Kazuki's diary

Identification

Identification is the second way to prolong negative emotions. Identification occurs when you take something personally. Example are:

1. You're at a friend's house as breaking news comes across from the television. "A house is on fire", states the newscaster. At first, you just think the news break is mildly interesting and not that important. Then the newscaster states, "The fire is at 4553Elm Street". Suddenly, you jump up saying, "Oh my God, that is my house!" That is an example of identification.
2. Your company's CEO says, "Your division is not performing up to expectations. Your sales are down, expenses are up, and customers are unhappy." Immediately, you say to yourself, "How can I do my job if you do not support me?" This is an example of taking criticism personally rather than objectively.
3. Your manager says to you, "Your work is not up to our standards." Rather than ask what you can do to improve your work, you take the comment as criticism rather than correction and become defensive, argumentative, or begin making excuses, saying things such as:

"I've had problems at home."

"How dare you criticize me? Take a look at yourself."

"I ask for help, but no one listens."

Solution:

Don't take criticism as an attack on your identity. Detach from the problem by not taking it personally. Instead, deal with the problem objectively, looking at it as an opportunity to grow both personally and professionally.

Don't be your own lawyer. Ask for clarity and support rather than defending yourself. There is an old saying that goes, "The person who acts as their own lawyer has a fool for a client."

Rather than be your own lawyer, act like a lawyer. Lawyers ask questions. They do not speak in statements. For example rather than argue your defense, ask questions such as:

"Would you tell me more?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"What have I not been doing?"

"How can I improve?"

"What specifically needs to be accomplished?"

Lawyers are trained to ask questions. In TV shows you often hear the attorney say to the person on the stand, "I ask the questions." They do not let the defendant ask questions. They only allow the defendant to speak in statements. Lawyers are trained to ask questions because they know the person who asks the questions is in control of the situation.

In real life, you do not want to be the person doing the talking. In tough situations, the person doing the talking is often on the defensive - they have been offended in some way. In sales, the best sales people ask questions and let the customer do the talking. Poor sales people do the talking. If you want to win in life, ask more questions and let others do the talking.

If you are being criticized, you want the person criticizing you to do the talking. You do that by asking the questions that ultimately puts your criticizer on the defensive. Make them explain why they are criticizing you. When you feel yourself taking something personally, stop being defensive, ask questions, be objective, seek solutions, and do your best to take the good and discard the bad.

God gave you two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. That's because God designed us to learn by listening and observing instead of talking. Rather than use your mouth to speak in statements, use your mouth to ask questions, the shut up, what, and listen. You will become smarter, richer, and more in control if you adopt the habit of asking questions rather than talking.

Robert Kiyosaki

to be continued...