the f u dance

how the mighty

a friend called
from his cell
he was on the corner
of harvest and rickett
out there somewhere
describing a crash

a twisted
once mighty
f350 dually
rolled on its side
its owner
a burley gent
still a bit dazed
empties an extinguisher
into the smoldering wreckage

still on the phone
my buddy asked him
if hes ok and
a booming voice
still somewhat shaky
yells
flippin mosquito

he was riding along
when the tiny pest
bounced inside his glasses
and ricocheted
between his eye and the lens
he took off the specks
to shoo the blighter away
and wound up
bouncing off a tree
spinning as his
beloved beast of burden
shatters and splinters
in a mangled mess

least youre ok
my friend consoles

yeah but
my truck is fukt

one half gram bug
davey and goliaths his
unsuspecting two plus ton ass

how the mighty have fallen



sorry
fivetenten
rip poor f350

whoa there

uh
a friend
and i use that term liberally in this case
sent me a link to an archived version
of lowbrow dot com one point oh
no way so cool
good luck

caveat
you cant unread something
so you have been warned

http://lowbrow.blackholed.org/random.html

sorry
fivefourteenten

blasts from the past

the next few are old school from at least ten years ago
i apologize in advance

sorry

dylexsia
standing at the reception
and just kinda scanning the room
for people i might know at this wedding


the look on this
guys face
was of sheer terror
lined with green gills


hes gonna hurl


i point to the direction
of the bathroom
from across the room
and he hauls ass toward that direction


those unmistakable sounds
of thunderouschunder


shrill screams

beautiful dresses
bespeckled with lunch
run from the foyer

oh

i meant to the left


damned dyslexia


sorry
way back

thirty thou

he said to her

you can slap your best
oscar winning
twenty dollar schmooze
on her but ill be fucked
if shes gonna give us thirty grand


she looked down dejectedly


then he said

hell

to get that kinda cash

we d hafta sell the boy


the toddler looked up
with 
whatthefuck

written all over his face

sorry
overheard discussion about
a quote serious boob job endquote

beatin

quote
when faced with
inevitable choice
of paintthinner or beating
i ll take the beating everytime
gives me an undeniable justification
for kicking someones fukking ass
at a later date
when no ones expecting it
endquote

ok

sorry
way back

interesting conversations with jesus


he said

so i am the chosen one
jesus fukking christ
and no one believes me
and so they will all go to hell
i will make sure of it


i told him that
jesus didnt want to be the son of god

you know lord if this cup can pass by me etc etc


he said
oh yeah


another jesus dies

no cross

no nails



sorry
talking to a delusional gent
way back

overheard at a wedding

ok so hes disabled
and was hit by a drunk
at the age of virgin eighteen

bitter as i would be in his shoes

he cant walk
cant use his hands
has been in a wheelchair since he got outta the hospital


but asking me if i would be so kind
to help him on and off my wife

basically help him rape my wife

at a wedding

still makes me want to punch the bastard in the mouth

what am i doing here
do i know these people



sorry
tenninetyeight

reno nv

hes coming onto her
with the full court press

they are playing pool
and hes giving her pointers
and lots of plastic
nice shot s
and
good leave s
crappy praise

she is dropdeadheartstopping

ill give him that much

but this groovycondoguy act sucks whale

then

as if god agreed

she winds up to take a shot 

and poinks the cue butt into his ballsack
just hard enough 

to drop him to his knees


fake through that condoguy


sorry
ninetyseven

makermark unpaid solicitation number fourteenthousandtwohundredtwentyseven


walking into a pub

good tunes

nice looking women of a dangerous ratio

no dickheads of note

barstool open
and tender waiting to serve

whatll be says he

scanning the shelves


no makers


nothing exclaim i
and continue to search


what the fuck 
am i possessed or what

hell i d sit in a shooting gallery full of zombie rednecks who are having a feces flinging contest so long as i could get a makers on the rocks

sorry
nyc ninetynine

evolution

i remember
walking into
the plow and the stars in cambridge

a well heeled gent with pain in his voice
playing a steel hollow body he slept on the night before

sang ccrider like leadbelly had invaded his soul
for one more show

a fruitfly floated in my warm blackandtan
as 
the sun attempted to cut a beam through
the smoke of handrolled drums and camel no filters

swaying slightly on the ass polished bar stool

praying at the altar of redemption
for the alcohol forlorn


that was twenty years ago


the last time i was in there

it was wall to wall black turtlenecks
and tiny glasses

gitane or gauloise designer smoke

long island chicks who whined about dancing

and a crowd of posers who couldnt hold a tune

no less pry a feeling from the drivel they attempted to play

and people clapped

when i finally did get to the bar and asked for a pint

the tender read the menu 

coorslight


i am outta here


sorry
way back

lemmings

if microattendinglyhyperscrutinizing

were a curse

id be the next plague

if it were a gift
id be a manic santa


but pedastalled high or smote

leaves little but the rage of detailed

unfiltered lemmings

aswim in thousands

amok in my veins

out out damned spot

a smile is a hook

a pause a dagger

a glance condemnation

a mutter a din

processed processed

then spit the map

you are here


a skulking society


the conspiracy of cartographers

sorry
wayback

persecuted

she said
the thing that burns my ass
is that i am supposed to be tolerant
of other peoples religions
and be understanding
about the plight of the persecuted
jesus guys
or the anti jesusguys
or whomever

and not one of the fukkers respect or tolerate
the fact that i am agnostic

do what i say not what i do

hows about bite me


sorry
quotes from theology students
way back

autoerotica

this shock chick
who digs intimidating innocent people

especially ones she doesnt know

struts into a room
and starts a rather loud q and a
with this quiet nermal type guy
who was sitting on the couch
and minding his own b

i didnt know the guy
but he wasnt fukking with anyone
and just sitting there digging the james brown cd 

the only thing he said was

the musics too low


so what do you think about autoeroticism

she says
and the convo in the room dies instantly


a very pregnant pause
held just long enough
as people waited to hear
the quiet guys response


well stacey says he


she pales

she didnt know the guy knew her name


i think having your little sister
suck me off in your moms cierra
was a hoot


and
of course

the inevitable high velocity beer douching of my nostrils

gotta watch who you play with


sorry
northport long island
wayback

relationship counseling oneohone

he said

so i hadda take forty hours on the couch
to get trua class on counseling
and it sucked but taught me a world of shit


she calls me up the other day
and says that
if i want us to be togetha
we hafta see her shrink tamorra
like i didnt think we hadda problem really
except that
after she got her hooks in she didnt really like what she caught
and fuck it if it doesnt work


so we sit down in a shitty office
with shitty sexual suggestive paintings
and shitty chairs and stuff
and the woman shrink
who has obviously taken sides from the getgo
starts with the pointed questions about
why am i so fucked up

i was ripshit

i started to criticize her method
explaining to my will soon be ex girlfriend
the rationale and consequences of such a one sided attack
and then began to weave questions
about why the shrink feels the need to exact revenge upon males
and autoassume
they are always wrong

pause i mean really what does one say when hit with that out of the blue
he continued


the end of the show was the best 

the shrink told me to come back and explore these problems
and i told her only if shes buying
and

get this

she said we could meet for free

like does the woman have any ethics at all
with regard to client shrink relationship
or whatthefukk

my girlfriend was instantly incensed
as she pays a buck twenty five an hour
for that garbledbullshit

i told them both they should be ashamed of themselves
and walked out of the office
with the guilt dripping from their faces

it was great exclam

i think everyone should take psych
just so you dont get fukked with


the diatribe went something like that

and i could not agree with him more

watch out all you regularmutherfukkers

assholes with phds are trying to use you
and tell you you are fukt up and
need zoloft and
just cant live without their unfathomable wisdom

sorry
just before deciding not to become a psychiatrist
way back

whoa
flashbacks

finally home

the ground seems to vibrate
the anxious leaves unfurl
so fast
you can almost watch it happen
the sky once again
is shrouded in
the womblike greenish bowl
as signs of ahhhhh
are almost audible
as the trees drink in the
strong draught of new sunlight

dew dries off the stems and branches
and the whole world
seems to grab for the sky

winding down the
twisty dirt road and across the bridge
i see my house
my family
cradled in new green

finally home


sorry
fivetwentyoneten

a great line

she said
there are no i s in team
but there are three u s
in
shut the fukk up

i laughed out loud and long


sorry

parenthood

she said
i love being a parent
that way all of your mistakes
become fodder
for your prodigys
future stand up gigs

uh oh



sorry
fivetwentysixten

insert swear here

he was giving me a hard time for
being so
roundabout
as he called it

just say what you mean and
who the hell cares if you swear
i mean
is it better to be pc or honest

like it is an all or nothing situation

i tried to explain a more
tempered and balanced approach

well says me
there are some people who are
offended and rightly so
and
in an effort to live in
a society
sometimes it is better
to take anothers perspective
than to stomp on others rights
just so you can pretend you are an individual
you fukkin selfish juvenile asshole

jaw hanging and a pause
filled with

see what i mean



sorry
sixthreeten

cows

furioulsy scrubbing
he stood in a stream
creating biodegradable bubbles
at an alarming rate

what are you doing
shouts the shorebound co camper
youre foaming up the whole river

scrubby goes into a tirade
about bacteria and parasites
and how we are all just food for
the real owners of this planet
we are the cows
and viruses and other things
that live in and on us are
the top of the real food chain
scrub
scrub
scrub

shorebound pauses a minute
and then calmly retorts

yeah but
you cant scrub ugly
so knock it off

cackling laughter
richocets off the valleys rocks



sorry
from ohtwo

static

tumbling thunder rumbles
between white flashes
hotter than the sun
the tip of the finger
of some wrathful god
touches and shatters
a mighty oak
as humbled humans
scatter like cockroaches
in a deafening blast



sorry
sixfourten

cleavage

man said casanova dejectedly
k just ripped me a new one about
looking at her cleavage
i mean she was just about hanging out
of that green shirt and
so i took a look
i mean why does she dress
like that if
she doesnt want
anyone looking at her

doink
a rather dim fellow
exclaims
she prodably gay

to wit a rather
dashing young urbanite
chimes in
its not that she doesnt want
anyone
looking at her
she just doesnt want
you
with your lecherous leer
and simian intent slathered
across your
gaping drooling maw
looking at her
there is a big difference

doink and casanova
stare at him
like puppies
who hear faint far away whistles
but cant quite place
where the sound
is coming from


sorry
overheard
sixfourteenten

flashback

quickstepping through the
packed neighborhood
late
houses squeezed in tight
like queens in nyc

a small kid hangs out
the open window
yellling down to her mom
that she wont open the door
mom has apparently
locked herself out

mom looks at me
and tight lipped smiles
shes her own person
says she to me
but she can think about that in
time out

i sheepishly smile
and walk by

and flash
a memory of
walking home
to hell hole southie
back when heroin ruled the streets
a man in a greying sleeveless t shirt
and boxers
threatening two little kids
maybe seven and four
hanging
precariously
out the third story attic window

you better open this door
or im gonna beat your little asses
when i get in there
he bellows

and the chorus from above

fuck you daddy
yeah fuck you daddy
loud and clear

yikes
same tightlipped smile on him
same sheepish smile on me

but a world of difference

praying this is evolution of the species
but skeptical nonetheless


sorry
sixfifteenten

risotto redux

drinking my
aged sumatran with a splash of half and half
typing through the emails du jour
i get a whiff

garlic i query

then a smile slides
all junkie across my face

last night
a minuet of culinary techniques
to bring a steak tip and thyme
with broccoli green onions and porchinis
to life in a garlic laden creamy risotto
a handful of parm to thread
the silky rice together
and a handful of fresh juilienned basil atop
mmmmm

mouth watering
i realize
this spacing out into foodgasms
wont wash at the district meeting today
better claw at a few lemons
and scheme up the next
kitchen distraction


sorry
sixsixteenten

frankenupdate sixsixteenten

i wander out to the trash cans
fully expecting to meet the raccoons
whom have decided that my garbage
is their buffet
and a thump
under frankeplow
whip out the ipod
as a flashlight

a large chunk of rust
decided it was time
to jump ship
before
the ship sank

like hell
says me out loud
and i toss the
truant iron
into the open broken window

not yet you bastard



sorry
sixsixteenten

fourth

ok
so maybe the ideal celebration
for independence day
doesnt need to be cliche
with the bbq grilling meatschnacks
and the big bang boom once it gets
even the faintest whiff of
darkness
but
little reduces me
to a drooling and staring
two year old
than a few thousand bucks
judiciously applied
to acquiring and
dispensing
the latest in the pyrotechnical arts

ba boom

sure its fleeting
sure the money could be
spent more prudently
in so many millions of other ways
and i could grow soybeans
instead of a front lawn

but the unbridled giddiness
of
as a compadre of mine once explained
blowing shit up
is at once so redneck hilljack
and at the same time
so sublime

ah
the yin and yang of it all

ka boooosh

sorry
seventhreeten

maybe a few arms

he strode off hot under the collar
why so bent asks me to he
you know
he said
you think you are in
you know
family
part of the furniture
so to speak
and it takes only
a simple conversation
with those in the
coveted inner circle
to realize
that you are just hired help
fucking elitist fucks

ok

so when did you think you
were so entitled or
that you belonged
or that you wanted to even be
in the supposed inner circle
i thought
but didnt say

i mean shit
its like trying to join the all time losers club
and getting mad
when they dont accept you

everyone has their aspirations
i guess

mine includes an arms length distance
from the whole lot of them

maybe a few arms


sorry
sevenfourten

herbicide

hes lived on that lake for
decades
since he was a boy
nearly seventy years ago
he set his waterfront
with a wide assortment of
flowers and vegetables
that never seem to grow

they get sun
he waters his babies
religiously
slogging bucket after bucket
up from the
now seemingly overpopulated lake
but all the plants
regardless of species
wither and die

dont they put herbicide
in the lake to keep out
the dreaded milfoil

the simple life
takes a quick left
into supposed progress

i can hear his heart breaking


sorry
sevententen

bobbing


i look down at the shoreline
as the thick black clouds
race in from the west
the first blasts of cooler air
days overdue
rushed by
leaving a hail of
heavy raindrops in its wake

out in the water
seven no twelve
laughing heads bob up and down
as the rain bounces off the
lake surface

beers in hand above the waterline
and laughing
they beckon me to swim

grab a beer
hurry up and get in
they say
before you get soaked in the rain

finally
fuzzy logic even i cant argue

sevententen