Walking Through Fire

well i went or at least i tried to go. as a rule i dont ever go anywhere that i cant leave and be at my home in more than half an hour. last night i was invited to a bon fire. i was actually very aprehensive about going for certain reasons, mostly that my guts told me not to go. anyway, i attempted to go, but in my attempt i forced myself to not think. something that i do from time to time now to get myself to do things, well, without thought. this time it bit me in the the fucking ass. i didnt find out exaclty how long the trip would be, i just took the directions and went on my fucking merry way. for some reason i figured it would be about a ten minute trip, which is fine. the directions gave off the feeling that it would be short because they didnt include any time frame, just straight directions. maybe they thought people would know the towns listed on them, if thats the case i wouldnt know because i am not most people. so half an hour into the drive i turned around, only to call and be coaxed into turing back. another half hour later i was still not there, still driving around thinking i had to have missed a turn, that there was no way it was any further than i had already gone. finally i was driving down a long dark, very dark road with no other cars or anything in site. i had it and turned around. my friend called, tried to get me to go back, but i had enough of the trip. it was already nine thirty, i was already starting to get tired and i knew if i went i would be there a few hours. i was assuming unlike the people who wanted to come, i would have to go home to get some sleep. so that was that. it made me depressed though, as much as i like being different due to the skills it has given me as a point just from experience, it also makes me sad. i dont like being so different when it stops me from being able to enjoy the things that i used to enjoy. i started to party when i was only in the tenth grade. and im talking the whole nine, drinking, breaking the law, women. back then i took all of that for granted, but now, now i cant drink at all anymore due to the copious amounts of drugs flowing through my system at any given time, i cannot stay up late since the meds make me very tired as a norm and, well, what sober person likes to hang out a party that they cannot participate in the craziness of just letting go of life even for just a little while. i dont know any, and i miss the numbness and dumbness partying used to hold for me. now i just get reminded that im different, mostly alone these days and losing hope at certain times that some things in life may just not be meant for me. and that is what makes me sad.