unexpected life events

. . . God doesn't give me what I've been praying for, would I still love Him?

I'm watching Facing the Giants and the couple there learned they may not have children, so the husband asked his wife that if God doesn't give them children, would they still love Him?

So what if God doesn't give me what I've been praying for? Would I still love Him?

I think if God doesn't give me the one thing I am constantly praying for, then I guess it's because He prepared greater things for me and not because He can't. I may not realize it but sooner or later I will. So I would like to stand firm in my faith and declare that Yes, I will still love God. God is my rock and my salvation, every breath that I take is His, I am enjoying tremendous blessings because He loves me. He loved me first, He knew me even before He put me in my mother's womb.

Now, I am desperate for God to grant me my heart's desire. But I will still abide in His plans because I know I can never go wrong.

Today is Xelle's 25th birthday and when i was walking from the bus stop to office this morning, a thought came unto me about Xelle. That she's still here on Earth, that she suddenly shows up one day and tell us that she was just abducted, lost her memory because of the trauma and so the abductors took advantage and hid her and then had a wax made to be sent here in the Philippines.

Come on, it's not far fetch. She's such a sweet and thoughtful girl that anybody would love her company.

It's possible isn't it? If you disagree, give me reasonS why it's not possible.

i thought this year is my year. and i thought this month would be the best this year. I had my hopes up. I believed what i felt, or did i believe what i want to believe? i think i just have to face the music, the reality that the dream has come to an end. painful as it is, it has ended. and i can't do anything about it. nothing.

i know it's my fault, not knowing when to stop, not knowing when to wake up, not knowing when to finally face the truth even if it is staring me in the face. it's my fault that i let myself believe in happily ever after when those craps only happen in fairy tales not in the flesh.

a mugglecaster quoted someone saying not to cry because it's over but to smile because it happened. nope. not in my case. it's like seeing chocolate almond meringue cake on a cake shop, bought it, went home and ate it. that cake tastes so damn good so you decided to go back the next day to buy again. but when you get to the shop, they said they do not make that cake anymore, that the one you bought the other day is the last one. you were friends with the baker but he won't make you one, even for the last time.

about 8 years ago, there is something that excites me when i hear May 2008. so i thought something good will really happen. something life-changing. but there's none. it's almost halfway through the month and the thing that happened only broke my heart and hopes.

I am positive thinker but at this moment, i don't think i can even think of one single positive thing that may come out of this situation.

oh. and this isn't about wabwayf.

everything is clear to me from the time i first entered the office to just sitting there waiting, to introducing myself, to going out for dinner, and to coming to the hotel. as well as the first time he spoke to me and the first time i rode his car. everything is as clear as water.

if only i could capture everything in my head to a video camera, i will do it and i will play it over and over. believe it or not, it really is clear.

and i despise it. why does it have to be so clear? why do i got to have a very vivid memory of those times.

I need someone to slap me so I could get out of this reverie. I am just fooling myself whenever I think that it is possible, because it is not. I need someone to discourage me to stop doing things that will only make it harder for me to move on. This is my fault. I brought it this far, I should have stopped it before it even started.

I am losing hope of ever going back there. I am close to resigning to the fact that I will spend the rest of my life in this pitiful third-world country.

I do want to just trust the Lord because November last year, He told me that I will receive what I’ve been wishing for this year. Yes, he told me. No, not in a dream. I was wide awake. Our pastor said it was a calling of the Spirit, wherein your heart knows that the Holy Spirit is visiting you and is conveying message to you but you cannot do anything but cry.

However I psyche myself into that fact, I am still clinging to the current ‘want’ and is so stubborn to let go. It is true that the Lord works in ways we are not capable of deciphering. But stubborn as I am, I’ll just be pushing what I want and will just stop when I have a new ‘want’ or when the Lord’s answer is finally staring me in the face.

So, slap me.

2nd annual abstinence
last year, i abstained from pork and beef. and i can say that i was successful last year. this year's lent, i am abstaining from pork, beef and rice. so it's just chicken, fish, veggies and pasta for me. i am still thinking of what other things to abstain from. like gaming perhaps, but the thing is i am selling my laptop already. so that's really less gaming for me.

we can't choose
in one of my previous blog in December last year, i said that we can choose whom to fall in love with. and i guess it's true. because if i can choose, i will definitely not choose masi. why? first, we barely understand each other (literally), and second, i am a Christian and he doesn't have a religion (but believes in God).

omikuji
omikuji is the paper that masi made me get when we went to konpira-san. and in it, my fortune for one year is stated. like, whatever that i wish for will come true this year and that i am getting married this year. overall, it states that this is a very good year for me.
the thing is, i dont need omikuji to tell me that this year is going to be good. because november last year, i've already known that whatever i wished for will be granted this year. i blogged about it actually.

new place
i moved in last night to my new place. not bad really, even if i have to share the room with 2 girls. it's very convenient and the place is nice. i am actually ready for daily overtime. Bring it on!

missing matsuyama
I really do want to go back there. I can spend the rest of my life there, provided that i will be permitted to come home at least once in 2 years. with masi or not, i still like the place. i really really like it.