Friendships are an important part of
life, but many of us find it difficult to
find, make or keep friends. Life events,
such as moving to another
neighbourhood, starting a job or
having a baby, can isolate us from our former support group and make
forging new friendships more
important than ever. In other cases,
shyness or poor social skills can
prevent us from taking the first step in
forming a friendship. This article offers practical suggestions that may help
you to expand your social circle or
reinforce the relationships you already
have. Priming yourself for friendship You may want friendship, but what
kind of friend would you make?
Factors to consider include: Attitudes to others - we can drive potential friends away by demanding
they share our attitudes, beliefs or
behaviours. If you accept that other
people have a right to be different
from you, then you open yourself up
to the possibility of experiencing relationships that bring a fresh
perspective to your life. Treatment of other people - think about how you like to be treated, then
offer the same to the people in your
life. Don't expect instant results - good friends aren't made overnight. Sharing
your deepest secrets in one night
won't necessarily create a close
friendship. It may even drive the other
person away. Take it slowly. Divulge
'safe' secrets first, and allow the relationship to hold some weight
before you share the meatier issues in
your life. Curb the urge to criticise - constantly griping about the failures and
weaknesses of other people can make
your listener feel wary of you. How do
they know you aren't complaining
about their flaws to other friends? Don't gossip - potential friends aren't going to trust you if you constantly
gossip to them about the trials and
tribulations of other people in your
life. Don't compromise yourself - each one of us has standards of morality
and behaviour. Don't allow yourself to
compromise yourself for the sake of
'fitting in' with a group. Places to meet friends Suggestions include: Many people make friends at work.
Open yourself up to the possibilities by
participating in social occasions, such
as Friday night drinks or lunches to
celebrate employee birthdays.
Follow your interests. For example, if you like walking, join a
neighbourhood walking group.
If you don't work and have no
particular hobbies, consider joining a
volunteer group with a charity that
interests you. Use your existing network of family
and friends to meet new people.
Don't turn down party invitations. When making friends is difficult Some people find it difficult to make
friends. Perhaps they are shy, or feel
they lack the social skills to start a
conversation. Suggestions include: Join groups that share your common
interests. Talking about one of your
passions, such as gardening or writing
short stories, for example, can help
give you confidence to talk about
other things with potential new friends.
Watch and learn from gregarious
people who make friends easily.
Practise looking people in the eye
when you talk to them.
Listen to what others are saying, rather than focusing on your own self-
consciousness.
Smile.
Look for anyone else in the room who
seems socially awkward, and
approach them for conversation. When you talk to someone new, ask
them questions about themselves or
what they like to do; it's a good way to
get started.
Social skills can be learned, so seek
professional help if you feel you need it. Keeping friendships Suggestions include: Appreciate your friends - don't take your friends for granted. Take the time
to thank your friends for enhancing
your life, in whichever way suits best -
for example, inviting them over for
dinner for no other reason than to
have fun together. Offer time and attention - friendships need to be nurtured. If
you are consistently too busy to give
time to your friends, they will one day
move on without you. Ensure you
make friendship an important priority.
Actively listen to your friends, and show your interest and enthusiasm in
their lives. Be compassionate - people make mistakes. Sometimes, a friend may do
something of which you don't
approve. Put yourself in their shoes -
would you want condemnation or
forgiveness from those who are
supposed to love and care for you? Don't abuse trust - for example, if a friend tells you a secret, keep it to
yourself. You might think you're
building relationships with others by
sharing gossip, but you're actually
ensuring that others won't trust you
enough to tell you anything. And if your friend finds out you abused their
trust, your relationship with them is as
good as over. Control jealousy - you may want your best friend to be 'faithful' to you,
which means you experience jealousy
if they have other close relationships.
Learn to appreciate that love for
friends - like love for one's children -
can be limitless. Wher