Love and Hurt
Sunday, April 15, 2012 4:57:06 AM
As I write this I want to explain that we all make mistakes. I have made mine. I also have been made a fool of and hurt even deeper. Here is what happened: I got to know Megan A.K.A. Marzena and I kept telling her how beautiful she was. I could not help it. She is beautiful. I know I am married, I am also half a world away from her so she has safety on her side because of the distance. I began to feel something for her. I fought it, I swear to God I fought it and did not want this to happen! I developed feelings for her. Okay, you can me stupid or whatever adjective you wish to say. It was an accident....and I am sorry. Oh, but that is not enough! No!
I kept telling her how beautiful she is, and she kept scolding me for it and telling me I better back off, to which I promised. This was very difficult for me as it was because I know knew how I felt and I was never going to tell her - ever. What good would it do? I am not rich and live on fixed income, yet if I had the money and I wasn't married I go and visit her (or at least that is what my mind thought).
She kept telling me that it was the drugs I was taking (which is an insult to me because I am not taking them as often as I was in the beginning), and implying that I could not reason what I was saying to her. Well...to make a long story shorter, we had blow out and she left my page. I felt so bad and guilty that I started to miss her and cry. My wife was asleep for all of display of stupidness, thank goodness, and I was basketcase.
So I contacted someone who was still on my page that might have access to her and tell her that I was sorry, again. I found her page. It wasn't difficult. The two of them were saying very disparaging things about me and referring to me as a whining puppy. Marzena, who had compared me to her ex husband as a cheater, a liar, etc, was just that. They both acted I was the biggest joke on Opera, and played it up big.
Well, I have taking care of my sick wife and trying to take care of me at the same time. I just wanted a friend I could confide in about things and not be betrayed the way I have been. I was hurt deeply by her and other woman who is her friend. So this is where are now, we have come full circle. Okay, I screwed up, I made a mistake. I accidentally loved someone else and I committed a crime of all crimes. Let's get the rope and hang the bastard, from the highest tree and teach him a lesson!! Yes! Let's do it now while we can make him feel more like shit. Fun......huh? Until it happens to you.
So...that's about where I am. By the way....for anyone who really cares, I have been with my wife for over 15 years, married for 6, and yes, I do love her - the love of my life despite all of our problems. Sometimes she will yell and scream for no reason and just go off on me. She has mental probelms and she will not get help at all. I have tried because I do love her. It breaks my heart to see her like that when she has a meltdown I just know what to do. Marzena said that her ex said that all women had mental problems. I am not her ex. Why is it a crime to have feelings for someone and want to be a friend? Where is the crime in that?
The crime is this: that maybe she (Marzea) actually liked me and would admit it - so she attacks me instead and blames me for her ills. Think about this one little statement and her behavior.
I will not apologize for my feelings toward anyone, they are what they are. How my feelings developed was an accident and not done to get into her pants. I just wanted to reach a small portion of her heart. (Ahhh, that is the crime!! Get the Rope, Get it now!).
I am no angel by any means and have done things young men do when they are young and stupid and foolish. I am older now, but not a fool, just fooled by two women who thought it was funny to hurt someone and make me a joke. I am not a joke to myself or anyone else. Sure I am older - big deal. I know more about life that Marzena does, I know more about the hell you sometimes go through in life to survive. But - I never make someone a joke at there convenience because I can. I am not like that. I have morals dignity, honot and care for my fellow man (or women). I am not, however, the old geeezer without a brain and who can put upon to be the punchline in the joke,
That's where I am at. I may loose some of my Opera freinds for posting this, and I realize this; but I also understand that I am not the only fool.