the f u dance

frankenplow update

after scraping up
most of the half foot
or so
of new snow
off the bridge
and driveway
i parked the bitch
so i could move
my real truck aside

walked back over
to the oddly chugging plow
and suddenly
kersnap
fwapfwapfwap
and within a few seconds
shes belching
boiling antifreeze

lemee guess
threw a belt

ok a trip to
the parts store
and three belts later
she runs again

my daughter
saw the steaming
hood and
said

is it dead finally
sighing

no
not now
not until
i say so

backing the
cranky rustbucket
out of sight again
the engine suddenly revs
out of control
the accelerator pedal
broke loose
from the firewall

after i pry it
outta the hole
and its lying on the floor
i think

maybe now i say so

nah


sorry
onethreeeleven

o bey i pad

he said
good god
like the electronics
are not addictive enough
got me an ipad
hell
i dont even feel like
jerking off any more

really
sorry about that

sorry
onefoureleven

theres snow way

a buddy described
his attempts to
rekindle an annual tradition
where he harasses his lifelong friends
into camping in the snow
near the top of the country
snow fire beer bbq
and the
remember the time whens

seems his pals
all have better ideas
get together for sure
but
woodstove warm porch
football playoffs and
warm beds
throw in some
venison chili
and a bourbon rocks
and
bliss

hes miffed in a way

cant really get the full effect
he laments
out in that valley
listening to the yotes yappin
you know
man at the behest
of mother nature
the whole shebang

im guessing he
doth protest too much

perhaps
his old bones dont like the cold
but his pride likes to think
hes impervious

im heading out
into that valley with him
next weekend
partially to stop his bitching
partially to find out
maybe hes for real about it
maybe hes a wuss

but im bringing
bourbon and chili
either way

hope it snows like a mfer

sorry
oneseveneleven

relative streetlight star

he said
me and roundeye and scarecrow

i didnt make up those names

are heading up to ts farm
and gonna clear some oak and maple
off their paddock on sunday

gonna snow says me

yeah well
were just gonna cut and haul anyway
fuck the snow
i need some wood for next year

a bit amazed by his
unusual forward thinking
i sighed a bit

wish i had wood for next year
i muttered

he went off a bit
about how c has two years of wood cut and stacked
and j has a pile the size of his house
and did you see ts stack
cripes
he said
ima boy playing a mans game

whats that make me
i wondered

then i got a call
from a buddy
who lives in queens
hes got one of those
portable backyard fireplaces
in the middle of his postage stamp yard
behind his behemouth house
and he was talking about
cutting up a dead branch
from his tree
and the fire hes standing next to
and how he could see
the star

he can only see one
a bit of light pollution
down there in nyc
i told him that was the streetlight
over the busstop

he swore at me

guess its all relative


sorry
oneeighteleven

clear

i was perplexed
well sort of

she wouldnt start
wouldnt turn over
just sat there sulking
and the snow piled up

look
says me to poor frankenplow
i know it sucks
being brought back to life
time after time
when youre really supposed to be
melted down
and reincarnated as
those little things
that hold erasers on pencils
but look
its snowing
youve got it in ya
comon
just one more

i turn the key

squat

ok
says me
first of all
im talking when i should be
blasting your punk ass

yank the airfilter off
and toss it
pour some gas in the back of the carb
or whats left of it
slap on the jumpers
remember
red and black are crossed
and punch the now
disabled accelerator to the floor

clear
i yell to no one
as if i was some emt
putting the paddles on
to defrib an old lady
and crank the key

it chugs begrudgingly
and spews the
all too familiar
blue cloud of protest

knocking like a kid
on halloween
she scrapes my driveway
one more time

down near the bottom
she decides to take
an unscheduled trip
into a ditch

oh i see
i mutter
playing hard to get

i flip it the bird
as i walk all the way
back up to the house

the gmc will rip
you right back on the drive
expletive expletive

hmmmm
i thought
a new kind of madness
fighting with inanimate objects
and taking it personally
when you lose


sorry
onenineteeneleven

tennis

he said
you know
if you get the chance
you oughtta sleep
with a girl
who plays tennis

huh
it was a bit
out of context


no really
and he tells a tale
of a college
and liquid acid
and five feet of snow
and some late night nookie
and the nubile nature
of a body well tuned
and the
unlikelihood of the encounter
we drooled a bit
least i did

so r
not necessarily willing
to go down as
a one woman man
explained
a particular quality of
his school marm wife

it had to do with
garden hoses and monkeys

ok
tmi tmi tmi
i said

he looked at me puzzled
as if
i took away
his shot at redemption

look around
dear r
redemption
from these knuckledheadz
is that what you need

sorry
post dated
onesixteeneleven

jb


t went off about his wife
there was a six second pause
then
all agreed
even if they didnt want to
that jb rocked

she does

word up jb


sorry
onenineteeneleven

entitled to miami
or
look at map jackass


he couldnt get over it
and looked out the window
and started swearing

there were little kids around
and a few wives as well
i mean
swearing
like a drunken pirate

whoa big fella
whats the jam up

its fukkiin snowing again
he shrieked
i just finished
cleaning up the last shite
i mean what the fukk
is it just going to
crap on us all winter

big ass pregnant pause

uh
starts me
a bit peeved
yah
it does this all winter
where the hell do you think you are
miami
this is where it snows
jeezumcripes on a pogostick
spouts me

a calm

i pull him aside
so
didnt your real estate agent
explain that shit to you
you know
the snow and winter and shit

he looked at me puzzled
no
he says
no they didnt

whoa
again

people just dont look at maps
or get the whole climate thing
anymore

im entitled to miami weather
i can hear him bitching
wheres the gaddammed miami weather

keeeripes


sorry
onenineteeneleven

mutt

some mutt gets
quote
rescued
unquote
off a frozen late
and it makes the news

wow
says my wife
guess the republicans
cant find anything to
bitch about today

wait a minute
you were apolitical
remember
when we got married
apolitical
you promised


sorry
onenineteeneleven

jay eee tee esse

he was born in ny
he watched superbowl iii
in sixtynine
in his cowboy boots with
his german great grandpa
in astoria queens
broadway joe promised
and he kept his promise
it was huge
it etched itself on his little brain
and hes been waiting
and waiting
and waiting
ever since

well
two years in a row now
the local boys have been
a bit hard on him
oh
the patriots havent done
better than his beloved jets
but that doesnt stop the bs
and it keeps coming

well
sunday rolls around
and
like typical ne fans
the disowning of the team
the bickering about the play calling
the crying about the drops
and the sacks
and the
interception

and the supposed cowboy fans
and the eagle fans
and the giants fans
all jump on the jetswagon
to curse and laugh
at the patsies

i see tom brady
beside himself
at his lack of entitled prowess
his lack of assumed superior team and the
uncharacteristic lack
of coaching
against the ugly step chile jets

cant help to root for them green and whites

blah blah blah
but
they back it up

i reach over and give him a bump
as shone grabs one more

hes got two flat tires
he never saw coming
when he leaves the parking lot
and
i ll give him a ride home
so he doesnt have to call his wife

fukking ne fans
sorest losers of them all


sorry
onesixteeneleven

steel rain
or
another sports reference


ts in the kitchen
yakking on the phone
when i walk in

there is some major
barking
coming out of the earpiece
i mean
a barrage of
ruht ruhtruht ruht

boss
mother
wife

who could be unleashing
such a wall of shite

yeah ive heard it
says t
lemme know what you think
monday morning
and he punches the button
and slides the phone
across the table

man
says me
whod you piss off

he says
rather casually
oh
thats just ds wife
shes a steelers fan
and my jets are
gonna beat them on sunday

pause

she
apparently
doesnt agree

apparently


sorry
onetwentyoneeleven