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menometrorrhagia

irregular copious bloody discourse

fakers

Seriously, what kind of karma-tempting dumbass pretends to have a stroke? And who are the idiots that keep admitting these transparent phonies to my service? I've had three fakers in the past week. One was a guy wanting a vacation from jail. One was a triple-H.* One was a wealthy old biddy with nothing to do but worry about having strokes so much she imagines she's having the symptoms.

What sucks is it's always painfully obvious that these fuckers are faking and there's nothing neurologically wrong with them. And yet I still have to go through the motions of ruling out every single possible neurologic etiology for the symptoms they pretend to have. Even though it's obvious they don't really have them. All I want to do is walk in the room and *bam*, boot up the ass. "Get the fuck up out my hospital and quit wasting my time, bitch." But no. Instead I have to scramble to get an EEG done stat for no reason and hassle the electrophysiology fellows to read it immediately while simultaneously demanding radiology confirm the reading of NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A STROKE YOU DUMBASS on the MRI. All while juggling their demands for pain medicine and benzos.

And to the residents who are letting this shit get through the ER -- FUCK YOU! Examine them, look at the images and kick their asses to the curb. How hard is it? I send fakers home from the ER all the time. Somebody coming from jail basically has to be comatose and unarousable to seriously painful stimuli for them to get admitted when I'm on call. Sounds cruel and prejudiced, but it's borne out by experience. They always have an agenda. I can't stand this shit.

Also, if I ever have a stroke that robs me of anything more than the use of my right arm, please kill me. This is not a joke. KILL ME. Thanks.







*The term coined by a surgery resident during my 3rd year of medical school for overweight, overwrought Latinas -- Hysterical Hispanic Heifers. Just follow the trail of "ay-yay-yays!" in the ER and you'll find one.

llogg's brief list of things you should remember and/or learn

1. Yes, it is too much to expect for me to give you a complete review of four years of medical school every morning.
2. It is not my fault your mom had a stroke.
3. The girl from Chuck is one of the three hottest women on television. She might be all three in fact.
4. When you came into the hospital I asked you how old you were. You answered "Arwaulagensky?" I decided that was no way for you to go through life, so I gave you a medicine that broke up the clot keeping blood from getting to your left temporoparietal cortex even though you might have been technically 15 minutes outside the therapeutic window. (Not by European standards, however, since they have evidence that it might be safe up to an extra 90 minutes.) Now you speak in complete sentences. You owe me. You should be licking my asshole clean instead of threatening me with your attorney, who probably doesn't even exist.
5. Sleep. For God's sake, above all else, sleep.

by popular, err, singular demand ...

Where to start?

Fuck Parkland. Fuck any place that requires you to write the same shit four times to get one thing done. Fuck any place where a doctor has to defer doing his job so that some minimum-wage tech can do their job and get back to checking out yahoo comics. Fuck any place where a nurse thinks that sending a page at 1 in the god-damn morning to the doctor on call just to tell him that a patient has returned from a CT scan that was not at all urgent is a good idea. Fuck any place where 60% of the elevators are out of service on a good day and where two out of three front doors are broken routinely. Fuck Parkland.

I made my wife quit her job. Swamp Thing screamed for 2.5 hours non-stop the first night she went back to work. I could not abide. If he could be comforted by anything other than nursing I'd have no problem, but he's like a freaking crackhead fiending for that shit.

I got the Iron Gym (as seen on TV) for Christmas. It works. Not in the sense that I'm ripped like they suggest you will be if you only spend the three payments of $19.95, but in the sense that I can use it to do pull-ups and it doesn't crash to the ground or fuck up the wall or door frame. I like it, even though the number of pull-ups I can do is still single-digits.

Last year was the year I faced up to my mortality and started working out more consistently. This year I'm going to try and add more cardio and try to increase my caloric intake to avoid blowing away. My goal for the end of the year is to weigh 170. (I'm skeptical.)

One thing that might help is the ID card I found the other day. I was cleaning out the pile on my dresser and found my Parkland Cafeteria badge. I always wondered why I hadn't gotten one. You're supposed to be able to use them when you're on call to get food. Well, after a year and a half it turns out I'd accumulated $300 worth of meals on my card. Mmmmmm, pancakes.

I gotta go to bed. Llogg out bitches.

hey there new year, lookin' good ... no, not really

So I declared my first brain death the other day. It fucking sucked. This guy's house burned down around him. He didn't get burned too bad before the firefighters pulled him out, but he breathed in a shit ton of smoke. Smoke ain't good for your brain.

Here's how you declare somebody brain dead. (N.B. The following presumes that issues of metabolic, toxic, or infectious causes of patient's condition have been resolved. Normal blood chemistry and clean urine tox screen are mandatory prerequisites to brain death exam.)
1. Confirm state of coma. Basically this means yell at them, clap your hands real loud an inch from their face, and watch them not move or respond in any way.
2. Once coma confirmed determine response to noxious stimuli. For this step you need one flashlight, reflex hammer, or other hard metal object. Take the tool of your choice and mash firmly onto the nailbed of the patient. Observe for any movement, grimace, or response of any kind, including change in pulse rate or blood pressure. Alternatives to the nail bed pressure method can be used but are not considered standard. These include pinching the skin, or inserting metal object between two fingers and squeezing fingers around the object.
3. Once no response to noxious stimuli confirmed determine presence of brainstem reflexes. You've already essentially ruled out higher cortical function so you need to determine how low does it go. (I.e., does it involve the "lizard brain".) Let's break this out into each reflex.
a. Pupillary reflex -- this tests cranial nerves II (afferent) and III (efferent). First determine the baseline state of the pupils. Are they round? Are the left and right symmetric, or is one blown? Then shine a bright ass light into each pupil and observe the reaction. Does each pupil constrict directly (i.e., when light shone on that eye) and consensually (i.e., when light shone on the opposite eye)? If no reflex, homeboy's either blind (bilateral afferent defect -- optic nerves are shot) or brain dead.
b. Corneal reflex -- this tests cranial nerves V (afferent) and VII (efferent). Take a wisp of cotton (or paper towel in a pinch) and stroke the surface of the cornea. Observe for any reaction, most obviously an eye blink movement. If no reflex, again, probably hosed.
c. Gag reflex -- this tests cranial nerves IX (afferent) and X (efferent). The patients you are performing brain death exams on are typically going to be on ventilators, so you can't just jab a tongue depressor down their throat. On comatose patients not felt to be brain dead you can test this by jiggling their endotracheal tube to see if they gag. [Aside: I made a guy in a vegetative state throw up the other day by doing that. The nurse was pissed.] For brain death exams though, you squirt a little bit of saline or cold sterile water down the tube. You could also just stick the suction down the tube and jam it around down there. Same story if no reflex. Can't think of a good reason not to have this one if your brain stem is intact and you're not being medicated.
d. Vestibulo-ocular reflex (doll's eyes) -- this tests cranial nerve VIII (afferent), VI and III (efferent) (and the MLF but not critical to brain death exam). First you test this by holding the eyes open and rotating the head from side to side. Normal VOR will keep the eyes in the same place, like a doll's eyes. Abnormal is for eyes to stare straight ahead in coordination with movement of head. Next step is what's known as "cold calorics". First examine the ear canals for evidence of rupture tympanic membrane or obstruction. If clear obtain ice-cold water and a 50cc syringe. Elevate head of patient to 30 degrees. Draw 50cc cold water into syringe and, while holding eyes open with head turned to opposite side, irrigate ear canal with water slowly. Observe eyes for any response for three minutes after irrigation completed. If someone is faking a coma and you do this they will probably throw up all over you. Try it at a party sometime.
4. That's it for cranial nerves and consciousness. The only other brainstem function you have to rule out is respiratory drive. How do you test this? Why, turn off the ventilator of course! But before you do, pre-oxygenate the patient with 100% O2 for five to ten minutes. Draw an arterial blood gas (may need to set vent to mildly hypoventilate patient to get pCO2 up to 40, which is maximal stimulus to respiratory drive). Disconnect ventilator and insert canula from 100% O2 supply into endotracheal tube and advance about 8-10cm. Observe for any respiratory movements or other response. Monitor pulsoximetry. After 8-10 minutes reconnect the ventilator and draw another arterial blood gas. If pCO2 is now >60 or >20 above baseline value then the test supports brain death.
This was probably the most unnerving thing I've had to do in medicine to date. In theory there's not much difference between brain-dead and dead-dead, but I still didn't want to disconnect the ventilator and send this guy into cardiopulmonary arrest. I had to stand there and watch his skin grow goose bumps as the carbon dioxide built up in his blood. It fucking sucked.

Moving on, I'm thinking of changing the name of the blog and/or moving the blog since Opera's blog-hosting has not improved and I'm bored with the current name. What do you think of this:


I'm on the epilepsy monitoring service at the county hospital. I have three patients with intractable epilepsy since childhood currently. All from Mexico. All retarded to various degrees. All speak English better than my Spanish. Feels good.

free???

I could post about Christmas preparations -- including the fireplace I crafted out of posterboard so that Santa could get into our apartment, or about the illness that has worked its way from me to Phenie to Swampy to M*, or further about the Heisman/BCS debacle. But I won't. Instead, I'll post about something far outside my realm of expertise. (For those curious, my realm of expertise makes Lichtenstein look the size of the Roman empire.)

Since I've been doing lots of computer crap lately -- which is still not entirely resolved, by the way -- here's a list and brief explanation of free software I recommend.

* Opera 9.6 -- a fast, feature rich browser that's remarkably easy to customize to your whim and taste. While I admit their blog-hosting sucks balls, their browser is top notch. I don't believe it's the absolute fastest browser out there, and it still has some occasional quirks with Flash and losing track of plug-ins. I do find it to have the most complete set of features available among all the browsers I've tried. (Out of the box, I mean. I'm sure if you're dedicated to keeping them all updated you can get all the features you desire with Firefox extensions.)

* Google Chrome -- this is the fastest browser around in my experience. Very stable and responsive, but lacking some of the finer points that Opera has. The big things it lacks are customizations and mouse gestures for browsing commands. I love the auto-search in the address bar, however. If all I'm surfing for is a quick answer to a specific question, I use Chrome over Opera. And the more I get used to it, the more I find myself using Chrome. But every time I right-click-left-click expecting to go back and just get a menu box, I close out and open Opera.

* Inkscape -- I think the latest version 0.46 took some leaps forward in features, but back slid a little in resource economy and stability. I can barely run it on Vista (which is why I'm trying so desperately to get XP running on this POS). It is a fantastic graphics tool. I'll have some Christmas card images to post soon. If you want to see what vector graphics are and how you can use them but don't want to drop a couple hundy on Adobe Illustrator or Corel Draw, this is the program for you. (I know you could pay less for Xara, but I don't think Xara is exactly pro-level software, and if you're getting entry-level software you might as well go free with Inkscape.)

* Gimp -- Since I've gotten Inkscape I haven't used this bitmap editor all that much, but you can basically do anything in Gimp that you could do with Adobe Photoshop. Again, without the couple hundy. I think they've improved the support for Photoshop extensions/plugins/brushes in the latest version -- which I've got but haven't played with yet.

* Primo PDF -- You don't even know you need this program, but you do. It lets you print any document or file to a PDF. If you use mostly Microsoft products this could be very useful for you. Products like OpenOffice, Inkscape, and Scribus all come with native PDF export functionality, so if those are your default apps, then you might not need this so much. With MS Word, Excel, Publisher, or Powerpoint, however, there is no native PDF export capability, making PrimoPDF a great addition to your system. It's handy for all the reasons PDF exists. It's free. It's stable. It works great. Get it already, jeez.

* VLC Videolan media player -- Goodbye codecs! This excellent little freeware application plays just about any media file without hesitation. Unlike with Windows Media Player which requires frequent updates to codecs to keep playing your videos. I wouldn't use it as a jukebox for music though. Playlist functionality is pretty weak/counterintuitive. The interface is also not the most attractive, though this is a minor point for me. It's my default for any video files other than Quicktime.

* Spybot Search and Destroy -- Industry standard spyware protection. FREE. If you don't have this you're probably accruing spyware right now.

* iTunes -- Free, industry standard jukebox. I don't really like this app. It looks nice and is very stable and low maintenance, but it's not the most intuitive for browsing your library. I do like the way it handles podcast subscriptions, though. It's my default music player but only because no one's made a really good one yet.

* Amarok -- This is the music player I'll probably switch to when the stable Windows version is released. Looks much more intuitive for browsing your library. It has internet radio support for several sites (like last.fm). If it had Pandora support it'd be perfect. The greatest thing, however, is the ability to learn about the songs that are playing. Look up the lyrics, read trivia about the songwriter, or find the name of the drummer who sat in for the take that ended up on the album. All right in the jukebox. Awesome.

* OpenOffice -- replace Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, Powerpoint, Access) for free. Bonus features like PDF export, a simple drawing program that can handle vectors, and whatever you'd use the math formula app for. It's also a truly integrated office suite, so that you can open an instance of the database or spreadsheet or drawing app from within the word processor app. I haven't used it a great deal, but it seems stable, resource-efficient, and intuitive. Big thumbs up from me.

* Scribus -- replace Microsoft Publisher (which almost no one other than me has ever used), Adobe PageMaker/InDesign, or Quark XPress for free. I have almost no experience with this software but I have it on my system because, hey, you never know.

* AlphaChess -- simple two-d chess game. Three settings for computer opponent, capability of playing humans online. Better time waster than most.

*ImgBurn -- an app I didn't know I needed until trying to repair my Vista installation. Turns out that many computer manufacturers will install a fully licensed OS before shipping but do not include a full OS DVD with the system. Thus the DVD that came with my system lacked the repair function of most Vista DVDs. Which is why I had to download and install all these programs over the past couple days, putting them fresh on my mind. Anyway, if you want to burn a CD of, for instance, the repair function of Vista, or another full OS disc, you have to burn the ISO file. I don't really know how that's different from burning a CD of other types of files, but you can't just burn it normally. You have to use a program like ImgBurn. Which is free and awesome. If I ever get my system repaired I'm totally using this application to launch my career as a media pirate. Free copies of the latest Adam Sandler movie for everybody next Christmas!

blahblahblah and stuff

Afraidtofail has been updated and is set for the next three weeks at least. My computer is working again. I set up a dual boot with Vista and XP and it actually works now (after four solid days of fucking with it) but I still can't access the internet when booting to XP so it's mostly useless to me. If I ever get that figured out, though, it will be nice. XP loads in about a tenth of the time it takes Vista. Anyway, Swamp Thing can officially flip over from back to tummy. Phenie looks and acts like a teenager more often than not. I've been hammered with some viral infection for going on five days now and think I may be developing a secondary bacterial otitis media in both ears. It sucks pretty much. Better posts soon. Probably.

llogg's big xii championship game live blog

ou gets a hell of a return to open.

impressive drive even if the cheaters are still holding more than pee wee herman in a porn theater.

worst made field goal EVERRRR.

good return by Mizzou. OU probably kicks it away from now on.

Good run by Daniel.

Poor run by Daniel. Why did he not change the call when he saw that blitz coming?

Mizzou gets no luck to help their weiner kicker.

How did they not sack FAS boy?

Again!! Good series for Mizzou D.

Block that kick. Block that kick. Block that kick. Block that kick.

Poor series by Mizzou O. Daniel has to make a better play against the blitz on first down. The RB has to cut inside off his pulling guard's block. Again, CD needs to do better against the blitz.

Blatant HOLDING ASSSHOLES!!!!!!!! They don't make 7 yds without holding on that play.

Gresham is tearing them a new asshole.

He's about to tear ME a new asshole.

MORE FUCKING HOLDING ON AN IMPORTANT PLAY!!!!

It's about to get ugly.

Fuck live blogging. Llogg out.

well, sheeeeitt

Texas got hosed and the dirty cheaters from Oklahoma are going to the Big XII championship game. The problem here is that people treated the situation like a three-way tie when in reality Tech was not even in the conversation. That's why Texas got screwed. They also got screwed because Baylor couldn't hold on, Colorado couldn't nut up, and Cincy rolled.
All is not lost, however. I'm calling a Mizzou upset over Medium-Game Bob and his band of dirt burglars. Then Texas goes to Miami and plays Florida in a close game.

Texas should totally beat down their Fiesta Bowl opponent--Ohio State or Boise/Utah, which I guess is some consolation. Texas played better than expected all year, and five plays kept this from being a dream season, which sucks. Looking to next year the only drop off will be the loss of Quan on offense and Melton, Orakpo, and Miller on defense. Orakpo and Melton are not easily replaced but there are some studs waiting in the wings at DE. The loss of Miller will be huge, however. Hopefully somebody steps up big. The cheaters I think lose a couple OL and some DBs and WRs. Tech will be down a couple OL, Crabtree and Harell, and some DBs. The Big 12 will be Texas's for the taking.

OU sucks.

Addendum:


I've spent the better part of this morning reading about the fallout from OU destroying Tech. I see the coaches poll moved OU to #2 and Texas to #4. This blows. Here's the systematic way to approach this situation where two very evenly matched teams are tied.
1. Head to head: TEXAS BEAT OU BY DOUBLE DIGITS ON A NEUTRAL FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON. This should matter the most, but I'll admit it is hardly the whole story. Big point for Texas though.
2. Common opponents: In this case the common foes are Baylor, Kansas, and Tech. Baylor was 45-21 vs. 49-17, basically a wash. Kansas was 35-7 vs 45-31, a clear point for Texas here. Finally, there's Tech 33-39 vs 65-21, a big point for OU. Give a slight nod to OU here.
3. Other opponents: This is a little bit trickier. In non-conference most people are saying OU's wins over Cincy and TCU are impressive enough to overlook the fact that they also played Chattanooga (DivIFCS) and Washington (worst team in DivIFBS). FAU, UTEP, Rice and Arkansas aren't going to turn any heads, but by this time next week all but Arkansas may be bowl-eligible. I'm going to go ahead and say that neither Cincy or TCU are good enough to give OU points for this. Next are conference foes. Call Colorado (38-14) vs K State (58-35) a wash. Missouri (56-31, in a game that wasn't that close) vs Nebraska (62-28) is a clear Texas victory. I'll concede that Mizzou vs. TCU would be a close game and call the "other opponents" category even.
4. Best win: Texas's best win is 45-35 over the other half of this debate, OU, on a neutral field. OU's best win is 65-21 over Texas Tech at home after a bye week. I'd give the edge to Texas on this one because, one, Tech is out of the picture nationally now, and two, I cannot emphasize this enough, TEXAS BEAT OU BY DOUBLE DIGITS ON A NEUTRAL FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON. It's hard to come up with a better way to decide which team is better. Big point to Texas.
5. The loss: The Horns lost a heart-breaker on the last play of a game on the road after three weeks of tough games. The Sooners lost to TEXAS BY DOUBLE DIGITS ON A NEUTRAL FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON. I'm giving this point to Texas again.
6. Evolution since the head to head: This one is completely subjective, but should be considered. Texas has basically held steady. Colt came back to earth a little, but he now has a few more tested targets than he did against OU. The offense against OU was basically the Quan and Ship show, but now Collins is catching a lot of balls and Mal Williams is a proven legit threat. The line is status quo. Defense has basically held steady as well. Maybe a little better play in the secondary when Chykie is healthy, but overall the same.
Now for OU. Offense has been off the charts. I clearly don't follow them as closely as Texas to break it down further than this, but I'd have to say at least the run game is improved. Defense seems to be about the same, though all the announcers during the Tech game could talk about was the improvement in the linebackers for OU.
As much as it pains me to do so, I'd have to give OU an edge since they seem to have gotten better as the season progressed while Texas simply maintained. Now the question is, did they get 11 points better? I don't think so, but maybe.

So I've got Texas taking 3 categories, OU 2, and a draw in one category. I think this adds up to Texas being clearly ahead, but that's because I weight the categories Texas won the most. I could see how somebody could argue for weighting the last category the most, but that's hard to take given the utterly subjective nature of the argument. Clearly the voters didn't follow my plan, but they probably didn't think about it nearly as much as I did either. And that's sad, in several ways.

P.S. I'm sure you noticed I changed the blog look to one of the generic ones supplied by Opera. They changed the backdoor code and made my fucked up design look even more fucked up so I caved and took the easy way out.

...

1. OU consumed Tech's soul tonight. Amazing the difference that home field can make in a team's demeanor. The Raiders looked slow, weak, and confused from the outset. Compare this to aggressive, quick, and dominant to start the game in Lubbock against Texas. What's concerning here is that OU put such a beat down on Tech they will jump Texas in the BCS this week. Texas fans want one of the following five scenarios to occur:
- OU loses to OSU, Tech wins out but will be so low in polls that they will not be a factor, and Texas will play SEC champ in BCS title game
- OU loses to OSU, Tech loses to Baylor (hey, it could happen) so that Texas goes to Big 12 Championship, where a win would punch their ticket to BCS championship
- OU beats OSU, Tech loses to Baylor (I know, but still), so Texas wins head-to-head with OU and goes to Big12 CG, where a win puts them in BCS title game
- OU beats OSU, Tech beats Baylor, but an OU loss to Mizzou probably puts Texas in BCS title game unless polls suck USC off too much
- OU beats OSU, Tech beats Baylor, and OU beats Mizzou. But what the Duke boys didn't know was ... Bama loses to Auburn but beats Florida, setting up a Texas-OU rematch in the BCS title game
The most likely scenario is probably OU winning out and playing Florida in the BCS title game. Honestly those two teams are probably playing the best football right now. It does seem to be either Texas or OU versus SEC champ or USC (remote chance). Very interesting season.

2. My sweet potato girl had some sweet potatoes that didn't agree with her last night. They do not smell as good coming back up as they did going down. This is about the third or fourth time she's ever been sick. It's kind of weird, but I love it when she's sick because she gets all affectionate and just wants to sit in your lap and snuggle. I mean, I don't want her to be ill or anything, but I enjoy the snuggling anyway.

3. Swamp Thing continues to be a completely new experience. If he continues his current growth trend he'll be about 7'3". If he continues his current gastrointestinal trend he'll have to change his nickname to Colonel Mustard. Finally, if he continues his current tonsorial habits he'll have a shiny rim around the sides and back of his head with a dark, wispy mop in the center.

4. I love Thanksgiving.

5. The coaching carousel of college football. Unless Notre Dame sheds some dead weight, the only legitimately high profile job opening up is Tennessee. I definitely think Tennessee, Clemson, K-State, and Syracuse should all try to pry Patterson away from TCU. I don't think that will happen though. I'd also try and snag Mike Leach, but I don't know that he's going anywhere. Of course Peterson at Boise State would be a great candidate as well, though he never seems to get mentioned in these discussions. The guy I think a lot of people could be sleeping on is Ron English, Louisville's defensive coordinator, formerly at Michigan. He's an exciting, young, high-energy guy. And he's black. I know he had a big hand in recruiting many of Michigan's best players, so he can probably handle recruiting. I don't know that he's ready for the big time CEO aspect of head coaching, but in the right situation with a little patience he could do well. I'm thinking Clemson would be ideal.
Another name not getting enough play, to my mind, is Skip Holtz of East Carolina. Yeah, they fell off as the season wore on, but they're East fucking Carolina. He's done a great job just fielding a competitive team at a place that's third choice or worse in North Carolina for most recruits.
At least one of OU's coordinators is probably going to relocate. I'm sure somebody from Urban Meyer's staff at Florida will start to get some looks. They're having too much success to not see that start to trickle down. The coach at Utah deserves some consideration as well. The offseason could be interesting.
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