Walking Through Fire

today, was today, whoa is that fucking a together statement. today sucked, it was cold, raining all day and dark. my mood fit the surroundings, i couldnt work at all, by the late afternoon i was thinking how it would just be nice if i got pushed a little more to the extreme and wanted to fucking kill myself. how would i do it, then i got scared, thinking that would make me want to go to the hospial, which this time around isnt a good option. it was alot of shit, mostly another weekend of nothing, literally nothing. no calls, no places to go, mostly me alone, for days. not good. this is probably the worst in many weekends, but i keep doing the same shit to myself to set myself up. stay up late, get up early and by the time its time to want to do something with the day i feel like doing nothing by sleeping. so thats what i do. i think about rachael alot, sometimes carrie. i almost emailed carrie today. christ i even had a weird dream about my step mother, which happens when i get really upset. work was bad because of the money shit, i cant get out of bed in the morning no matter how hard i try, its just easier to lay there instead of doing anything like making food for the day. who the fuck wants to do that anyway. all of the things that i was told to do at the rock i dont do. i was even out this weekend five minutes away from a party, turned the car around and went home. that a boy. although i did get a good laugh at the end of today, but that was taken away by the fact that we fucking have to do something each day that i fucking hate with a passion. i cant stand it, its not helping me with the fact that my job is boring the shit out of me lately. its the same thing each day, no real changes, but what am i going to do. leave it, go somewhere else. where. it is making me want to write more, but it still doesnt change the fact that i cant stand my job. even talking about it right now depresses me. i mean being bored i guess is part of life, but why. i dont think i would be bored with another job, but ive done that before and it didnt work. and writing has been hard on me lately, im not even sure about my own skills anymore. i mean when a bad day at work makes you want to die its kinda hard to see things in a rational way at all. and im on meds, christ if i wasnt i would be in trouble. but it was bad today, worse than it has been in a long time. but its like the same shit that keeps bugging me, and it bugs me because its not something that i can fix quickly or even know how to fix. most people when they dont like there job or get bored look for something else. but those people are not in the position that im in. my dr and best friend both think it would be literally suicide, not that bad, but bad, if i was to do something else. that i need to concentrate on writing. but the days are the fucking same over and over again. this isnt the life that i wanted to live. i feel like my fucking dad. and i would like to write more, but when the fuck can i do that. i get home and im fucking beat to hell because my job is wearing me out. ive got no outlets, no friends to talk to on a daily basis any longer. no one to share with, it blows ass. i hate it. but what do you do to fix it, its not like the other thigns, take your meds, go to therapy, get some sleep, take a walk, whatever, eat food. no this next level im on is something all together different. its much harder than i would have thought it would be. the stage that you look at the negative people in your life and get rid of them. only to find yourself very very alone. and for me thats not good, not good at all. sure it could turn around, but how. how the fuck do you meet new people. i did something like this before when i stopped talking to my family, but i had alot of support then, i dont have a great support system now. its bad man. i feel like i should be crying or something. but there aint no one to cry to. each day its the fucking same. i cant think straight right now, i want to get excited about the day, but fuck is it hard. i keep thinking of what i could be, but its not working. this is actually getting me more worked up than it should, ususally writing makes me feel better. this isnt making me feel better. postive, well, i did go to work today, i ate food, i didnt email carrie even though i wanted to, her being married or whatever she is, i didnt kill myself, i have a job, thats about all i can come up with.