It's like we have to have everything now, or even better - have it yesterday! When I browse internet I have got at least three tabs open at a time, while waiting for one to load -0 I read the other, so I don't waste my time. I can fit more and more brain activities in my day, slowly abandoning any healthy options, like a walk around the town or sitting on a bench with vanilla ice cream...
I must start taking things one step at a time. Do one thing, finish it off, pause and then start the new one. Stop moving my legs nervously under the table while doing something, trying unconsciously run away from it... Stop being impatient and feeding my brain with crap!
Is it possible? Do I have to live in a cave to be able to do this?
I have been off ill for good few days, lying in the bed with fever, when it was hot and sunny outside. Well, I don't like sunshine anyway - I am only bothered that when I've got cold I usually don't have the energy to do anything else - so I feel totally useless.
Second update is that my hair is pink now (well, "berry" dark pink). It's also been cut short. I look berry nice
I will try and post some photos (although my hair colour never looks on pictures as it does live - any suggestions on how to take the photo to show all the colours properly??).
I am sitting here in my chair, in front of the computer and I don't feel like doing anything. I am tired, angry at god knows what and my legs hurt (I am like an old person with arthritic pain in my joints - crap!).
I have finished reading unread books and magazines and have got nothing to do...
I have started reading "The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coehlo some time ago and I am now 2/3 way through. I must say I am happy reading Coehlo's books - somehow I didn't want to read them when I was a teenager, seeing everyone around me doing so - it would have take me out of my "underground" shelf I sat at (silly, I know - but ten years ago I didn't want to touch anything that was too... mainstream )
I started with "Eleven Minutes", which I borrowed from my friend, and it struck me - I missed on so many books, that I would have probably loved. When Coehlo writes - it's always simple, but it is also very true. I would even risk saying that he has got a very feminine mind... he sees things so similar to me, it's unbelievable...
Anyways - I have been a lazy cow this weekend. Doing mostly nothing (except of washing the dishes!) but sitting in front of my pc, or reading books. Tomorrow I must go back to work - the idea is very unpleasant, as recently I keep getting shitty things to do and I was not allowed change of hours (which is another story...).
There will soon be a society of Martix souls, not able to connect with another person on any kind of level. we will all eat, sleep, and have social lives online. (I must admit that is very much me - as it's so much easier, you don't have to look nice, you don't have to be slim, fit and cool and dandy. You don't have to leave home, and noone cares who you are in the real life... Ok - most people don't, but it's not many of them left there...)
We lost ourselves and our ability to be somehow emphatic. We are not able to support our friends in pain, unless we can translate it to our own past.
This song by Perfect Circle is something I keep listening recently. I thought I may as well share it with all of you that some across my blog and my online friends.
I keep getting worse recently, I think I am a bit down due to the hormones and I am just fed up with everything and I can't be bothered to be honest. Yesterday I came back home from work and got to bed. I fell asleep straight away, woke up after two hours and felt like shit... I am feverish - I think I am catching an infection, and this is not helping at all. And as an addition to that - we are very busy at work with this big take over project and I think it will require my presence at work every day of the week until it's finished. And that is... 31 March...
I am tired, and I still have got chores to attend to and then my book that I was supposed to be reading along with Hermitess... But when will I do it? I need a time stretcher... Just as Mr Ian said today at work:
"these reports will be allright, if we make servers working 36 hours a day..." - I need a time stretcher to make a day 36 hours long. Anybody's got one spare, they can lend me?
...if I even should post anything. I am totally incapable of doing anything recently. My body is swollen (the blessing of taking additional hormones) and I am irate, tired and sad.
And there is no one "real-life" that could support me these days. Everyone is tired with aching Julka, who is grumpy sometimes, or they don't have any idea of what's going on (like people from work - where I wear my mask well...)
But still, it doesn't feel fair on my on-line friends to dump all these nasty feelings of mine on their heads... I gained some more kilograms, I am 63 now, size 14. Not too bad, but much worse than I was three years ago, when I moved to England. My body is retaining water and I getting heavier though I haven't been eating more than 1400 calories per day. This is pretty frustrating, when you don't even have control over things you should have. Not that I am some kind of control freak - but getting heavier when you're eating healthy is not right - right?
So I stopped controlling myself and I am eating more now. This week I was eating when I was hungry - and I get hungry often now - hormones are apparently doing their work...
I am feeling guilty moaning so much, when people around me (and around internet) are having real problems. Like my new found acquaintance - Mr. Allan
... from my friend's 18th (for 10 or eleven times already;P) bithday party. It was very "hard", we were drinking, dancing, singing etc. etc. I am feeling a bit "hungovered" today, but it was worth it! I haven't seen her for ages, as we have some weird situations in between ourselves... concerning members of our "families", and it was simply good to see her after so many months of no speech.
Work wise I am going down in the extremely high speed. I am getting annoyed with unclear situation and I am seriously thinking about quitting and finding something part time instead. I know I should appreciate working in the office in the foreign country (as some people say - but hell! - I know English very well, I worked for it, so I can work wherever I want!) but I am thinking about coming back to bar tending. It was very good part of my life, and I was so reactive to people, my life was much more vibrant... it was fun! And now I am stuck in 9-5 and it doesn't suit me at all! I loved working late evenings and waking up after 10am...
I am slowly getting my body in the "managing" shape and I am trying to sort out my contact lenses in the same time. I should be seeing things clearly at some point next week and up and running for two weeks or so (until next time ) in few days as well - so there is plenty of things to look forward to. And to think about...
I came home earlier today. From work. I didn't feel well, I got angry at a situation at work and having 2.5 hours in lieu I decided to go home.
So here I am - in front of my computer. Cut out of reality, cutt off my family and my roots, cut of the life. Still just fooling around. I know there is a decision to make, but i keep telling myself, that there are so many things that need to be done first. I need to get better - health wise - and find out if I got cancer first (which most of the people just laugh at, as they don't believe I am genuinly not well - I look far to good, to be THAT bad). I need to decide who I want to be "when I grow up" - which is NOW! I need to... I don't even remember what else...
I need to make people tread me seriously. But they won't to a "tiny pixie" - whih is fine, but not on all ocassions.. I am always z 13 year old child in everyone else's eyes, like I am too stupid, or fragile to stand like an adult. I can see it at home, I can see it at work, I can see it in my mother's eyes.
I am stuk in this shell of a funny person and there's no place for change...
)
) in few days as well - so there is plenty of things to look forward to.
(17%)
WIDGETIZE