What Was She Thinking?!

This just goes to show that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Think you have me figured out? Think you have the women in your life figured out? There are several types of women out there. Here's a guide to help you find your way.

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER!

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off!

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her!

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs!

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is pretty to look at but good for absolutely nothing!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access!

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her!

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful!

E-MAIL Woman:
Out of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense!

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to get rid of her, you will lose something, if you don't try to get rid of her, you will lose everything.

You Know You're From Texas When...

* You only know five spices: Salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, barbecue sauce and ketchup.

* You have ten favorite recipes for deer meat.

* You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

* The local paper covers national and international headlines on a quarter page, but requires six pages for local sports.

* You can write a check at Dairy Queen for two Hunger-Busters and fries.

* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

* You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

* You know four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season.

* You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan friends.

Ten Things a Texan Would NEVER Say!

1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

3. Duct tape won't fix that.

4. We don't keep firearms in this house.

5. You can't feed that to the dog.

6. I thought Graceland was tacky.

7. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

8. Wrestling's fake.

9. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

10. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

Twisted Definitions for $500, please, Alex!

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.