the f u dance

easy i do have to post regularly for a course i am
taking to get my masters
old dog and new tricks iguess
been neglectful
but never promised you a rose garden

three weeks of hellish
yet fun in some ways
obligatory family outings
one more reunion and
ill be an onion
but now
settling back
in my own
slice of heaven

so keep your skirt on
im chillin
and that dont happen
very often



sorry

sixty three

mike is
cant really say how mike is
he is who he is and
if you dont like it
hes not all that bothered

his health has been kicking his ass
and he can barely do
a tenth of the things he used to
but he still can drive
and he still loves cars

i went over to see him
last weekend
he pulls out his sixty three impala
three twenty seven
four eleven gears
and it is a dream to behold

the lines are straight
the carpet is clean
the engine is spotless

so mike says me
this thing must screw
and he smiles
that secret smile
that you have no idea smile
that probably got him in more
trouble
than he cares to recall

hes not healthy by any means
but hes still in there and
hes still smirking
as his hand slides down
the front fender
of that perfect car


sorry
seveneighteenten

secret

ill let you in on a little secret
he says to me
when you start something
keep the expectations so low
that no one will believe that
you can actually pull it off
talk about how difficult its gonna be
how impossible it really is
and then
crank it out in record time

i did that in school
every damn day
he continued
teachers think your an idiot
and you fail the first quiz or two
then you actually show what you know
in drips and drabs
until you ace the final exam
teacher thinks youve come around
and pats herself on the back
for being such a great educator
and look at the growth
wow
everyone's happy

no different with
sex
your career
your friends
the world
talk low
shoot high
winner every time

guess i should listen to him
hes made six figures plus
every year since
he graduated from cornell

when i asked what did he get
his degree in he replied
liberal arts
and laughed and laughed

although i admire him
and his accomplishments
being a negative optimist
i do get his point
but
i think i would hate to feel
that the whole shebang
is just one big con job
and a quest for who to fool next

maybe it is
but ill take may reality
with a good dose of
closet fantastical hope



parenthesis
a negative optimist
is one who expects the worst
and if it happens
they say see i told you
and when the worst doesnt happen
they say woohoo
i win
closed parenthesis

sorry
seventwentyten

drive

he said
when the drive ta work
reminds you so much
of a drive to the camp
i mean
to the point that you
hafta remind yourself
no
its to the office
you are doin alright

cb says
right on

we all nod
in agreement



sorry
seventwentytwoten

fish sandwiches

i went to a site
based out of finland
and was so
intrigued by the text
that i copied a bit
and threw in
the translator

howd it come out
asks me

awh there are so many
idiomatic expressions
my crappy translator
said
something about
fish sandwiches



sorry
seventwentytwoten

evil

he said
i know hes struggling
being a drunk is hard for him
hes shitty to his wife
my sister
could give a rats fuck about
his slightly disabled son
is rude to anyone who
helps him
even the plumber
never helps another person
and only deals with you if there
is something he can get out of it

i know hes got a problem
with his poisons
and there are quite a few of them

once he even stole his
mother in laws
painkillers the little shit

i met his dad
and his dad is
the same
egotistical
self absorbed
addict

i get it
his daddy didnt love him
and his mom wishes
she never had him
oh and they are divorced

but for crying our christmas
when does this forty five year old
baby
become a man

im telling you
hes evil


i ve met the prick
and
being someone who tries
my damnedest
to see the good in others
i cant

hes evil



sorry
seventhrityoneten

frankenmousehouse update

ok
so i figure i ll
upgrade frankenplow
and put in some new wiring for
the headlights
they are blinky at best
so i gotta take off the dash
which is easy because its barely attached
and
replace the switch and the wires
a little elbow grease and
the dash flops forward
sending three or four mice
running for cover

they ricochet around in the cab
run up the outside of pants
one runs up my shoulder
zips through my hair
and launches like a lemming to the sea
out the permanently open
drivers window

flailing and swearing
i regain composure
after the exodus
and start digging out the
fluff and stuff nests
throughout the mousehotel dash
the smell of mice droppings making my nose itch
when
somewhere in the background
i hear a faint giggling like sound

i look around
there isnt anyone

you laughing at me
i says to frankenbitch

tee hee hee



sorry
eightoneten

amputee

a pair of pin straight
and ever be branched
hemlocks stood side by side
racing to the sky from the same trunk

lefty was robust and lush
righty was yellowing and
dropping needles

ok so
fell righty to keep lefty
from succumbing to the same
degenerative fate
right
sacrifice one to save the other
right

shows you the extent of
my forestry expertise

so a month or five passes
leftys looking listless
then the needles get yellow
then the rain of brown needles

think i amputated the wrong leg

think i ll stick to computer based applications


sorry
eightoneten

amputee two

damn
the hemlock left standing
can only drop one way
into deer pond
in a thicket of baby hemlocks
and bramble

this is gonna suck immeasurably

so i ponder
mostly while im sleeping
and eureka
a systematic series of
carefully placed passes
with the ol chainsaw
and i should be able
to drop that pupp
right down the middle of
the narrow path between the two ponds

wait
if i cut into in on a spiral
i might be able to get
the tree to twist
so the majority of the branches
hit the ground first
and stay out of the thicket
hmmm
i ponder
and ponder

finally
fuck it
im going for it

prep the gear
cut add a wedge
hammer it home
cut wedge hammer
tighten the rope
to give that minute amount of pressure
to keep it from losing its balance
cut a wedge out
back cut

timber

fell to the right side of the path
most of the branches are on the left side of the path
im sweating like a mule
from the tension and
the fact its a mighty big tree
then realize

i l have to go through at least
two tanks of gas
to cut my way out of
of the tangle of branches
that now block my exit

my hands still vibrating
once i reached the back of the field
i put the saw down
wet to my waist
feeling victorious
over a tree i had killed

least theres more firewood
and i ll burn every last
stubborn warrior branch


sorry
eighttwoten

frankenupdate supplemental

my son walked past
the beast the other day and
asked if i had made up the
name
frankenplow

indeed i thought i had

we had an incident
with a rather psychotic squirrel
you know
half mangled
missing and ear
and half his fur off in clumps
chattering on the ground
when it should have
been scampering away to safety
and we named
said twisted nasty rodent
frankensquirrel
so i tell him

well
once the multi year
chevy
as unregisterable as they come
started requiring
eighty four and eighty three
and even some eighty five parts
to maintain viability
i noticed it had a similar nasty attitude
as that poor deranged squirrel
so
we named it
frankenexpletive
which we later changed
to frankenplow
i tell him

well
i googled frankenplow
and there is another in
Labrador or Newfoundland
says he

i google

man
that myron has one sweetass ride

comparatively i mean


sorry
eightthreeten

tings

oh
so you split the garlic head
into individual gloves
in the fall and
they winter over
then the next spring
each clove
produces a head

yup says cb

what do you do with the
cloves that form in
from the flowers
is the question

deadhead em says cb

the things you can learn
sitting around a fire
in your yard


sorry
from seventhirtyoneten

santa claus

so cb and i are
moving the splitter
that im borrowing from him
hes a good egg
and
we continue a rant
about santa claus

he says
i like myths
for the story telling aspect of it
you know santa jesus the tooth fairy
whatever
but what i dont like
is the social control
part

i agreed

i told him how i saw
reggae megastar
jimmy cliff
on the cober rapor
the other night
and when steven asked
mr cliff what religion he belonged to
mr cliff replied
ive studied them all
but i graduated

we agreed that was
a unique perspective
ate a few tasty blackberries
and looked for hornworms
on the tomatoes

not a bad visit


sorry
eightfourten

two columns

he said
so i sit around
thumb in my ass
waiting for something
anything
to happen a vast majority of the time
i do shit but its all distraction
with no action
he opined

and then
he animatedly gesticulated
blammo
eighty five things to do
all by tomorrow night
a whole pile of shit
funneled down into two or three days tops
and i drink coffee and
go on all nighters
until the shit is done
bitching the whole time
about its too damned much
and i ll finish
in the nick of time
but i ll finish

and twenty fukking seconds
after im done
i start pacing about
like im expecting my son to be born
waiting for something
anything
to happen

its a godammed disease
i tell ya


guess im infected too
guess life is in two columns
one is
waitng for shit to happen
the other is
bitching about shit thats happening


sorry
eightfourten

funnel
two columns redux


ive got about eighty five things to do right now
piled high and deep
funneled into
some imperceptible hole in
the top of my head
with
not window to jump out of
no sword to fall on
just grindagrindgrind
but what am i doing
oh
jotting down this incredibly important
treatise uh i mean bitchings
because that
is far more important

oh by tenfold easy


sorry
eightfourten