Horsey's Blog

Well what can i say other than it has been pure hell. It was supposed to be a great 24 hour period with me working and then going out tonight. It all started yesterday when i went clothes shopping for tonight. Could not find a shirt that would fit me. It was horrible and we spent hours trying to find one. Did eventually. Then i came home to sleep before my 10.00pm start and awoke with an aching back did only 1 hours work and was sent home. Have to get a doctors certificate that i am fit to work again. This all set off a depressive episode that has seen me crying for the best part of the day and questioning seriously if i should even be working

You see i have only been making around $150.00 a week which does not cover my bills. I have the option of going on the gov payments which will give me nearly $250.00 per week which will mean i am better off and i wont be working. I dont know what to do this has put me in an even worse situation mentally. the best i can get working is around $300.00 per week and thats doing three full shifts something i have been unable to do so far.

I cant believe at this stage of my life i cant work.. I need to be able to do it just for my own self esteem. I will tell you its pretty damn low right now. I have been questioning my whole existance since yesterday. I think I have it right and then the whole thing comes crashing back down around my ears. I called kelly out of desperation and the need to talk to someone, and i ended up pushing her further away again. I am really needy right now and I dont have anyone to help me. I really do find it very difficult to deal with things, even the application for gov assistance will be difficult for me because I am uncertain of what to fill in the forms are all confusing to my brain.

I know one thing for certain and that is that I am still not very well. Even though I have had days where I am well the reality is that I am not. I am scared and frightened of the future and I am worried that I am unable to survive finacially. I know that if I continue along the way I am that I will be more than broke in about 3 weeks. I am already on the brink of loosing myself again. All the pressure has been mounting for weeks now. It seems the further down the road to change I go the more I fall apart. I am getting fatter and more unhappy. Kelly says well just change your life. For crying out loud how much more of a change do you want me to do. I have just come out I have moved 2800kms from my last home away from any support I had to be closer to zoe. Now you on the other hand moved home to your parents and found a guy straight away you havent had to be alone. I have.

I was as stated earlier in this rant supposed to be going out tonight. This however was cancelled this morning when Katie ended up going up the coast with her BF. Apparently it was a surprise for her for all the hard work she has been doing. I dont blame her a weekend away with a man against taking a gay guy out to a night club.. I know which one I would have taken as well. But it left me feeling alone and low again. Something I had been looking forward too since Monday had been taken away in a text message. I am so damn lonely and there is nothing here to help me that I am aware of. I just want to find someone to be with and to love. Something I question if will ever happen again in my life.

I find that I am jelous of those people I know online that are in a relationship especially a gay relationship. I am so envious it hurts. I feel so alone all the time it naws at me and makes me think stupid things.

I am considering making this my last post here. I think I might need a new start away from my past altogether and this place reminds me of my past when things were better for me. When kelly and I were together and zoe was with me. I look at the photos on the left and cry when I realise that I can never have those moments again. The fears I have over loosing that little girl make my stomach tense up and feel sick. I am scared that with kelly finding the new man that she will be out of here in a year to follow him wherever he may go, taking zoe with her. I know she has told me multiple times that she wont do that, but if I was her I would do what made me happy. Moving to be with such a great guy would be one of them.

I see in Tony everything I was not to kelly. That hurts me in a lot of ways but I am happy for her because I still love her and want her to be happy. She deserved better than me from the begining of our relationship. I could not give her what she needed and that to this day still hurts me. I wish I could go back and I wish I was diagnosed earlier than I was, that way I might have been able to change to make her feel special like the princess she really is. Its not something I can do of course but none the less its something I have felt like doing.

anyway i am off to find a new blog site somewhere where my past isnt. I will let you know readers where it is.. If you want to follow that is

Horsey

I am conflicted tonight about how i feel about several things. On a good note have zoe over at my place, she is sleeping the night which is cool. Thinking about heading up the coast tomorrow to go see an online friend. Would be wonderful to catch up after nearly 3 years of chatting

I am sort of dreading working again. But i know i need the money. Its not as if the people are bad i work with, its just my attitude to the work, i dont feel I am doing my job properly which make me want to give up. I think I will be working Monday night Tuesday morning if that is the case then I wont be driving up the coast tomorrow. Because i will need sleep. It will also mean that zoe will have to go back to her mums early..

Everything is confused in my head im fuzzy and slightly manic.. not a good combination i can assure you. I just want some direction some certainty in what i am doing, its not something that i have had for quite a while. Its something that i miss quite badly is certainty.

Horsey

Well I am about to go to work, I was home last night sick in the stomach and have spent most of the day running backward and forward to the toilet.. I ate something that did not like me.. So its under sufference that I go tonight. Going to ask a workmate about the soverign tonight and see when she goes there. I will confirm her suspicion that I am gay tonight also Yes I am taking a huge risk but I think she can keep it under her hat at work.

So wish me luck and we will see how we go.

Horsey

Wow its nearly a week since I last posted, infact tomorrow will be a week. How time flys when things are ok.. I have been ok mentally since about Friday, though the day started out rough, I have been off with my sleep a little but other than that things have been fine on that front. The meds must be working

Had zoe on Saturday night even though I was feeling tired not something I think I will do again. Its not good for her an definately not good for her, I simply cant give her the attention I want her to have. Mind you she enjoyed herself and did me a christmas card which I have on my fridge.

Talking of zoe saw her today, she was all excited as christmas is here and she thinks she has been good enough to get some presents.. I have a couple of the larger items in my car still I think kelly is coming to get them christmas eve. I will miss out on seeing her open them in the morning but the only consultation I have is that I am supposed to be seeing them all christmas day. I will admit this will be the first without my family and my first a long way from home. I normally see my family sometime over the christmas new year period but not this year.

On the work front did a shift Tuesday night, and wow what a difference that was I would never have guessed it was the same place of work. I was really starting to enjoy it. As far as I know there are no more shifts for me between now and christmas but thats fine.

On the me front, kelly and I had an interesting chat today about the gay side of me today. I still feel as though I am Bi more than gay she seems to think that, I am not Bi but gay since all I seem to do is talk to gay guys etc... Me I am not sure maybe I am doing that because for the first time I am able to explore that side of me. I am not sure..

wow that is too much information for a blog I am feeling way too much information but will leave it for now

Well here I am again, feeling very average, why I dont know.. I know that I should go back to sleep even though its 11.30am..

Lots of things are on top of me right now, when i sleep they go away so i might just go do that.. and kelly if you read this thankf for everything you have done


horsey