Marble Madness

This is an article for everyone in a longterm relationship, and anyone else for that matter, to read:

Married (happily) with issues.

My grieving progress has now fully reached ”anger”.

This is a shit-long rant on all the little things that has finally triggered the anger, the things that all through the relationship triggered nothing but insecurity and feeling of inferiority. Back then I was too weak to see that I was affected that way, and instead of facing it, confronting it, I took all the blame for everything not going well – conserved it inside me till it was about to eat me away completely.

I guess not many will have interest in reading through this. It’s not really interesting. It’s a rambling, incoherent, repetitive, and exposing in a way that is probably not fair. Not fair because my judgment’s biased through my experience, they’re all my very subjective observations, they’re interpretations that may very well never have been the intention. But I don’t really care. This is my part of the story.


Why is it that I’ve now reached anger? Well, for one – it’s natural progression for grief, I guess, whether it be from loss of someone or a job or a house or divorce or break-up or whatever. Second, third, fourth and n’th reasons are coming somewhere in the following:

I fell so hard for this guy. He knew. I had it bad, that love-bug. I’m surprised the poor fella didn’t have delusions of grandeur from how incredibly in love I was with everything about him.

I’m an ok gal, I guess. Fairly grounded, caring, smart enough, sweet enough, relatively easy to be around etc etc. He really wanted to find that someone with whom he could build a life. He really wanted it. I guess this ok gal came into his life at a point where he wanted it bad enough to give it a try.

I was always so insecure with him. I just couldn’t feel him, you know? That he was truly there. Where he ought to be. If what we were on our way to build, was that lasting thing… The only times I felt he was committed, was when he felt I was about to back out because I couldn’t sense much of that connection from him. Those times he would drown me in what I wanted to hear. Scared shit all his work and time spent would be for nothing. When he knew he’d saved it, the flows dried up and became tiny sprinklers once again.

There were many things that made me feel that way. That insecurity. And as time went by, smaller and smaller things would trigger that feeling of it just being me in that relationship – he was just in a relationship. Like I was just an inflatable girlfriend he could consider when he felt like it, and the rest of the time deflate and leave forgotten.

One example: I confronted him about this list he had, one that many people have; 100 things to do in life. I’ve always had problems being too direct with people, and my approach was something like: “Are you really planning to fulfill that list?” And his answer would be yes, of course – why else make such a list? The thing was – there were things on that list I knew I couldn’t be with him if he were to actually do. He knew that. And to me, that would be confirmation he didn’t see us as a permanent thing. Hysterical, I know. But when enough of these things pile up, you lose faith.

I think he knew. All along. That I wasn’t really who he wanted to spend his life with. But he wanted to be there, so bad, he convinced himself that this was how it was supposed to be.

Is this just me justifying the insecurities I felt? I don’t know..




It took him 9 months from we were official as a couple (accidental pressure from me)till he said that he was in love with me. It took close to two years before he felt remotely interested in moving in together – and we did, under a lot of pressure and ultimatums from my side. (Bad, I know… ) Months after that, he said he loved me for the first time. Of a total of two. In three and a half years.

The six months following these events, I was very happy. I think we actually were content with things. The both of us. He’s a very dutiful man, indeed, and having kept it going this long – I guess he just had to make the best of the rest of it too. But then I turned really difficult. Hormones. Birth control that didn’t do me good. I gave him too much trouble for a guy to bear when he’s not with the one he truly loves and is 100% devoted to, and the rest of the story you already know far too good.

Treat her well, also when she’s not well. What makes the difference between true love and all else.


Now he’s found that new girl. And boy, are things going so very differently! They started dating in April. Took a little longer than with him and I before they went official (they had their reasons – none of which had to do with the two of them, I think we can establish. And either way – our going official was mostly by accident anyway), but from there on, it’s been fast forward. To my knowledge, they’ve moved in together, and he’s already said he’s in love. Has he said the three magic words yet? I guess – ‘cause she’s left the country for months and months on a huge, once-in-a-lifetime trip, and they’ve committed to stick together in spite of the distance in space and over time. Hell, he’s even changed his list of 100 things to do.

Now this time, mr. V, I guess you’ve gotta be a gazillion times more sure of your feelings than back in “our” time. I think you knew back then too, but you just wanted that twosome thing so badly, you kept going slowly and steadily forward in spite of all the warning signs and resistance you met on that road. In your defense, you didn’t know at that point in time what it really means to be in love, what it really means to be sure of your feelings and what it is that you really want. Not just want that feeling.

But still – I am so mad!! How could you do that to someone, for so many years, when you deep inside knew that this wasn't it? I confronted you with what I thought so many times, and you always defied it – when in reality, I will always “know” that I was spot on.

Our break-up, that for the last time lingered almost two months due to your indecision and poor judgment of motivation, is a very good proof of everything I always knew.

You were always so hard to get excited. You never took to any of my ideas. Everything was always to be on your premises. If ever I wanted things to be somewhat more on mine, you just decided you didn’t want a part. Enthusiasm is not something easily seen in you. Not in and for yourself, seldom for others, and I don’t think I ever experienced you being excited about anything on my behalf.

I remember one time, one single time you laughed heartily, so much so you wouldn’t be able to stop if you had to. One time. In over three years. Most of the time, your face was closed. So hard to read.
Always so conditional. Always justifying your being so conditional. I could never feel safe. How could I? Every day was wondering whether or not I would be allowed to still be with you tomorrow. I know I should’ve left – my bad I stayed. It lasted till I was so broken down, your conditions came clear – it was time to once again pack up all my things. Move out. Moving in, moving out, in and out again – without your help. With only your word of permittance. Help and support I needed to find anywhere else than with you. Like always.

Never anything about the future. “I can't see the future”. No, well – no one can. You make a future. But you weren’t ready to. Need I say again why I think that was?

But the shame is still on me – I knew, I know – I still stepped right into it. Closed my eyes and hoped I was wrong. Confronted you once in a while, were convinced for a short while.

Like everything else, ending this was up to you, too. You let me down at my weakest. Twice. So shame on me. Instead of being able to tell me everything would be ok, that you would be there through all the tough stuff – you put further weight onto my burden by making me having to worry about whether my being so far down would shove you away.

So shame on me.

I know you guys are all wired up and giggly about these Holidays coming up, can't wait to make decorations, decorating window-sills and every open space there is with stars and angels and santas, buying presents and wrapping them up, writing all your Christmas cards, and finding joy in planning big meals, big gatherings, picking out your outfit for every occasion...

And I'm really happy for you! Great that you can find joy and happiness in all of it. Some of you do it from feeling guilty if you don't... I'm sorry.

I don't get the tingling feeling of Christmas. I can't. It doesn't work that way with me. I'm feeling fed up with Christmas already, and it's not even December.

So this is me, telling ya'll that I'm signing off Christmas this year. Again.

Sorry about being such a party pooper.

Isn't it ironic...

This is the best community topic I've ever read!

Yeah, yeah, you just go ahead and call me one without any decency and sense of propriety, but I've laughed so much from this thread, I had to share it.