There will soon be a society of Martix souls, not able to connect with another person on any kind of level. we will all eat, sleep, and have social lives online. (I must admit that is very much me - as it's so much easier, you don't have to look nice, you don't have to be slim, fit and cool and dandy. You don't have to leave home, and noone cares who you are in the real life... Ok - most people don't, but it's not many of them left there...)
We lost ourselves and our ability to be somehow emphatic. We are not able to support our friends in pain, unless we can translate it to our own past.
This song by Perfect Circle is something I keep listening recently. I thought I may as well share it with all of you that some across my blog and my online friends.
I keep getting worse recently, I think I am a bit down due to the hormones and I am just fed up with everything and I can't be bothered to be honest. Yesterday I came back home from work and got to bed. I fell asleep straight away, woke up after two hours and felt like shit... I am feverish - I think I am catching an infection, and this is not helping at all. And as an addition to that - we are very busy at work with this big take over project and I think it will require my presence at work every day of the week until it's finished. And that is... 31 March...
I am tired, and I still have got chores to attend to and then my book that I was supposed to be reading along with Hermitess... But when will I do it? I need a time stretcher... Just as Mr Ian said today at work:
"these reports will be allright, if we make servers working 36 hours a day..." - I need a time stretcher to make a day 36 hours long. Anybody's got one spare, they can lend me?
...if I even should post anything. I am totally incapable of doing anything recently. My body is swollen (the blessing of taking additional hormones) and I am irate, tired and sad.
And there is no one "real-life" that could support me these days. Everyone is tired with aching Julka, who is grumpy sometimes, or they don't have any idea of what's going on (like people from work - where I wear my mask well...)
But still, it doesn't feel fair on my on-line friends to dump all these nasty feelings of mine on their heads... I gained some more kilograms, I am 63 now, size 14. Not too bad, but much worse than I was three years ago, when I moved to England. My body is retaining water and I getting heavier though I haven't been eating more than 1400 calories per day. This is pretty frustrating, when you don't even have control over things you should have. Not that I am some kind of control freak - but getting heavier when you're eating healthy is not right - right?
So I stopped controlling myself and I am eating more now. This week I was eating when I was hungry - and I get hungry often now - hormones are apparently doing their work...
I am feeling guilty moaning so much, when people around me (and around internet) are having real problems. Like my new found acquaintance - Mr. Allan
... from my friend's 18th (for 10 or eleven times already;P) bithday party. It was very "hard", we were drinking, dancing, singing etc. etc. I am feeling a bit "hungovered" today, but it was worth it! I haven't seen her for ages, as we have some weird situations in between ourselves... concerning members of our "families", and it was simply good to see her after so many months of no speech.
Work wise I am going down in the extremely high speed. I am getting annoyed with unclear situation and I am seriously thinking about quitting and finding something part time instead. I know I should appreciate working in the office in the foreign country (as some people say - but hell! - I know English very well, I worked for it, so I can work wherever I want!) but I am thinking about coming back to bar tending. It was very good part of my life, and I was so reactive to people, my life was much more vibrant... it was fun! And now I am stuck in 9-5 and it doesn't suit me at all! I loved working late evenings and waking up after 10am...
I am slowly getting my body in the "managing" shape and I am trying to sort out my contact lenses in the same time. I should be seeing things clearly at some point next week and up and running for two weeks or so (until next time ) in few days as well - so there is plenty of things to look forward to. And to think about...
) in few days as well - so there is plenty of things to look forward to.
(17%)
WIDGETIZE