What Was She Thinking?!

I just seem to be collecting gadgets like my black wool skirt collects cat hair these days. I recently upgraded my cellphone to a Motorola Slvr L7c, one of the few "candybar" style phones Verizon offers anymore. (Why in God's name does everyone want a flip phone?) I'd always lusted after the Palm Treo series, hoping that it would replace the Sony Clie TJ37 PDA that I'd been carrying around for years to surf the net, read e-books and play MP3s. But I could never justify the steep price of the Treos (even with my Verizon $100 discount).

So I had settled, this past October, for the Motorola Slvr. (I had always pronounced this "silver" because my Moto was silver in color; but I found from viewing a cNet video review of this phone that it is indeed prounounced "sliver.") I never liked that damn thing from jump street. First of all, you can't use any old headset without a special adapter. And the adapter is the same portal for the charger. So I got a bluetooth headset. But .. gotcha .. you can't use the phone while it's charging. So there would be no fighting over the same hole in the phone. Gah. It got worse from there. It was just hard to use, it didn't fit my hand well, I caught it sneaking onto the internet a few times. Nightmarish.

The Slvr does have one, and only one, drop dead wonderful feature that I have not seen on any phone I've ever had, but which IMHO should be mandatory on every cell phone. That is that the phone talks when you are dialing a number, so you have verbal confirmation that you pressed the intended keys.

Out with the old..

I bit the bullet and got a very nice used Treo 700P, Verizon-ready, off e-Bay for way less than $200. Within half an hour after ripping the box open, I had it activated and up and running. I just got back from the Verizon store where I had them convert all my contact info from the Slvr to the Treo. I've already synced it with my Palm Desktop and installed some of my favorite Palm apps (Bejeweled, Mummy Maze, ICQ [watch out, Ivan], Moblog, Adobe Reader, Aero Player and List Maker) and some e-Books!

I've tried texting a few friends but I haven't heard back from them to see if my message actually made it through or not. One thing I already don't like about this Treo (yeah, I'm a picky little shit, aren't I?) is that with the Clie (also running Palm OS 5), you could actually tap an icon for every application and bring up a menu for that application and you could also close that application the same way. If you can do this with the Treo, I haven't figured out how, so I end up turning it off and back on again. Also, unlike my Clie, there is no handwriting application or onscreen keyboard (the Nokia has this as well, and it pops up intuitively whenever data entry is required), just the chiclet keys on the front of the phone. So that will take some getting used to.

Something I like (because my eyesight is so bad) is that you can either use the chiclet keys to dial a telephone number (why?) or you can use the big fat onscreen keypad (yayness). There is no audible confirmation as there was with the Slvr, but the keys are big enough that I haven't had to wonder whether I hit the right key or not.

I mean, I've only had this phone for less than 24 hours, and even though there are some things I think it could do better (and I'm constantly comparing it to my other beloved gadgets such as the Clie and the Nokia), I think I finally found a phone I can live with. At least until it's time to upgrade again, October 2009!

In with the new!

Now, I've got three gizmos in my purse that are capable of going online (the Clie, my Nokia Internet Tablet and now this Treo, although the Nokia has the best, brightest screen). All three play music (the Nokia being the less desirable music player), and all three have IM capabilities (although only the Clie and the Treo use native ICQ; the Nokia can only use IMs other than GoogleTalk and Skype via a web-based service such as KoolIM or Meebo). I think I have enough, don't you?

And by the way, I'm selling my barely two-month old Verizon-ready Motorola Slvr for $30 plus $5 shipping and that includes the 1GB mini-SD card, a custom Verizon carry case with belt clip, a car charger and adapter. PM me if you are interested and live in the Continental U.S.

From the depraved antimotivators at Despair.com, comes the Do It Yourself Demotivator. Behold my results:

When you pay a professional for a professional service, it should safely be assumed that you care enough to have quality work done, right? Riiiight. Sometimes, that doesn't appear to be the case. If any of my future or prospective web design clients are reading this, here are a few pointers to make sure our business relationship gets off to a good start, and stays on an even keel.

1. Pay me. Work doesn't start until and unless I get paid. Hey, didn't your momma tell you? It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

2. Keeping me on the telephone or ICQ for hours on end while you talk aloud to yourself about your design wants and needs, your goals for your web site, and why your nine year old is failing basic math constitutes "consultation." Expect a bill from me for that service. Oh, and see Item 1 above.

3. You wouldn't tell your surgeon how to take out your spleen, now would you? Yet, you'd be amazed at the number of folks (pretty much all of them) who have no problem telling me how to render their site. And these are the same folks who worship at the altar of Cheesy Web Design. See Item 5 below.

4. My graphic artist, the better half of my web design partnership, is just that: an artist. Artists by nature are moody, temperamental, and sensitive creatures. They do not take kindly to being told to rip apart their creations, the very same ones that were done only after careful consideration of all your design wishes and the three hours you spent on chat with ME. While artists suffer, I will not allow this one to suffer at YOUR hands! So if you are going to do that, again, expect another bill. And not only shall I refer you to Item 1 above, but I will also remind you that he gets to charge twice what I do.

5. You can lead a web designer to XML but you can't make him use blinking text. Don't ask me to incorporate cheesy, gay elements into your web design. (Unless your web site is called "Cheesy Web Design Exposed" or something similar.) There are neurons still misfiring in my brain from that really bad web page I stumbled onto back in 1999. You know the one, it has that badly tiled background, clashing text, blinking text, a hideous looping MIDI, and no less than 100 animated gifs parading across the page. And uses frames. If it's this kind of web design you are after, save your money and get your nine year old to do it for free.

6. Learn to count. Your contract specifies that you get two free comps. Two. Not 22. And that you will be billed for anything above and beyond that at our fixed rate. So even if you can't count, rest assured that we can. So expect a bill accordingly. And, yep, you guessed it. See Item 1 above.

7. Changing your mind about the entire layout of the site days before the site goes live after you've signed off on every single detail of the site up to that point is sheer folly. The reason we have site milestones is to give you a chance to change your mind. Now, we don't mind if you change your mind at all. Because we get to charge anew for this new work. (Yeah, we DO; read the freaking contract! And see Item 1 above.)

8. Calling me on the phone at 2AM asking me if you can shoot me two more images to be worked into your banner (after you signed off on it three days ago) not only gets you a new invoice but I might decide (since I don't think too clearly after being woken from a sound sleep) to jack up my rates right about that time. It's called free enterprise and it's the American Way.

9. If you break something on your site, we'll be happy to fix it for you. For a fee. Because I'd be willing to bet my bootleg copy of PhotoShop that you were mucking around in some part of your site you had no clue about, trashed a database, munged a template or did some other evil deed. This kind of stuff is best left to trained professionals, mkay? Or put more bluntly: Leave it the fuck alone! And see Item 1.

10. If you are happy with our work (and why wouldn't you be?), be sure to tell all your friends! Our reputation is built on word of mouth.

To all my wonderful web design clients, who are NOT the source of inspiration for this post,

We appreciate your business. Come see us again!

And to everyone else who wants a kick ass web site, hire us, will ya?

That is all. Carry on.

I've been drinking VitaminWater by Glaceau. I had noticed one of the labels on my fruit punch-flavored water and commented to a friend about the marketing genius of it, catering to the Club Crowd with this copy:

Everyone loves going out, downing cocktails and partying like a B-list celebrity, but with the glory comes the pain -- body aches, cotton mouth and a splitting headache the next day that would bring even the mighty Superman to his knees.

With that said, we loaded this product with b vitamins and potassium to help your body recover, so now you can party like it's 1999 and still wake up feeling like a million bucks. $750K if you woke up on the bathroom floor.

Now, sign me up for a job where all I had to do was come up with clever copy like that! But wait; there's more!

Power-C (dragonfruit):

Despite having the word "Dragon" in its name, no actual dragons were harmed in the making of this product. However, with 250% of the RDI of vitamin C inside, the fruit wasn't so lucky. With that said, we'd also like to inform some of you that dragons are actually imaginary. That means they don't exist. So, will you please, please, please stop sending us nasty letters. Thank you.

Formula 50 (grape):

50 cent's new album is bound to go platinum, so Formula 50 decided to go platinum too. Not to be outdone, we are happy to announce the release of our own album, "Hydrate or die tryin." All we need is one little shout-out at the MTV video music awards. Suckaz be movin' out the way at them beverage conferences. Plus, our drink has the nutrients you need to fuel you through your day. That's just how we roll here in Queens.

Life is SO UNFAIR. Why does HE get to have all the fun?! As Lucy Van Pelt would say: "Whaaaaaaa!!!!!"

Did I tell you how I, much like a magpie, am drawn to bright, shiny, pretty things? Notice that this beauty (and really, if it didn't do any of the myriad things it does do, if it just sat there on my coffee table, or my dresser, or nightstand, looking quite like a sculpture, that would be okay, too) is not, I repeat, not, available in the U.S.