Too much pressure!!! Too much pressure!!!

...if I even should post anything.
I am totally incapable of doing anything recently.
My body is swollen (the blessing of taking additional hormones) and I am irate, tired and sad.

And there is no one "real-life" that could support me these days. Everyone is tired with aching Julka, who is grumpy sometimes, or they don't have any idea of what's going on (like people from work - where I wear my mask well...)

But still, it doesn't feel fair on my on-line friends to dump all these nasty feelings of mine on their heads...
I gained some more kilograms, I am 63 now, size 14. Not too bad, but much worse than I was three years ago, when I moved to England. My body is retaining water and I getting heavier though I haven't been eating more than 1400 calories per day.
This is pretty frustrating, when you don't even have control over things you should have. Not that I am some kind of control freak - but getting heavier when you're eating healthy is not right - right?

So I stopped controlling myself and I am eating more now. This week I was eating when I was hungry - and I get hungry often now - hormones are apparently doing their work...


I am feeling guilty moaning so much, when people around me (and around internet) are having real problems.
Like my new found acquaintance - Mr. Allan





I think I should go to sleep...
Goodnight

First of all, I have to tell you about a great company which provides organic food.
River Swale (the url works correctly only under Firefox - I am not too sure why...:| - sorry Opera!).

they have got a "box scheme" and they deliver to your door...
Thanks to them I can remember what REAL tomatoes should smell like and I eat kohl rabi for the first time since gods know when... If you are an organic freak (like me) and live in Yorkshire, I would reccomend trying them. I am pretty sure I will become a valued customer

And that's it - no more good things today...
At work we have one tornado after another, my eyes still didn't get used to the contact lenses, I have got a migraine and by body hurts... :|

I am going to lay down for now and tomorrow - I am planning to go to work earlier - to do some testing... But recently, after Yule, I am not in such a good spirit when it goes to work. And now when the pain is back again (but it is getting better, instead of the standard three weeks per month filled with pain, now it's usually two ) I came back home earlier today. Just couldn't sit at this silly chair by my silly desk...

... I haven't written anything that makes much sense for ages. I've been busy with work, helping Santa out with packing presenst and my health is getting worse.
I keep the "grip" during work hours, but when I am at home I just want to break down and never pull myself back together. Pain is overwhelming. In the centre of my body, so I am not able to do anything, while it hurts.

I have eaten all Kathy's paracetamol supplies and ibuprofen is no longer working on me.
I am waiting for that moment when it strikes me that I am in very bad shape and it is actually too much for me to handle. But somehow, it's not coming...
I wonder why...

But sometimes even half a step seems too much.
I am in my low today. I managed to smile through the pain at work, but now I am just simply tired.
I know I am moaning a lot about the pain on this blog and I wish I didn't, but I can't help it - writing helps the hell with it.

I began thinking that maybe I would even be more happy just having cancer and dying - but knowing what is wrong. Knowing what to expect from next 6-12 months. So tired...

I stopped painkillers at all, I stopped the ones for migraines as well. Is makes me more tired, but I can at least sleep at night.
I started imagining whether it would hurt less to kill myself when I am in much pain... but I guess it doesn't hurt that much yet... And I read about these thoughts - apparently every healthy human being is having disturbing thoughts, but they just won't admit to them, so I am not worried about my psyche... yet...


"Pardon me while I
Just turn my back
And walk away
Pardon me if I
Can't listen
To the things
You say
Pardon me if I
Can't fake it
While you still believe
Pardon me"*














*"Pardon me" (Staind)

I have been taking beta-blockers for three weeks. I was getting tired as hell and didn't know why it was - I had been sleeping for 10 hours every night and still was tired, couldn't concentrate, had "cotton wool" (as Kathy said) instead of my brain.

At first I didn't think it would have anything to do with my meds, but after i also started having nose bleeds almost every evening - I carefully read the leaflet... and stopped taking tablets.
I didn't manage to get into the doctors, so it was my own decision - I will be to blame if everything goes back to bad ways - which i am pretty sure it will - but I prefer migraines and ability to think - not turning into a vegetable...

I am still tired and slow with my body, but I am getting much better with concentration, and maybe will start understanding English as I did two weeks ago...

Now I am planning to chill out, because tomorrow is Monday and nothing will save me from going to work...