Monday, 16. November 2009, 06:02:43
He is this boy, the one I haven't been looking for, but the one who has been looking for me for before time started.
He is the one who dreams of me all night.
He is sad and lonely when I am not there.
But I wish to be to ease his pain and sadness which I do not yet understand.
I wish To be there to hold him in my arms.
To watch him sleep.
And be there when he wakes.
He is that kind of boy.
I know that he actually cares about what happens to me, and will try and make all the world mine if only he had the kind of power.
But I ask little from him, but yet he wants to give me the universe.
Which I do not need.
But he is so kind he has to find a way to give it to me anyways.
So I will walk with him and we shall never wake up from our quiet slumber.
Monday, 16. November 2009, 05:56:58
My feet are numb to the rest of me.
I sit here, and your there.
Some place far, someplace where I cannot get to you.
I am so upset at what has been done.
But it is done and can never be undone.
I am happy of that new life which I now have.
And I hope everyday that I will not wake up from this dream and it will be a candy covered nightmare.
I pray that I will return the drugged up love I had before.
That is what I miss the most.
That single feeling.
I know that kind takes months and even years to come.
But I wish for it now.
But I am a good person and I can wait for me.
So I will.
Now I am happy of what is next in my life
Happy to have a new lover.
One he tried to do everything for me.
Even though I do not ask him to.
He is just that way.
I do not wish for him to leave when the day is over.
But he has to go home.
And we are both left in sadness.
Perhaps someday that will change.
And we can be happy, happy in the world.
So for now I am happy to sleep in this beautiful dream never to wake up to feel the pain of the real world.
Monday, 16. November 2009, 05:43:51
I guess I've gotten back in the writing mood but these writings aren't as good as they could be and I really don't care.
A boy is what I want.
A little sweet baby boy.
I want to hold him, and place him at my breast.
I want to rock him to sleep, and let his Papa teach him to ride a bike.
I want to feel him being born in the heat of my body.
With the my husband holding me until he comes out.
He will be protected from the knife.
And taught agest it
He will be in our arms where they cannot cut, and born in peace and kept perfect as he was born.
His father will take him into his arms and hold him too.
We will teach him about life and how to be an honorable man.
He will hold the door for ladies, and know the core of his being and purpose.
He will wake up everyday with a smile knowing that the world is his playground.
Know he has substance and meaning in this world.
He will command all and they will fallow him in wonder.
They will come and he will lead through his great mind.
His name will be Gabriel and all the world shall aw at his being.
Monday, 16. November 2009, 05:31:23
Sometimes I dream of our life and what it would have been like.
But now I can not do that.
It brings tears to my eyes and takes to a place I do not want to be.
I cannot think of you as a lover any longer.
You are yet a shadow in the conner in my room.
You are like the rain, the snow, the sleet beneath my feet.
I am moving on.
So please do the same.
If you loved me and respected me then you would not have let me go for a lustful taste of the moon.
I am just a girl, a good person that tries not to ask for much.
And when I do ask I don't expect much.
Sometimes I even give up on that wish.
But I am getting happier and happier everyday.
Even with the stress of school.
I am getting happier and better at life.
I have a new lover, he's unlike you in every aspect.
I did not even think someone would want ME.
But I am loved and that I am happy of.
So now I will let you go, and when you find yourself I hope you will find everything that you will need.
And have a happy life.
Sunday, 15. November 2009, 09:29:22
Sometimes I think about my ex.
I miss him, and I love(d) him.
But the way he hurt me, that I cannot forget.
I deserved better than that.
So now he is gone and I have to start over.
Over with a new person. He is unlike you.
I want to love him and pretend everything is ok.
But the truth is. It will take me a long time to love him deeply.
He is what perhaps I need but he is not you.
You were everything I needed but you left and said hurtful things.
Things that I can’t remember, that I’m glade of.
But I know that they hurt and that kind of abuse I did not deserve.
So I do not miss you or love you.
But you are a part of me, and have shaped my life in a positive way before you changed. So I think of that, but when I do all I can think about is all I did for you and the evil you gave me a year ago.
Why did you do that to me? Why did you lie? Why did you hurt ME? Me of all people. NO one on the planet cared about you except me. You knew that so why did you hurt me? your parents barely saw you. they abused you and the state took you away. You had only me. And I was content with that.
I loved you. I loved you more than I knew.. More than I can understand. I have never loved anyone like that.
And all I can think about now is how the feeling of love itself is so addictive and
intoxicating. I miss that feeling to. The way it use to make me high. I miss that.
I wish I could feel that now. but I can’t so I am just in limbo.
I hope that someday I can feel that way again. That deep love I so crave.
So now I wait with my new lover for what is next in our lives.
Saturday, 14. November 2009, 07:49:37
Right now my life is yet but simple.
I sit in that fact each and everyday.
Pondering what will come of me.
I am so lost in what could come of me.
It takes me over and destroys my core.
I got to a point where I could no longer think of my future.
And It was no rest for me.
No ease for my mind nor soul.
But now I only think of my future sometimes.
And it pleases me.
Someday I will fallow all those dreams and all the world shall tremble at my feet.
Saturday, 31. October 2009, 03:55:22
As I stand here I can only think about what is real in my life.
Sometimes I wish I could have the life I so crave today.
But I'll just keep on waiting.
Monday, 12. October 2009, 08:39:45
I have a really serous mommy complex.
Perhaps its because of hormones.
But that I am still unsure about.
I do not just want to have random children.
I want a loving husband to come home to.
And three beautiful children.
It seems like year after year my dream gets pushed back.
I know I'm just a stupid college student.
But I have dreams too.
I have no job now, and no husband.
So I'll have to wait.
I do have a boyfriend, but we wont be done with school for a while.
So I have been calculating how long it will take.
And I came to 30 thats 8-9 years from now.
Depressing.
I want to just have everything now. But I'll wait...
... and it could be a 10 year wait knowing me.
I would like to get married in the next 2 or so years, and have kids before 26.
I just nearly wrote 25 but I'll be 22 this year and I don't see me getting married anytime soon or having a good paying job after college to support a family.
So somehow I'll just pretend I don't have these strong feelings.
And I'll act happy about just being lucky I met such an amazing man.
Thursday, 23. July 2009, 06:32:52
Sometimes I think of what life would be like if I was done with collage.
Or if I found a job.
Losing my job really hurt me.
I really miss so much about it.
And for the past 2 days I've been craving a job.
Its getting really bad.
Its like I'm itching for one.
For the most part I miss helping people.
That was the greatest part of my job.
Yeah there was bad times.
But I loved it for the most part.
And mostly I think I would have been with that company for a great long while.
But I tend to write so much when I come here.
I think one reason for this is because I mostly come here when I am feeling down.
So too many of my entries sound sad.
I guess I shouldn't do that?
But its my life.
Ps i still miss you.
Thursday, 2. July 2009, 02:08:09
This is the only place I can be me.
If I talked this way on my other places.
What would the masses think of me.
So I keep this pace separate.
I keep my face away from this place.
I don't think I will ever show it.
That is my goal.
My plan.
I use to miss this place with grat sadness.
But now I only write in it as a means to get my emotions out.
I have no other places to turn.
I wish somehow that I was the girl I've always wanted to be.
But that wish is crazy to me.
It leaves me alone but no lover.
Should I ask for one?
What will happen if I do such a thing?
But I believe someday that maybe I will have one.
Though I am not sure about that.
I'm unsure of that in my future life.
But I want it more than anything.
I want to have a husband and a child.
That would be nice.
But maybe some part of me doesn't deserve that kind of thing?
So should I be alone for all of time?
Or should I be happy.
That is not up to me.
I cannot make a man love me.
I cannot make him want me.
So I am here.
ALone that is.
Thursday, 2. July 2009, 01:54:40
So I sit here and I all can be right now is nothing but lonely.
Why do I feel this way?
Partly I am alone in this world.
Yes I have family, and some friends.
But they can not always be here.
My friends are so busy with school.
And I have no job to take up my time.
At the start of this year I was more happy.
The store didn't close.
And I had some income.
But now I have non.
So how will i pay for my school books, or bills.
I'm most worrid about missing a payment.
I don't want to mess up my credit.
If that is messed up then I can't get a loan for when I go away to university.
If I can't go then what will I do with my life.
So I'm just here on this earth.
Alone because I'm not really alive.
I'm just here. And that is that.
Saturday, 20. June 2009, 07:43:55
I
am
only
thinking of you.
Why?
I wish some part of my heart was gone to you.
But it wont die.
And your not mine.
So whats the point of feeling this way.
I'm just here siting and thinking of only but you.
It hurts deep deep deep down.
So far down that sometimes I feel like I'm over you.
That I'm ready for the new.
But then those deep ingrained feelings come back.
And they don't leave.
Some part of me wants you, and some part doesn't.
So please just fucking come home.
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