exam does not match the one that you bought in advance notify the examiner.
QUESTION 1
Elias has an AK 47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding 30 rounds.
If he misses 8 out of 10 shots, how many drive-by taxi shootings can he attend before having to reload?
QUESTION 2
Phineas has a 12-seater minibus, to avoid discomfort he never carries more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85kg, and piles 35kg of luggage on the roof, he drives at 140 km/hr and that his brakes are 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance be?
a) 300 m
b) 600 m
c) 10 m
d) Depends if there is another passenger to pick up.
Seeing you only need 35% to pass these days, two questions should do it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duties of Wives
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a South African girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Affirmative Action EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION
- Department of Labour
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE ENTRANCE EXAM
Name: _____________________________ (optional)
1. What language does a Zulu Warrior speak? _______________
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions, OR
give the first or last name of Scot Scott. ________
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) Plow a field
___ (b) Build a boat
___ (c) Cook a meal
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY?
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Catholic
___ (b) Other
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is the news at ten on, when the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand is on the 10? ___
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) ___
8. What are people in Africa's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
___ (d) Italians
9. Spell: one, two and three -
one: __________________________________________
two: __________________________________________
three: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
__________________
__________________
__________________
__________________
__________________
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) The Spar
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrica is the National Anthem of what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
give your age at birth: _____________________________
16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Which Town in South Africa produces the most oranges?
___ (a) Laingsburg
___ (b) Beaufort West
___ (c) Colesburg
___ (d) CERES
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have? ____
19. What does S.A.B.C (South African Broadcasting Corporation)
stand for? ________________________________________
20. Computers were invented when? (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
21. What is a gold coin made of? _______
22. Which of the following is NOT made from metal?
___ (a) An Anvil
___ (b) An electrical pylon
___ (c) A locomotive
___ (d) A pair of woollen socks
23. Who won World War 2? -OR- who came second? ________________________
24. What colour are the White Cliffs Of Dover? ________________________
25. How many lunch times are there in a four day working week? ___
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)collected by schools from all over the country (SA).
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh1ts. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gang-over.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, what can I say, I LOVE SA!!!
These are just a few humorous jokes and stories I've taken from a very, very funny site...
For more, have a look at GPSA South African Jokes Index
WIDGETIZE
dante's news # 27. July 2006, 08:03
honeybe # 27. July 2006, 08:25
You can have a look http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_African_English
dante's news # 27. July 2006, 08:35
I've seen some of the jokes before. Down to the person's names. Some effort did go into SA'ing it
Is Ubuntu also regional, or too many African languages have it ?
Wakajawaka # 27. July 2006, 09:05
honeybe # 27. July 2006, 09:29
I was kinda feeling down for a while
Though, I like the South African connection they've placed on it
It's nice to laugh at yourself sometimes
The concept of Ubuntu is not only regional. Ubuntu is a sub-Saharan African ethic or ideology. It basically emphasises the Universal bond between humans.
I'm familiar with the Zulu concept of Ubuntu which says 'umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu (”a person is a person through other persons”)'.
Ngiya bonga (thank you in Zulu),
I appreciate your comments.
honeybe # 27. July 2006, 09:30
I really enjoyed it myself
Thanks for dropping by...
Regards,
Melissa
SorinPetcu # 27. July 2006, 17:19
NOLA_1977 # 28. July 2006, 16:41
At Last
Elizabeth Akers Allen
At last, when all the summer shine
That warmed life's early hours is past,
Your loving fingers seek for mine
And hold them close—at last—at last!
Not oft the robin comes to build
Its nest upon the leafless bough
By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—
But you, dear heart, you love me now.
Though there are shadows on my brow
And furrows on my cheek, in truth,—
The marks where Time's remorseless plough
Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—
Though fled is every girlish grace
Might win or hold a lover's vow,
Despite my sad and faded face,
And darkened heart, you love me now!
I count no more my wasted tears;
They left no echo of their fall;
I mourn no more my lonesome years;
This blessed hour atones for all.
I fear not all that Time or Fate
May bring to burden heart or brow,—
Strong in the love that came so late,
Our souls shall keep it always now!
Have a blessed day!
Caio
Dillon
MateoS # 28. July 2006, 19:43
honeybe # 10. August 2006, 06:35
Thank you for dropping by. Dillon, I love that poem. Thank you for reminding me about it. It's truly beautiful
Regards,
Melissa
musickna # 17. September 2006, 04:03
sicflow # 4. October 2006, 08:13
honeybe # 7. October 2006, 09:38
thank you for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it
Yes, SA is a great place to be, there's so much to learn here... just look at all the languages
SABC 4 and SABC 5... I say, it's about time
As for Zuma, I haven't really given much thought to it, but I think that as a public figure (not only Zuma), actions should speak louder than words
Thanks for dropping by
Quest2rest # 17. October 2006, 07:55
Who knew parents could crack a few.
Quest2rest
pfelelep # 28. October 2006, 05:47
y gosh, you can find such things in every countries, but those are incredible!
thanks for sharing
rodwin # 10. December 2006, 12:48
Honeybe u rock :-D
Maya.Maya # 26. December 2006, 06:11
offspring # 4. February 2007, 05:41