Joseph D'Tien

I have slept on it for so long a time, and when all has been said and done, I come to realize that I have poured too much into a sheer disillusion.

We have gone through all the ups and downs for that last 2 years, which should have drawn us closer to each other, but in fact has set up a tall impenetrable partition between the two. I wonder if those unforgetable-to-me bygones hold the least hint of significance to her. In my heart of hearts, the red-letter days will not recede with the flow of water under the bridge. Every whispering, and touch, and embrace is all but vivid in my mind. For nights on end, darkness bedeviled me and silence caught me shedding stifled tears over this woeful ending. The broken-hearted guy in the mirror occasionally stared straight at me and bubbled why pain kept falling upon me that way. I am all alone, with the computer and heavy-going books as sole companions, on this harsh lengthy path to recovery.

Let's have a look at what I have done within the last 2 months. The moment I received her phone call asking me out for a drink served as the beginning of it all. From that very day, anguish from the past flung themselves back at me, twisting my mind and heart. I did drag my feet before actually accepting that offer. And another ill-fated journey had dawned.

We met on an increasingly regular basis, thanks to which sleeping dogs were let to lie. My grudge against her soon evaporated and my heart started to ache when she was not beside. I had engaged myself in an uphill struggle toward the top of a lofty cliff where the heavy stone with her name on it will be pushed down to the very ferocious ocean beneath. And the stone should lay there for good. But before I could reach the pinnacle, she had interfered. And the stone rolled hastily back down the steep slope of the cliff.

But what actually had we done together? We went out more often, to certain places of interest, but mainly to a bar near my house. Our conversing grew sweeter day by day. And my house was the 2nd oftenest visited place. We could spend the whole afternoon, when she did not have any class, talking nineteen to the dozen about every little thing that sprung to mind. We reflected on the past a bit, mainly to seek mutual empathy, and fantasized about our future a huge lot, mostly to remind ourselves of pledges and decisions. It was also at my small house that we went through moments of intimacy and ecstasy, all of which came to me as unquestionable signs of guarantee. It was a great time.

But then things began to show off their faults. One day she told me that she had just met with a person and that she did not want to keep me in the dark about anything and that she wanted to see me as soon as possible. Numerous theories formed in my mind in a flash. Who did she meet? What had happened? I could find no reliable notion to count upon, and had to succumb to time - the greatest teller. And there was a brilliant twist at the end.

My heart had pounded mercilessly and my cerebral cortex kept me away from sleepiness all that night. Early in the next morning, when dawn had not cracked on the faces of those noisy snorers, I departed straight forward to my hometown, as I was somewhere faraway at that time. Soon I reached my destionation and tried to settle down to wait for her. And she came, and claimed that it was just a joke, and that she loved me very much. Bitterness and rage ran down my veins for the first couple of hours, but my boiling blood gradually cooled down. She said she would be mine forever, and that was all I need.

But this sense of security did not last. The week after this incident she exhibited discernible signs of abnormality. I less regularly found her on Yahoo! Messenger, and when we had quite a short conversation, she would stop without saying a single word. Also, the way she talked demonstrated no interest at all. And as time wore on to the end of the week, the end of the line for our relationship was in sight.

On Saturday, we embarked on a trip to the beach. I expected this to be a highly romantic holiday, but in reality, it leaft a huge lot to be desired. We set out fairly early, and it took nearly 2 hours to get there. During the 2 hours, she did not rest against me, which was quite disturbing, for she would normally do so when we were together. When we were standing on the beach, her hands felt cold and unresponsive when touched by mine. I did think she would hold them tight and hug me affectionately for this could be a trip of half a lifetime. But the contrast was the case. On the way home, she did not say much, which drove me round the bend. In the heat of the moment, I queried about her strange behavior. And we did not exchange a word till we were at own houses.

2 days later, I left my hometown for my flat in HCM city. It was a cold and cloudy day, which seemingly intensified the predicament I was in. The journey was somehow much more time-consuming than usual. Anyway, I made it there safely, and that afternoon I had to attend my first class of psychology. The sinking heart prevented the appealing lecture to cut no ice at all. My mind wandered around in a maze of thoughts and guesses. I came home, only to find my heart torn apart.

"Please forget me...", read an offline message.

I could hardly refrain from weeping. Tears stung my eyes to red. And this event had been foreseen at the back of my mind.

It all ended so quickly that I found it really very very hard to come to terms with the truth. It has been 1 month since. I am well on the way to up-and-about. And with the help of my best friend, I hope things can truly only get better.

She left me again, and third time is the last. She will never have me again, thus will never hurt me again. I gave her so much love and care and trust and everything I could that I now feel ripped off by a malicious thief. But anyway, what came had come. My advice and warning had been sent to her. If she sticks to her ground and refuses to turn over a new leaf, she will reap the consequences. I should not care about her anymore, nor should I think about her.

If we do not cherish the cherishable, it will flee from us, never to be found again.