My OperaFunny Stories
Monday, August 6, 2007 4:45:17 AM
NINETEEN
[ Blonde Jokes ]
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Lose weight
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to
reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the
first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose
5 kg.
They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all
kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell
him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a
door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked,
with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts
picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all
over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across
the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about
to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.
In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and
then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jeez, I was
so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20
more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time
he's standing by the door when it opens.
Out comes a 400 pound gorilla with a sign "If I catch you,
you're mine."
__________________
Had to do it . . .
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
.....................
Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
.........................
Freedom After 20 Years
A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the wedding reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the husband started to cry profusely.
The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's happiness."
The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried." He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened that if I don't marry you, your father will put me behind bars for twenty years.
Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "
-------------------------------
An English girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you.
And, what happened to my present?
Which present?
What I asked for: the English girl?!
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
[ Blonde Jokes ]
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Lose weight
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to
reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the
first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose
5 kg.
They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all
kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell
him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a
door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked,
with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts
picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all
over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across
the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about
to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.
In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and
then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jeez, I was
so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20
more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time
he's standing by the door when it opens.
Out comes a 400 pound gorilla with a sign "If I catch you,
you're mine."
__________________
Had to do it . . .
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
.....................
Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
.........................
Freedom After 20 Years
A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the wedding reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the husband started to cry profusely.
The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's happiness."
The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried." He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened that if I don't marry you, your father will put me behind bars for twenty years.
Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "
-------------------------------
An English girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you.
And, what happened to my present?
Which present?
What I asked for: the English girl?!
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
imagine_without_u # Monday, August 6, 2007 4:46:05 AM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
imagine_without_u # Monday, August 6, 2007 4:46:28 AM
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
Name: Date of Birth:
Height: Weight: IQ: GPA:
Social Security Number: Driver's License Number:
Boy Scout Rank: Telephone:
Home Address:
City: State: Zip:
1.Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:
2.Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____
3.Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____
4.Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
5.Do you have a tattoo? ____
If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.
6.In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?
7.In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter mean to you?
8.In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?
9.In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?
10.Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
.How often do you attend: ____________________________
11.When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
12.Please fill in the blanks:
a.If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
b.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
c.A woman's place is in the ____________________________
d.The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
e.When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised
13.What do you want to be if you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
Unregistered user # Wednesday, August 15, 2007 2:38:13 PM