My OperaApril 26, 2009 - mùng 2 tháng 4 Âm lịch
Monday, April 27, 2009 9:13:00 PM
My father called me again when I was having lunch. He said something, I didn't know, about "stay there" and "study". I couldn't hear.
Didn't feel like doing anything, I went home. Cried hugging my girlfriend while she was doing her work. She has a lot of work. Me too. But I didn't do any of it. I just let myself go for a couple of hours.
I was looking for some black badge or kind of funeral sign. I asked Kristiina and she was the first to hug me. I asked Elio and he said "it's life". I asked some other during lunch and they said "I'm sorry". I told my friends using facebook status and 360!blast, some people came and said things. When I had just heard the news, I called my girlfriend but now I can't even remember what she said.
I thought of going home instead of mom and dad's words. Why can't I go home, because it's too far or is it because it's costly? My brother is already there. It's easy for him to travel from Singapore. Not from here, Finland - it takes about 20-24 hours to get home. Even if I'm free from all of these school work and I have enough money, I still have to stay. 'cause I can't do anything back there either. I would just become another useless crying person standing in the way of busy crying people. Maybe I would stand there quietly, silently, stupidly bow my head to people who come to see my grandma the last time. Everybody does their duties and I have to do mine. They say I have to stay to study. 1 month seems so long. Still I have to stay.
My grandma is one of the women I cry for thinking about. I'm her favourite child, I believe. I'm so close to her. She's so close to me. From when I started my school until I departed for Finland. No, until now, I know, I'm still her favourite child. She was waiting for me coming back seeing her again. She said she was satisfied seeing me coming home last Christmas and she can go on her way. Maybe she didn't even said it out to words but her eyes, her hands, her body showed that to me, that she loved me so much. And I love her that much too. I cried when I knew she was hospitalized. I cried when I thought she might not made it the other time. I cried when I came home and saw her in bed, changed. I cried everytime I came visit her. Now I regret why I didn't come to see her EVERY SINGLE DAY when I could. Now I can't do it anymore. It's so heart-broken thinking about it.
She's a great woman. She's a great grandmother. She's my grandmother. Now I have to say "She was..." What can I do to make it "She is..."?
I'm just an ordinary person. So she was.
There will be the school entrance exam tomorrow but I think I won't be able to work. Because I won't be able to smile. This afternoon I felt lighter when I was with my girlfriend but I'm on my own now. I will have to do my schoolwork as well. I don't know how I can do them. I don't know how I can continue my classes. But I still have to. It's life. It's bitter.
I have the black thing here with me now. I will write "ba ngoai" and wear it for as long as I can. Probably until when somebody I listen to tells me to take it off.
I wet and dry my eyes so many times today. I don't count how many. I don't need to know. I will just cry it out and maybe I could fall to sleep afterwards dreaming about my grandmother. And I won't want to wake up. Don't wake me up from that dream. Just wake me up from this nightmare. This is not supposed to happen, is it? I would love to hear it's all just a lie... a terrible lie...
I love you, grandma. I love you so much.
