Incarnadine

Every so often, I’m faced with an undeniable urge to commit my thoughts to paper; this is one of those occasions.

I’ve heard that you shouldn’t tell people about your problems, because eighty percent don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you have them. While this is an extremely jaded point of view (and a bit too cynical, even for me), it’s still somewhat accurate, in my opinion. Thus, I will do my best to eschew any excessive allusions to personal issues in this particular blog post.

There are two reasons for this course of action: One, I have a fair amount of mental "sorting and filing" to do before I can put much of what I’d like to say into coherently structured sentences. Two, I’m confident that most of the people who end up reading this post will be aware of alternate means for contacting yours truly, so if for some reason you really want to know more, well, I’m not quite as hard to get in contact with as I used to be.

You know something? Forget all that. Blogging is narcissism, pure and simple; why fight it? Actually, I just want to say one or two things and then I’ll let you go, I promise. So now that I’ve rambled on about nothing in particular for far too long, let us dispense with the preliminary pleasantries and get down to business.

Whilst the month of March fades to reveal springtime showers and, most likely, an alarming resurgence of insect life, I find myself wishing the best for my friends and family (and yours truly, of course...sorry), as well as reflecting upon events both current and recent. When I was a little younger, back when I still thought I was invincible, I rather ignorantly assumed that I had a decent understanding of life and its complexities. Years later, I realize more every day just how wrong I was.

Ah, well. In any case, I firmly believe - in fact, I have to believe - that there is no such thing as "wasted time" as long as you manage to learn a lesson or two from a given experience (and APPLY said lesson; that’s where it gets tricky for me). Whether I end up gaining knowledge about my own personality or humanity in general, the important thing is that I pick up something useful along the way.

With everything that life throws at us on a daily basis, it can be easy to get overwhelmed, depressed or burned-out, and sometimes one might neglect to show the proper amount of appreciation to the friends and family members in one’s life. Allowing this to happen, however innocently, will certainly result in waves of self-doubt and regret, two emotions with which I am very familiar - but in my defense, "hey, I’m only human." At all times I will attempt to do what I think is best, and that is really all I can do. I’m fully prepared to deal with the consequences of my decisions and actions, and I am not afraid of looking in the mirror.

My point is that I’m not the kind of guy who says, "I have no regrets;" honestly, I don’t see how anyone can say that, but to each his own. Instead, I’m the kind of guy who says, "I have many regrets, but they are an important part of me, just like my sense of humor or my taste in music. They are engraved upon my soul, and will not be released until I'm in the ground." Heavy stuff, huh?

I’m reminded of the chorus from a Nothingface song (you knew it was coming, didn’t you?), "Dead Like Me," to be exact:

"I realize
Time’s ticking by
Change what I am
This way I feel it
Like me now
Like you now
Like me now."

Good song, by the way; you should check it out. Perhaps a tad cryptic in spots, but I enjoy it when the artist leaves room for interpretation. Anyhow, I’d like to switch topics one more time before hitting the road; it’s just that I’m having trouble coming up with an effective segue - though come to think of it, I suppose this sentence would work nicely.

Spring can be considered a season of new beginnings and drastic changes, but it may also be viewed as a sort of reward for making it through the cold, dark, seemingly endless winter months. For me, this year at least, it’s a little from both columns. As I wait for the rain to fall, I sit and ponder my life so far and the choices I’ve made. Where will I be in five years? Even I don’t know. Alive, hopefully - but regardless of what happens next, I will live with a renewed vigor and a zest for life that has been sorely lacking for a long time.

I thank you for reading, and hope to hear from you soon.

- John