Hungry Ghost's Daily Diet (TM)

I've reached the point in grant writing where you doubt every word, every sentence, every good intention you might have. It boils down to this:

Am I writing this because I need the funding to keep the program going, or am I writing this because I believe it will do good in the patient population?

Must. Remember. THIS IS NORMAL.

Yup, absolutely normal part of the process. It's because I live in a world where everything is coloured in shades of grey, nothing is ever black and white, except perhaps taxes and the need to go pee after three cups of coffe.

So shades of grey at work are fine, normal, but as I was saying to WD as I lowered her chair once again - sometimes the grey seeps over to non-work life and then I become incapable of making a decision.

• At the grocery store: Apples or pears? Cabbage of cauliflower?
  
• Going to work: Bike, walk or take bus? Umbrella or not?
  
• Choosing a CD: Male, female, group? Upbeat or mellow?
  
• Changing bed linen: White or colour?
  

Simple decisions can take hours as I fret over the various possible consequences of one choice over another. And that's my state of mind at present. So if you're actually reading this, don't expect any rational, logical or in anyway normal line of thought.

And we're off. I'm off. You might not be, but I am.

Woke up in a silly mood this morning, DC and AH supposed to arrive today from their cross-country trip on the 6 pm train.

First untoward incident:

• An e-mail greets me - derailment on the tracks, taking bus from Kamloops, should be in by 2 pm.
  
• Panic.
  
• Scurry around cleaning up, getting groceries but think "Ah ha! Perfect excuse to cancel afternoon, pre-thanksgiving dinner run!"
  
• Clean up somewhat on the deck as some plants are turning yellow from the cold
  

Second untoward incident:

• 
  
• Phone call from DW¹
  
• He asks timidly "What do you think of cherry pie?"
  
• I say, "NO CHERRIES. APPLE."
  
• He says placatingly, "I also have pumpkin"
  
• I say emphatically, "APPLE."
  
• He wails, "but I've been everywhere - there is no apple to be had!"
  
• I reply tersely, "MEINHART'S! Go to Meinhart's!"
  
• He whines, "That's too far away!"
  
• I pout silently, but pointedly, so much so that the chilly silence can be felt over the phone
  
• He feebly says, "okay, I'll go walk by that bakery on the sea-wall"
  
• I say, "what's keeping you?!" and hang up.
  

Third untoward incident:

• Phone rings, it's DC calling from Kamloops
  
• "We've hired a car and will drive down through the Okanagan Valley! See you Wednesday! But our luggage will be delivered to your place! Be well!"
  
• I have no chance to say anything as I hear the click of the phone.
  
• Damn. Now I'll have to clean the house again on Tuesday. AND run. Pout.
  

I've brought in the orchids from outside, always a bit depressing this as this really marks the end of the summer for me wherein I give up all hope of ever seeing the sun again until May. If I'm lucky. Now comes the time when I shall have to be ever-vigilant against the little spawns of satan tempting me to stay home, in bed and not go out to run despite the weather. Must. Keep. Going. Because I think I've made great strides (ar ar ar) in lowering my running times. Will put this to test in some 10K race soon.

I'll have to come to terms with the impending Autumn and Winter. There are good things about these two seasons, and I'll just have to remind myself of them. And look forward to various work trips which are coming up:

• 
  
• Another trail race in Summerland (ironic I know) coming up in October, or maybe Victoria...hmmmm.
  
• Boston in November - a workshop, but should be able to have din-din with an old friend, PJ, if he's around then
  
• Death Valley, CA in December - a potential side-trip which I'm thinking of...more to come as the idea takes root and spreads.
  
• Kuching at Christmas - this will be a trip home to see family and old friends
  
• Toronto in February - a review panel meeting, but hopefully BR will also be asked to review, and I may also run into MS if he's not gone to some warm country to escape the winter
  

So there are many good things coming up. Yesh. Must. Focus on those. BUT in the meantime, I'd better refocus the brain. And glaze the ham. Sigh.