I'd Rather Be A Rich Biach, Than A Poor One

As much as we tried, nothing worked. The shelter closed. So many women will never have the same opportunity that was given to me. Such a shame!!! In my opinion, if "we" (meaning all of Marian's residents) had been used as free labor just like the men at The Father Boedecker Center (spelling?), there never would've been an issue!!! I mean come on, how can you complain about being broke, to the point that they cancelled Senior Services, yet they "just" happen to find enough money to "build an addition" to enlarge the men's recovery shelter...Like I said, they need free labor. Old, Crazy or infirm homeless women be damned!!! I checked out the St. Anthony's new web-site. They're still listing some stuff that is still pretty much gone. I guess it's kinda not too charity inducing if they only have 3 things to beg money for. Like really, who would donate if they just came right out and said...we need new exercise machines for ourselves?! Before I forget, I've gotta hand it to Ms. Aviani, nothing like a little kick in the old skinny butt to get the creative juices going. Seems like Ms. public relations finally joined the 21st century. The new web-site looks smashing!!! Tons of informative stuff. I even saw links to Facebook and Myspace...then again, maybe she just copied those off my page. Now that I think about it, there are so many out there...yet she had no other links. Maybe she's just taking a break, or was she just trying to counteract my blog?! Hello...public relations equals incoming donations. Don't stop at two. Keep going!!! Anyway, I just found this. Miss Helen was (is) so cool. She really tried to help us!!! The poor thing looks like she's struggling so hard not to cry. The lady calling herself Nora is actually Nomi. She's very good on camera. You can't see her face, but she comes across very well. When she spoke at City Hall, she was wonderful!!! build an addition

I got this through my e-mail earlier this month:


You can help prevent the closing of the Marian Residence.

An emegency hearing has been called for this Thursday at the San Francisco Board of Supervisors to consider funding the Marian Residence for Women and save it from closing on August 31. Testimony, either written or spoken, is crucial so that the Board can be made aware of MRW's importance and of the excellent, life-saving work being done there. The City is being asked to keep the Shelter funded with $500,000 already set aside for MRW until other sources of funding can be secured. Please come, and let everyone you know who is concerned over this planned closing know about the hearing.

The Hearing will be at 1:00 PM Thursday, August 7th, in Room 263 of City Hall


Of course, I went. Man oh man, talk about lies...Father Hardin was seated at the end of the front row. Francis Aviani a couple of chairs over, but right behind him...talk about being his "right hand man"!!! Only a couple of chairs separated me from my favorite people (tooy, tooy!!!). Anyhow, he testified about how wonderful Marian's is, how they didn't want to close it because of the good it does for women in need...crocodile tears were seen.... (spare me!!!) but they just can't afford to keep it open. Then Aviani testified (insert more bull crap here...) Then a bunch of people went up to advocate for keeping the shelter open. Representatives from a bunch of different organizations responsible for helping the needy testified about the impact the closing would have on their organizations. I went up and testified (My mind went blank...and I choked). Crash and burn as they say. I said nothing of what I had planned. I just couldn't stop imaging Father Hardin's flinty cold hard eyes boring a whole in my back!!! Suddenly, I turned, and saw my own fat face on the monitor...and I choked even more!!!! Then, Buzzzzz...the 2 minute buzzer went off. I sat down in sheer misery .

Father Hardin stood up to add some more bull, and when he went to sit down, he was turned towards me when he said he commented about how despite all the media attention all this had gotten, only about twenty people offered money, and of those, they had yet to see a dime...

I thought, omg...Is Father Hardin arguing and/or mocking me?! He had to be!!! Because it was definitely not addressed to the Board of Supervisors. It was said too low and he wasn't facing them!!! Then he sat. And here's the clincher...He and Aviani, gave each other a smile...like two freaking vultures about to devour a damn carcass. Yes, it was definitely one of those..."It's in the bag"!!!

There was one lady there, and I wish I could remember what organization she said she was from, but she said that her office had been tracking 56 of us ladies, and that we would all be placed. When I heard that, I immediately thought, oh, oh, I wonder if she's a Hardin plant...because not only are there not even close to twenty of us left, but the case managers had said nothing...and they're still running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to place what's left of the ladies. Especially the special needs ladies!!! There were two Marian employees at the meeting. I turned and whispered to one of them if what that lady had said was true?! She had a shocked look on her face. She said it was the first she'd ever heard of it. Yeah, definitely a plant!!!

After a lot more was said, the City guy that wants to rent this place as a respite center talked some more of their plans. Then more representatives spoke...at one point one of the City Supervisors mentioned that they do have 500,000 set aside that could be used to rent this place as a women's shelter. Father Hardin stood up as if on springs, to make sure to remind them that it costs 1 million to run this place. Actually, 1.7 million he made sure to clarify to the Supervisors...what we have here, is Father Hardin playing the slum lord. No mercy. He does not want 500,000 as rent. He want's 1.7 million, by golly!!!

I wrote some stuff down, and finally got it into the young board of Supervisors hands (I pantomimed begging motions, so he took pity and took my note). Then got online and checked it out. Yes!!!!

Yes, Marian's will close. But man, Father Hardin, what are you doing to your freaking lying/cheating soul?!?!

Right after the meeting, I ran to the bathroom because I planned to go straight to work afterwards. Just as I came out, Father Hardin and the Medical Respite guy were walking by. I fell into step right behind them. Father Hardin and the Medical Respite guy were talking and the guy sounded like he was waffling. Suddenly, Father Hardin stepped right in front of him (he stared right at me, and didn't care I was there). His color was high, his flinty eyes were widely buggy...he said, "but you don't understand, some of those ladies have been there eight months or more!!! He sounded soooooo angry!!!

I was so disgusted...I eavesdropped some more while I lit a ciggie, then I walked away and went to work!!!

"Believe It's Possible. Giving Up Is Not An Option!!!" Those were the words in today's S.F. Chronicle!!! The story was about the little boy that was shot while sitting at a piano lesson. It certainly puts things into perspective. I'm over my own problems. There are bigger issues at stake here. Mine pale by comparison!!!

Marian Residence For Women, is closing. No if and or but's about that. This week we were given the date of August 18. Am I angry? Yes. Absolutely!!!

There are those that have called me anything from a parasite free loader, to a... what was it "Mondotrash" called me in my blog? An angry mean spirited young woman, with a sense of entitlement. Entitlement...Me?!?! What exactly DOES life OWE me? A free parking space for my shopping cart?! Yes, of course. That's the implication isn't it? Well, guess again. I am neither young, nor do I have a sense of entitlement! Yes, I've been given so much during my stay here. I was and am grateful to them (St. Anthony). That doesn't mean I have to remain silent at the injustices that have been carried out here lately.

By the way, I wonder if "Mondotrash" (love the subtle hint about what Mondo thinks of my Blog...hahahahaha!!!!) isn't Fr. Hardin or Ms. Aviani? As long as I was just cutting and pasting articles, and questioning "why? why?" There was no peep. As things got worse here, and I got more information and personal in my "why, why" and how can you live with your conscience? Kinda thing, that's when "Mondo" spoke up. Hmmmmm...I don't know. I really don't care. Anything and everything I've said and/or questioned so far, is all true!!!

After the eye opening article in the S.F. Bay Guardian by Amanda Witherell, came out, and Fr. Hardin's ruthless crass words were printed, that cemented not only my anger, BUT above all...my OUTRAGE!!! The S.F. Chronicle article, by Marisa Lagos, had our original beliefs. St. Anthony was going broke. We wanted to help bring attention to their situation and save them and the shelter. Even if we couldn't save the shelter, with pain and gratitude in our hearts, we knew the money would go to St. Anthony's other wonderful programs. It was a win, win gamble. We just knew if people heard our pleas, they would step in to help!!! Everyone know's of all the good St. Anthony does in this City!!!

It worked. The calls came in, money was offered...help was offered. I personally received some of the letters offering help. All were routed to St. Anthony's. In the SF Guardin article Fr. Hardin laughed it off..."Why cry wolf, we're not in a financial crisis!".

If you are not in a financial crisis, that means you are ahead of the game. Take the help. Take the money. Try everything to HELP THE PEOPLE!!! Don't cut them off unnecessarily!!!

The Senior Citizen lady with ALS, that wrote into the Guardian, to let people know about St. Anthony cutting the Senior Services Program...broke by heart. Actually, I've had it broken soooo often lately, even crazy glue can't help. It's shattered!!!!

How could I be anything but disappointed and bitter?! As someone who started out with such amazing feelings of gratitude, I tried, believe it or not, to do a purely selfless act..."Thank you soooooo much, we just want to give back!!!" The ugly truth raised it's head and changed everything.

The truth of the matter is, San Francisco stepped up to the plate, and embraced St. Anthony!!! St. Anthony didn't want it. They've made their decision. They've chosen their path. They've made their decision in a very cold hearted ruthless Corporate "Newsomie" Kind of Way!!!

They built their new building. They are buttoning down the hatches preparing for the economic downturn to come...Which apparently won't affect the construction of their other new building. Because, and I quote "St. Anthony staffers say the types of donors who will contribute to a new building are very different from those who will fund ongoing programs".

Aha...So tell me Fr. Hardin, which group do you fundraise the hardest for? No, please don't answer that. I already know. I've been to the new building. I know about the exercise room. A room complete with brand spanking new excercise equipment, and showers. Ah yes, the showers. Let's not forget the showers. Resources throughout the City are being cut. Drop-in centers with showers, more and more difficult to find. Enjoy your shower...

And of course, my personal favorite, the side by side elevators. One labeled as "Staff Only", the other "Clients Only". Two elevators, Separate but Equal. I'm sorry, I shouldn't mock them. Afterall, why have only one elevator with a key to the top floors, if you can have two elevators, thereby avoiding having to rub elbows with the indigent poor, right? I wonder, the elevators have a mechanised female voice announcing whatever floor you already know you're on...Did they install that because being poor makes one less smart? Nah, couldn't be. They just don't want us to get lost and/or confused between floors 1 to 3. Yes, that's probably it. Makes sense to me...What a slap in the face!!!

Knowing this, imagine walking around talking to the women here, with a smile pasted on my face and repeating words of encouragement...Trying to be the eternal optimist!!! Lying through my teeth!!!

St. Anthony will help us!!! Dont' worry, when one door closes, another one opens. We'll be fine. What? Oh yes, you bet your bippy!!! St. Anthony had no other option. They're broke. What? Sorry, no. No one answered our article in the paper. Of course I'd tell you otherwise. It'll be okay. We'll be okay!!! Yes, I know you have terrible credit (by the time you end up at a shelter...the old credit is pretty shot!!!). Don't worry, we're all in the same boat. We'll be fine. St. Anthony will help us!!! Keep the faith. Don't give up!!! You'll get a place soon! St. Anthony, Patron St. of the Lost, will help...Keep the faith. Be strong. Don't give up!!!!

Mentally, I repeat a prayer for all those affected by these cuts. Not just MRW. Five programs. Plus, all the Staff that dedicated their lives to these programs!!!

Yes, I know the truth. I wish I didn't. God I wish I didn't!!! Ignorance is bliss. Too late for me. Well, not only me. My friend Sandy knows the truth. I have it sooo easy compared to Sandy. Compared to the others that I'll get to shortly.

Sandy is my co-pilot in this journey of ours. In the Chronicle article, Sandy was a success story. Everything was coming together for her. Bless her heart!!!!

Update! The apartment deal fell through. She's running around like everyone else trying to find housing. The waiting lists for affordable housing are long. The only obvious alternative. An SRO.

To make matters worse, she's been diagnosed with a digenerative eye disease. She's slowly going blind!!! We sit outside and discuss the senselessness of it all. She cries, I blog. We both cope. Hard to believe this all only started in May.

The only time I've heard Sandy say anything remotely negative, was when one day, as we were talking about the fact that most SRO's have the bathroom down the hall, she looked right at me, and said... "God I hope I don't get violated". How to answer that? You don't. Just spew out words of encouragement and fake bravado! I know the truth, she knows the truth. Then, we put on our happy, brave faces and continue giving words of encouragement the others.

Two of our friends here, have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. One last month, the other just last night!!! I knew about the one from the beginning. The other, we thought were severe paralyzing fibroids. We found out otherwise, last night!!!!

Both ladies are wonderful people. Soft spoken and elegant. Be brave. Giving up is not an option. "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again"!!!

Yes, I know. It's a song. I've quoted every freaking song I could think off!!! I've mocked myself and my situation, to make them laugh. keep up the the morale. Realistically...Self Pity Kills!!!

These three ladies are all fighting for their lives!!! SURVIVAL...That, is the FIRST PRIORITY!!!! To have to try to fight for shelter, when shelter could've been had, until proper housing came through...Does this make sense?!

They, (the Board of Directors, or maybe just Fr. Hardin, I don't know) in essence, have turned their backs on not just us, but all five of their cut programs? Does that sound humane?!!

Anytime you put yourself front and center, be prepared to be judged. Well, here I am. Think of me what you will!!! I don't care. But...I tell you no lies!!! This has got to be known!!! St. Anthony has turned it's back on these ladies. They've said otherwise in the media...

BUT they're lying!!! Only The City, every now and again gives the Case Managers a few meager handouts to try to help some of these ladies. There are more ladies than resources. Mine, is a view from the inside. I see these wonderful hard working Staff, laughing and encouraging the ladies here...all the while, their eyes look as haunted as my sick friend's are.

As for the three ladies, two fighting for their lives against Cancer, one going blind, what happens to them? The resources offered by the City, are not adequate for their special circumstances...

San Francisco, Do you understand my outrage now? My bitter disappointment. I've reread my blog. It starts in May so very differently. When there are no alternatives, that's one thing. But, there WERE options!!!

Yes, I'm the one the Chronicle wrote the story about. They put a face to the story. But it's NEVER BEEN ABOUT ME!!! Somewhere along the line, that was forgotten. It's been about ALL the People, in ALL of St. Anthony's wonderful programs. Clients and Staff ALIKE!!! There's No Reason for ALL the pain I've been seeing!!!!

We thank ALL of you who tried to help us. God bless you!!!!


Respectfully Yours,

Leticia Hernandez

Today, the center's Guru came and offered her services to me. She's a very nice person. I thanked her. I don't need her. I'm fine. It's allllll gooood! My issues were behind me. I'd faced my demons. Nothing truly ever goes away. It happened. Don't sweep it under the rug. Accept the fact. Embrace the pain. The anger. Know it. Use it. Redirect it. Neutralize it. Each step is painful. Each takes time. The danger is getting hung up on one of them. Avoid that. Once done, It's allll gooood!

Having just said that, if you take a "non-crazy" well trained ex-war vet, and plop him again in a combat situation, won't all his old training and skills immediately kick right back in? Then, take the light away...

I made an ugly accusation. A real accusation. An accusation that could not be verified without the blue dress. I wasn't believed. The result of this, I get stuck between a rock and a [hard place]...(hahaha!!!). For every action, there's an equal reaction. Yeah, I made my choice...I'm dealing with it. Grit the old teeth, smile..."Did you get your rest? Oh yes, thank you!!! It's allll gooood!!!!

Now, they all but send the patty wagon for me. People, people. Please don't add insult to injury. For what time is left, leave me alone. I'm Not the problem. You made your decision. I've made mine!!!

I should've never reported it. But it was wigging (wig...hahaha) me out. Too late now. At the same time, I'm glad that I did. Perv!!! I don't know if Buffalo Bill is a deviant, or is this being done to scare me out of the room. Both are just horrible!!!!!!!!

In the meeting, Staff kept referring time and time again, to what was happening as being a very sticky (sticky...hahahaha!!!) situation. I was livid/outraged/dying at what was being said/disregarded in that meeting, or I would've howled with laughter. Then again, it's probably better that I didn't, because I would've definitely lost it. Just like when I was in the middle of packing...Good old Billy Idol started singing about Dancing With Himself!!! I started howling with laughter and couldn't stop!!! It was ugly!!! I flew outta there, just in case the radio "Started Going Japanesa"!!! Funniest most pathetic soundtrack for my life ever!!!! Yeah, there's humor in everything in life!!! Too bad sometimes it's not until after the fact.