Post-OSCE Stress Disorder
Wednesday, 25. November 2009, 12:37:21
And I feel numb.
The hardest part, I think, is the flashbacks.
I just can't shake them.
As I sat there on the floor, leaning against the wall of the shower stall, I felt the water drops fall across my face and upon my body like rain, and I found myself imagining what it would be like if I could wash the day away... Like magic.
But, of course, I can't.
Regardless of how I currently feel, I do know that it probably wasn't as bad as my mind makes it. And I do know that I'll get over it eventually.
I also know that I am my harshest critic. But I suppose that's simply because I know myself better than anyone.
I know that I should have known better than to have spent that much time on a cardiovascular exam that I've completed in the required time plenty of times before.
And I also know that given the fact that I had written a paper on Diabetes Management and given at least two presentation on the topic this year alone, I should have been able to confidently address the matter with a patient.
This isn't about the exam. I honestly could not care less what my scores are.
The fact of the matter is, if I'm not competent enough to be doing this right, then I should not be let out into the wards. I should not be allowed to pass. And I'm okay with that.
What bothers me about my performance on the exam is the fact that I did so poorly on things that I should have had the least problems with. I suppose I'm just disappointed in myself. Looking back, I honestly think that I could not have done worst in the Diabetes station even if I had purposely tried to sabotage myself!
I don't want to dwell too much on this, but I suppose I feel that I need to write this down so that I'll remember how things were in retrospect. It would be nice to look back a couple of months from now, once the results are released, to see how accurate my assessment of my performance was.
What would REALLY be nice, however, is to be able to see into the future to see where my mess today has landed me.
Not very likely, I know...
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.















