| Serendipity |

So it's all over.

And I feel numb.

The hardest part, I think, is the flashbacks.

I just can't shake them.

As I sat there on the floor, leaning against the wall of the shower stall, I felt the water drops fall across my face and upon my body like rain, and I found myself imagining what it would be like if I could wash the day away... Like magic.

But, of course, I can't.

Regardless of how I currently feel, I do know that it probably wasn't as bad as my mind makes it. And I do know that I'll get over it eventually.

I also know that I am my harshest critic. But I suppose that's simply because I know myself better than anyone.

I know that I should have known better than to have spent that much time on a cardiovascular exam that I've completed in the required time plenty of times before.

And I also know that given the fact that I had written a paper on Diabetes Management and given at least two presentation on the topic this year alone, I should have been able to confidently address the matter with a patient.

This isn't about the exam. I honestly could not care less what my scores are.

The fact of the matter is, if I'm not competent enough to be doing this right, then I should not be let out into the wards. I should not be allowed to pass. And I'm okay with that.

What bothers me about my performance on the exam is the fact that I did so poorly on things that I should have had the least problems with. I suppose I'm just disappointed in myself. Looking back, I honestly think that I could not have done worst in the Diabetes station even if I had purposely tried to sabotage myself!

I don't want to dwell too much on this, but I suppose I feel that I need to write this down so that I'll remember how things were in retrospect. It would be nice to look back a couple of months from now, once the results are released, to see how accurate my assessment of my performance was.

What would REALLY be nice, however, is to be able to see into the future to see where my mess today has landed me.

Not very likely, I know...

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Today was the day of our Integrated Exam, which was pretty much supposed to assess us on the entire year's worth of study material.

And just like the first exam that we had three days ago (Thursday, November 19), I felt empty at the end of it.

The thought that kept coming into my mind after I had submitted my paper was, 'Wait... That was IT?'

Regardless of how easy or tough the papers are, I suppose I enjoy sitting an exam that's fair. And I personally didn't feel like either papers this time around were representative of the work that we've done so far.

Granted, I understand that they can't test us on EVERYTHING we've done. But you sort of know when you've sat for a fair paper, where even if you don't know the answers to all the questions, you understand the significance of them asking you those questions and you realise why it's important to know.

These exams felt like they were... Well... A little random.

So I guess I felt a little cheated.

In fact, if I had to grade those two exams, I think I'd probably give them a C grade. So I'm hoping they'll work a little harder and give us better exams next year.

On another note, I Christmas-uped for the exam today!

I wore a 'Naughty' headband, a Rudolph pin that lights up, and a badge that said: 'Dear Santa, I can explain.'

It was good fun.



Here's hoping my next exams (OSCEs) will be just as fun.

But at this point, honestly... The holidays couldn't come any sooner!

1. I woke up this morning and was greeted by Boo. Jet black and absolutely gorgeous, I am in love with that cat. We curled up and snuggled for a bit, and in no time at all, I felt comforted and healed.

I love Boo.


2. I love it when things magically fall into place. We had our doubts about raising enough funds for the hospital, but just one day into it, we have secured a stethoscope for donation (courtesy of my Community Placement Organisation) and obtained the price of a vacuum extractor for the birth unit (or... 'The Baby'! ), which turned out to be far cheaper than I had anticipated!

I am over the moon. I really think we can make this work, and it's going to be FANTASTIC.


3. My final written exam is two days away.

Well, one day away, if you count the fact that today is done.

Is it strange that I feel fine?...

I was worried about it for a very long time, but now it's finally here and I'm just keen to do my best and get on to bigger and better things.

I'm reminded of a conversation that I had with Cassie not too long ago.


Cassandra: But you're brilliant!

Kate: I don't feel brilliant.

Cassandra: That's a confidence issue. That has nothing to do with your abilities.


She doesn't know this, but that was probably the most helpful (not to mention the most practical) thing anyone has ever said to me about this exam.

It struck me at the time that she was absolutely right. My confidence is shot. I didn't plan for it, it wasn't my choice, and it's a shame that it happened, but the fact of the matter is, I need to wake up. I need to save myself before I drown in this.

Because with the issue of confidence, I'm the only one who can.

I know it's too late to hope for a miracle, but I still have a day.

And I can work wonders in a day.

Just watch me.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

---------

I threw myself face down on Roxy's bed.

Which, by the way, happens to be the comfiest bed in the world.

(Yes, yes... My bed was dethroned.)

Thinking I was the only living being in the room, I turned my head to the left, only to find a pair of gorgeous green eyes looking right at me, through darkness, just two inches from my face.



After the initial start (in which I held my breath for a full 3 seconds), I slowly let out a thoughtful, "Hmm..."

To which the cat responded with a questioning, "Meow??"

...

I swear that cat is human.




Hehe...

I love that cat.

We have a understanding.