I'm Just Being..... Me!!!

Hmmm......
this is kinda tough to talk about,but...
you all must know.

I never even once,thought i would be blogging about this.
Everything was fine,until now!

anyway...

Last week,Yui and I officially broke up.
it was one of the worst things that could have happen in my life.
........
um,i'll tell you the reason for our split.

It all started last month,
we would argue,not sleep together,and we rarely saw one another.
mainly due to my hellish work hours.
she was very patient with me and she understood why we almost never spend a lot of time together but,
i guess she finally got tired of spending nights alone and me disappointing her.
I can't blame her.

so,
we finally had some time to ourselves,
so we decided to discuss our future plans with each other.
Little did i know,Yui plans had been totally different from mine.
She wanted me(after we get married and have children)to quit being a mangaka(comic artist)

i was shocked,but i also understood her reason as to why she wants me to quit.
She feared that,me becoming a published mangaka would mean,less time to spend with her.
that's true,but being a mangaka is my life's passion!
she can't possibly expect me to stop.
besides,the only reason i work so hard now,is so that,when if we did settle down,we would financially secured.

anyways...
i told her that i didn't want to hold her back,so we took a break from the other,to focus on ourselves(individually)
so while we were on break,i starting feeling really bad,cause i was holding Yui back from having fun and just enjoying herself.
So last Thursday,i invited Yui over for a very important talk.

I told her how i was feeling and despite her constant disagreeing with me,
just by looking at her face,there was a smile,but her eyes carried a burden of sadness.
i was to blame for that sadness and i vow to myself years ago that,no matter how i feel,no matter what,i shall not cause my lover any form pain nor sadness.otherwise i'm not worthy of that person.

Yui Akemi was everything to me and seeing the sadness in her beautiful eyes made me feel like crap!
I grabbed her hands and told her that,i could no longer be the reason for her suffering,i could no longer bear having her wait for me all the time.i didn't want her to waste her youth on me,cause you're only young once.i told her that,there is a man out there that will bring her happiness,joy,and give her all his time.i wasn't strong enough to be that man.i'm just a weak,pathetic,insufficient human,unable of granting such simple thing.I'm not worthy of her anymore.
so i broke up with her.

She cried,which broke my heart,but it was for the best.

Now...
here i stand,alone,depressed,and sick.
Love does exist and their are those that are worthy of such a thing,but not me.
I never wanted to be that leash on anybody that stops them from living.
I never wanted to be a burden anymore.
I never wanted to be weak like the past kyo.
i'm becoming everything i hate,which is leading me to believe that i am truly unworthy of life.

I can't even keep a promise to myself!!!CHIKUSHOU!!
Slipping into darkness wasn't something i was wanting to go back to,but now,i'm getting closer and closer.
I'm losing everything.

Thanks for reading.

Odaiji Ni Minasan.

Artist:Ellegarden /Song:Stereoman

This isn't really a post
just a little theory^^

For about 5 days now
there has been this kawaii orange and black butterfly flying outside of my home.^-^
everyday for 5 days...
whenever i'm outside
the butterfly is there resting in the tree.

Akira and Yui both have seen this butterfly outside of my home.
i told them that...
that butterfly could be a soul coming back to visit family.
they both laughed a little and said "it sounds strange,but it could be true."

Seeing that butterfly flutter gracefully in the cool Tokyo air
made me think about my fathers theories of the butterfly.

there are 2 types of butterflies.the first type are "Ijuu Choucho"(migration butterflies).
the Ijuu Choucho travels from different places in the world just viewing this beautiful sekai(world) from the skies above.Free spirits if you will.
the second type is called the "Houmonsha Choucho"(Visitor Butterflies)
this type of butterfly are not just insects,rather they are tamashii(souls)being granted the time to visit earth to see there loved ones.they can't return in there human bodies,but they become beautiful butterflies and they watch over members of their family by flying outside of their homes.^_-

My Otousan told me this when i was 5.^^
I remember that day,it was spring time and i was sitting in the park with my dad
watching the Sakura blow in the wind,when suddenly this butterfly
landed on my hand.
it was a beautiful white and green choucho.
that was my aunt's "Nami Michiko" favorite colors.^^(she passes away when i was 3)
that's when my Otousan told me that story.

I told Yui and Akira this story and i believe they somehow agree with this theroy.

One of my Father's favorite colors were orange...
so i name the butterfly outside of my home
"Hirashi"(my Otousan's name^^)
I believe that the butterfly outside of my home is my Father's spirit visiting to see how much i have grow and to give me a little peace at mind.(which it has)

Otousan ai desu^^

i just felt like doing a small post about....

My friend "Hirashi" the Butterfly

Thanks for reading.^-^(v)

ja ne

As most of you know,I asked my Gf for her hand in marriage.

Well this past Saturday,i woke up,looked in the mirror,and laughed...
cause i looked stupid!
Anyways,i showered,brushed my hair,got dressed and painted my nails black(yui hates that lol)
and then i ate breakfast with my bros(Kensei and Toshi)

later on in the day,
Megumi stop by to see if i was doing ok.(she's a very sweet girl.love you Megumi )
She help ease the nervous feeling i was having,so it was great that she came by.
She also,told me that everyone was rooting for me,so i felt happy.
Domo arigato minasan!!

So now it was about 4:30pm
Megumi and i left my home,then we said our goodbyes to each other before we parted ways.
the thing that came as a surprise to me was,when she said..
"Wow kyochan!your eyes are bright today and you look really handsome.i always loved that about you."
the she gave me a kiss on the cheek then smiled at me(i was shock and had a warm sensation come over my body)

so i picked up Yui.
She was wearing a beautiful red chinese dress,had her hair down,and she was so beautiful!
I told her,just stand there a moment so i can just stare at her.
We then had our kiss of the evening(sweet as usual)

We went out to eat,then we went for a stroll in Yoyogi park(Yui got lots complements and i got some)
now we sat at Yoyogi for awhile and shared our kiss under the beautiful darkening skies.
Our next destination was my house.

Moment of truth.

we arrived at my home.we take off our shoes and have a sat in the family room.
I bought out 2 champagne glasses and a bottle of champagne
i proceeded in pouring the golden liquid into the shining clear glasses.
We toast to a wonderful night we had and to our undying love for one another.
After we drank our drinks,we shared another passionate kiss and told each other "i love you"
I held Yui in my arms for awhile then,i said "there's something i've been meaning to ask you...)
She sat up and we stared at each other and all the while,my heart was racing,cause i was about to finally pop the question.

Now,we proceeded into conversation....

Yui:what is it Kyochan you want to ask me?

Kyo:Yui,this is something that might change our relationship forever.

Yui:Kyo....what are you saying?

Kyo:you know i love you with all my heart and soul.i live for you and i'll die for you.whenever you are laying beside me,whenever i am with you.......my troubles,stress,pains,and sorrow of this world disappear with the wind.when i see you sleeping,it's like watching an angel rest,when you kiss me,i swear i'm in heaven.i look up at the starry night skies and i see your beautiful reflection in the big blue moon.
You are my World,my life,my girlfriend,my soulmate,my best friend,and hopefully my soon to be wife.
I love you Mimichan.

Yui:Are....you saying,what i think you are saying?

Kyo:Yes,yes i am.Akemi Yui....will you marry me!?

Yui:Oh...Kyo..forgive me,but i can't.

Kyo:What!?what are you saying?

Yui:Kyochan.i love you too,but i am also...so very concerned about your health.you have been in and out of the hospital these pass 3 months and you are working yourself to death!i don't want to lose you,not now or ever!us getting married will only add to your stress.you do a lot of worrying to the point where you get sick and is unable to move around,besides i don't want you to worry too much about me.you must lead a healthy and worry-free life Kyochan.please!don't take this as a no,but as a,yes,but not until you are well.
I love you Shinobu Kyosuke.

Kyo:Mimichan...i'm sorry you have to see me cry like a baby.hehe,i can't believe you are worried about my health.now i have a reason to get better.i'll get better for us.Thank you Yui.

i knew she wanted to say yes,cause as soon as i poped the question,she bursted into tears.
She is so loving and caring.
Well,we'll marry one day,when i'm better.

thanks for reading
Ja

Artist:All American Rejects/Song:The Wind Blows