Monday, 21. July 2008, 03:49:32
Maybe I'm asking for too much.
Maybe my expectations are too high.
Maybe if i just forget about what I want in this, I will get it..
I need to be a more simple person.
goodnight
Sunday, 20. July 2008, 05:13:39
I'm tired...
took 3 vicodin because my foot was killing me
and it helps me talk to him without getting upset
he doesnt think there is anything wrong.
attilasoul wrote something siginificant on my last post
" If you are all he has, he should treat you better "
when we were talking tonight I asked him if I was still all he had?
he said yes...
I said If I only had one thing in the world I would treat it like a million dollars
he said..
"are you saying I should treat you better?"
i said...
"yeah, maybe"
and he said...
" yeah, okay sure... so I guess I'll let you go to bed..."
Friday, 18. July 2008, 22:41:55
depression, passive agressive, love, cocaine
...
So, here's the deal... I'm going to spill all of this out to a bunch of people I dont know in hopes of getting a comment or message telling me I'm right...
Here it goes.
I'm unhappily engaged to a passive-agressive man.
I want to be just like every other engaged couple who sit around playing with each others' hair and giggle and go out to cute little dinners and plan every detail of their upcomming wedding together.
I dont have any of that.
I hate this relationship so much that I stay in it because it seems. at any one point in time, that it can only get better.
the problem is that it only gets worse and i only get more unhappy.
Its really kind of a long story but here it is in a nutshell. We have been together for almost 5 years. I met him when i was 14 and he was 16. We didnt meet in person until after "being together" on the phone for 3 years. In those three years, we broke up... excuse me.. "took breaks" around 7 or 8 times. One of those times was because he told me that the night before he had cheated on me with his ex while on cocaine and while drunk in a shed. I found out he was using cocaine alot of the time he was talking to me, He was going to therapy becuase his ex-girlfriend drove him crazy enought to stab 2 people in the leg at school during the begining of his senior year. Needless to say he didnt graduate. Got his GED and has been working at resturants on and off his whole life.
I know I'm better than this and I deserve more than this.
He is a good guy at heart, and he's really smart, but he doesnt realize it and doesnt show it most of the time.
I dont know why I'm still involved. I truly do love the guy but I dont think I'm "In love" with him any more. I want someone who is going the same places as I am, someone who has grown up and is going to college and someone who's potential they see in themselves and uses it to the best for them and for me.
I want something I dont have and for some reason i'm settling. I never wanted to be the one who settled for something less that she believed she deserved.
Did I mention that right now he is in Texas and I am in Missouri.
he says I have no reason not to trust him, but, in reality I do.
and most of the time i have a very hard time trusting him.
and when i tell him this, all he does is get mad at me. He has an anger problem. He does alot of yelling at me and being pissed off at me then asking why I'm upset or crying.
I guess I dont know really what else to say other than I just want to know I'm not crazy.
I know I need out but I dont know how...
"I'm all he has"
"I'm all thats keeping him from killing himself"
tell me something i dont know.
Thursday, 17. July 2008, 04:16:16
I have never blogged before, but i figured it would be a good, private release. I am headed out to read other peoples to see what is to be done here and I will be back..
(not actually going anywhere because i am confined to my bed with my foot elevated)
~* J *~
Alright, I wanted to add this...
It was written by a friend of mine who has hurt alot of his life,
Althought i havent hurt as much as him, I relate to this writing
When i read this, I think of him and think of how much he smiles..
and how it can't all be a lie
maybe he doesn't think he deserves to be happy
I think he deserves more than he thinks he does
but he wont let anyone give him what he deserves.
Lies by: E Lewis
i am a teller of lies
i tell lies to everyone i know
but most of all to myself
i tell myself that i am here for a reason
that my life has a purpose
that someday i will find happiness
and find love
that i've done more good than bad
and that nothing that's broken can't be repaired
i tell myself that i've gained more than i've lost
that i learn from my mistakes
that someday i'll be able to sleep at night
that someday i'll be able to let the past go and move on
but the biggest lie i tell
to myself and everyone else
is my smile
September 2008November 2008
