I'm Just Being..... Me!!!

Hmmm......
this is kinda tough to talk about,but...
you all must know.

I never even once,thought i would be blogging about this.
Everything was fine,until now!

anyway...

Last week,Yui and I officially broke up.
it was one of the worst things that could have happen in my life.
........
um,i'll tell you the reason for our split.

It all started last month,
we would argue,not sleep together,and we rarely saw one another.
mainly due to my hellish work hours.
she was very patient with me and she understood why we almost never spend a lot of time together but,
i guess she finally got tired of spending nights alone and me disappointing her.
I can't blame her.

so,
we finally had some time to ourselves,
so we decided to discuss our future plans with each other.
Little did i know,Yui plans had been totally different from mine.
She wanted me(after we get married and have children)to quit being a mangaka(comic artist)

i was shocked,but i also understood her reason as to why she wants me to quit.
She feared that,me becoming a published mangaka would mean,less time to spend with her.
that's true,but being a mangaka is my life's passion!
she can't possibly expect me to stop.
besides,the only reason i work so hard now,is so that,when if we did settle down,we would financially secured.

anyways...
i told her that i didn't want to hold her back,so we took a break from the other,to focus on ourselves(individually)
so while we were on break,i starting feeling really bad,cause i was holding Yui back from having fun and just enjoying herself.
So last Thursday,i invited Yui over for a very important talk.

I told her how i was feeling and despite her constant disagreeing with me,
just by looking at her face,there was a smile,but her eyes carried a burden of sadness.
i was to blame for that sadness and i vow to myself years ago that,no matter how i feel,no matter what,i shall not cause my lover any form pain nor sadness.otherwise i'm not worthy of that person.

Yui Akemi was everything to me and seeing the sadness in her beautiful eyes made me feel like crap!
I grabbed her hands and told her that,i could no longer be the reason for her suffering,i could no longer bear having her wait for me all the time.i didn't want her to waste her youth on me,cause you're only young once.i told her that,there is a man out there that will bring her happiness,joy,and give her all his time.i wasn't strong enough to be that man.i'm just a weak,pathetic,insufficient human,unable of granting such simple thing.I'm not worthy of her anymore.
so i broke up with her.

She cried,which broke my heart,but it was for the best.

Now...
here i stand,alone,depressed,and sick.
Love does exist and their are those that are worthy of such a thing,but not me.
I never wanted to be that leash on anybody that stops them from living.
I never wanted to be a burden anymore.
I never wanted to be weak like the past kyo.
i'm becoming everything i hate,which is leading me to believe that i am truly unworthy of life.

I can't even keep a promise to myself!!!CHIKUSHOU!!
Slipping into darkness wasn't something i was wanting to go back to,but now,i'm getting closer and closer.
I'm losing everything.

Thanks for reading.

Odaiji Ni Minasan.