Too much pressure!!! Too much pressure!!!

I hope everyone will have peaceful night tonight and will enjoy the connection with the spirits:)

I love beggining of the winter!

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This is that something that I could call my hobby.
(I hope it's not as pathetic as socialising as someone's main way to spend passing time)

I live with a person who understands my love to any kind of music activities - it doesn't matter to him, that I sing along to EVERYTHING (and i do it pretty loud:)).
I am very much into anything that rips my heart and abuses my brain. Lyrics are just as important to me as music, so unfortunately I was not able to fully appreciate German bands, like Die Toten Hosen or Rammstein.

This personal love of mine makes my life much more bearable than it is, whether I am high or low - if I add a hint of music.


At this very moment I have got two guys (one playing drums, another one base) at home and it's jus the essence of life what they are doing here. Jam session in the evening - the best way to finish your week.

It's been ages since I was worried about things outside myself at all.
I go to work, I enjoy it and then I come back home and switch off my brain... I don't think about what has happened, I simply leave it all behind. I get happy moments, I get frustrated, I have my second life at work and still... I don't mix it with my first one.

And somehow - this isn't hard...

I have got these two separated now - althoough I wouldn't mind if somehow people that I work with became part of my private life - and then - it would not mix my worlds anyway. I think I am developing special power - super-mega-multi-tasking (as opposed to normal multi tasking, which all women are very familiar with).

This does not help me though with deciding what my priorities are. What do I want to do with my life, what to gain, what am i willing to loose to develop myself into the next stage... These uestions are still ongoing and it's hard for me to even think about the answers - I simply don't know...




A for today - i am not ready for any more responsibilities, I only just started breathing evenly through my life and i want to leave myself at this stage for a moment if that's possible.
This is pretty weird as I noticed I usually wanted for something big to happen, I was living from one big venue to another, passing the life in between, forgetting to live, not just be there, on the way.
I stopped this. And I am going to listen to myself and then decide what I want to happen next...

Oh yes, I intended it to look like a title of one of the well known songs.
People are so stupid...
I keep meeting them everywhere. They don't think, they keep talking and thinking rubbish, which means nothing. They are programmed not to see anything "above and beyond".

it hurts me so much to know I am not able to speak to any of them as they can't see behind the picture they have already pixed to my person. I will not change in their minds, not even if I killed someone.

I have noticed I keep feeling things differently, I don't know wheter it her (depression) coming back again and that's why I am so bland, I keep hoping this feeling will go away and I will not have to make myself to work in the society to survive...

Work, work... how can I work it out? How can I understand it?
Is this a feeling of lack of the "eternity" behind my life that is causing it?
Is it just chemicals in my brain making me silly and vulnerable?

Am I just exaggerating?

Or maybe it's everyone around not seeing what I can see?
Do I make sense anymore?




If the fault is in me - I may requre professional help...

... holding her arms around my neck.
Looking at me out of breath
Trying to sho me nonsense around

there has been a long time since her last visit
I don't think she's going to give up so easily this time...