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Too much pressure!!! Too much pressure!!!

Tweek, calm down! Drink some coffee...

Posts tagged with "Thoughts"

Dissapear, dissapear... Thinner, thinner... into the air....

Saturday, 7. February 2009, 14:30:43

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This song by Perfect Circle is something I keep listening recently.
I thought I may as well share it with all of you that some across my blog and my online friends.



I keep getting worse recently, I think I am a bit down due to the hormones and I am just fed up with everything and I can't be bothered to be honest.
Yesterday I came back home from work and got to bed. I fell asleep straight away, woke up after two hours and felt like shit...
I am feverish - I think I am catching an infection, and this is not helping at all. And as an addition to that - we are very busy at work with this big take over project and I think it will require my presence at work every day of the week until it's finished. And that is... 31 March...

I am tired, and I still have got chores to attend to and then my book that I was supposed to be reading along with Hermitess... But when will I do it? I need a time stretcher... Just as Mr Ian said today at work:

"these reports will be allright, if we make servers working 36 hours a day..." - I need a time stretcher to make a day 36 hours long. Anybody's got one spare, they can lend me?

6 comments

I don't know...

Thursday, 5. February 2009, 19:23:35

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...if I even should post anything.
I am totally incapable of doing anything recently.
My body is swollen (the blessing of taking additional hormones) and I am irate, tired and sad.

And there is no one "real-life" that could support me these days. Everyone is tired with aching Julka, who is grumpy sometimes, or they don't have any idea of what's going on (like people from work - where I wear my mask well...)

But still, it doesn't feel fair on my on-line friends to dump all these nasty feelings of mine on their heads...
I gained some more kilograms, I am 63 now, size 14. Not too bad, but much worse than I was three years ago, when I moved to England. My body is retaining water and I getting heavier though I haven't been eating more than 1400 calories per day.
This is pretty frustrating, when you don't even have control over things you should have. Not that I am some kind of control freak - but getting heavier when you're eating healthy is not right - right?

So I stopped controlling myself and I am eating more now. This week I was eating when I was hungry - and I get hungry often now - hormones are apparently doing their work... :frown:


I am feeling guilty moaning so much, when people around me (and around internet) are having real problems.
Like my new found acquaintance - Mr. Allan





I think I should go to sleep...
Goodnight :faint:

11 comments

Earlier...

Thursday, 22. January 2009, 14:52:22

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I came home earlier today. From work.
I didn't feel well, I got angry at a situation at work and having 2.5 hours in lieu I decided to go home.

So here I am - in front of my computer. Cut out of reality, cutt off my family and my roots, cut of the life. Still just fooling around. I know there is a decision to make, but i keep telling myself, that there are so many things that need to be done first.
I need to get better - health wise - and find out if I got cancer first (which most of the people just laugh at, as they don't believe I am genuinly not well - I look far to good, to be THAT bad).
I need to decide who I want to be "when I grow up" - which is NOW!
I need to... I don't even remember what else...

I need to make people tread me seriously. But they won't to a "tiny pixie" - whih is fine, but not on all ocassions.. I am always z 13 year old child in everyone else's eyes, like I am too stupid, or fragile to stand like an adult.
I can see it at home, I can see it at work, I can see it in my mother's eyes.

I am stuk in this shell of a funny person and there's no place for change...

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I must apologise...

Thursday, 4. December 2008, 20:17:43

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... I haven't written anything that makes much sense for ages. I've been busy with work, helping Santa out with packing presenst and my health is getting worse.
I keep the "grip" during work hours, but when I am at home I just want to break down and never pull myself back together. Pain is overwhelming. In the centre of my body, so I am not able to do anything, while it hurts.

I have eaten all Kathy's paracetamol supplies and ibuprofen is no longer working on me.
I am waiting for that moment when it strikes me that I am in very bad shape and it is actually too much for me to handle. But somehow, it's not coming...
I wonder why...

7 comments

On Passion.

Wednesday, 19. November 2008, 20:45:19

Contemplating the tone of my previous blog posts and my recent mind set - I couldn't help but wonder (hahaha:) this is so Sex and the City! :lol: ) whether this is the way I really want to go.

I mean, when I look at people who don't stress themselves, people who are calm and don't worry about thigs... I see... hmmm... emptiness of some sort.
What has happened to passion?
Is it going to die in me as soon as I stop worrying?
Am I going to become a mental "senior matron" (sorry! :whistle: )?

Or maybe passion is overrated and we don't really need it, maybe we should be like caracters from "Equilibrium" - decide not to feel too much, to keep ourselves safe from the passion, because with passion come anger, hate and hunger - as well as love and happyness.
I a very confused - and it's very hard for me as I don't believein god (in any form of it) - there is nothing that I could use as a base for my life. Except itself.

So I am wondering - which way is correct?
What should I choose?

Where is the happyness?
Do I want to have it or rather chase it?

?

5 comments

Where are we today??

Friday, 14. November 2008, 20:58:34

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I still have problems with doctors - couldn't get meds because people from hospital didn't send letter to my gp yet and I can't get the perscription! How bloody stupid - I like many things in England, but NHS is never going to be one of my favourites... Grrrrr! :irked:

Anyways - I am sooo happy it's weekend.
Tomorrow Kathy is taking ma and Charlotte to the "caterpillar" shop :smile: I feel like a kid before christmas! :headbang:

And also tomorrow my second cat, Moomin is having her stitch (only one as she managed to chew out the other one!) taken off and she will be allowed the "lamp" taken off her head... :smile:

5 comments

My problem...

Monday, 10. November 2008, 20:23:31

...

My problem is I am trying to admit in front of myself I do not crave some things. This is like being on a diet and lying to yourself that chocolate eclair doesn't look tasty.
I pretend I am not feminine at all. I am a feminist, and this is true and strong, but on the other hand I do have female hormones buzzing in my body.
I think I want some things... but I just don't admit it too loud - so I don't get hit by reality when I become less careful.

And - with my recend health condition - it's not possible anyway...

9 comments

Difference between faith and believing...

Wednesday, 5. November 2008, 19:07:32

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I am presuming there isn't much difference in the meaning of above words in English, and that's why I was "told" at work, that being a naturalist-pagan I am "believing" in Nature.
I am aware that I should stop getting crossed at certain kind of people who can talk more than me. People who are ALWAYS right :yikes: :jester:

I mean, c'mon - I should probably be greatful for letting me know I am stupid and I have faith in nature:)

In Polish faith is "wiara" and believe is "wierzyc" - all from the same word, but if you say you believe someone, they will not feel like new god, that you suddenly began to worship! Homer: Doh! English people have TWO words, one for each meaning and they still get it wrong. How can you have faith in Nature, when you can see it? You can see what it behaves like, you can see the cycles, Nature is predictable!

The big power in which most poeple believe (and they often like to call it God) - is certainly NOT PREDICTABLE AT ALL.
And that's why I don't go this way - I prefer to believe the power is in me and only I can decide on my fate...

But at the ond of another day full of physical pain (and being called by my boss a crying wolf) I started thinking - maybe at the end I do believe in something... I remembered that times when I could see ghosts. I believe they exist, but I don't believe in them the "faithful" way - I don't have to put my faith into it, as I SAW THEM WITH MY OWN EYES, there is nothing to believe here - I saw the proof.

That way there is only one thing that's left for me to believe in - and that's ME!

9 comments

Dreams...

Sunday, 5. October 2008, 10:57:25

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I don't dream a lot to be honest. Or at least I never remember my dreams in the morning.
This time it was different.
I had three dreams during one night.

Two reams were about death. It involved me, Jacek and my brother...
I woke up at the end of each in the middle of a dark room frightened to death.

Third dream was like in Alice in Wonderland. I could get into other realms through water, fields, putting on different clothes, looking through the mirrors... etc, etc... I think someone was chasing me and my fellow men (don't know who they were!) and wanted to kill us.

I am a bit confused today and don't know what to think about this...

In the first dream I died. And I felt the nothingness, it was dark and empty and I DID NOT FEEL anything! It took me some time to realize I was in a dream. Everything just vanished like there was a big black hole around me.

5 comments

To be or not to be...

Thursday, 2. October 2008, 17:11:07

...an adult.

Everywhere I go people try to change me
They either tell me it's high time to be subtle
or they just shout in my face it's time to shut up,
that it's time to grow up.

It is time to stop believing in ghosts,
it is time to stop playing around,
it is time to stop being extremely happy without the reason...

...yes - everything needs to have a purpose,
cause and effect, bollocks...
Not everything can be explained...


How should I explain that I am happy collecting the stones ocean decided to throw to the shore?
What is the purpose of me being happy holding still salty stone in my hand?
No purpose...

Szkiełko i oko...


People with purpose don't know how it is to fly.
Fine - I will fall down one day
and I do it pretty often
And sometimes I do get low,
lower that I would like to
only because of the lack of purpose.
No goal to reach...

Some say it's just a neurological failure,
probably I am bipolar or something... XD
Well - as long as this explanation makes them happy... :D

I know you like your boxes, labels, layers,
12 shades of grey and nothing but it.


You build very thick wall around yourself
you make sure no colours,
no misshaped creatures,
no unknown smells
no unexplained feelings
go through...






Today air smelled like winter,
like Christmas,
like love...



And I hear the voices sing out louder...

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