It's just like it is with the stars--

Some days I just feel so unstable. Like today. I could be so pissy and miserable and yet there is beauty because it feels like Autumn. I guess it's a little bit of sadness at another Summer passing, and happiness about Halloween approaching, and dread about the inevitable Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I'm upset that the mother of someone I work with died today and now we can't go bowling tomorrow. How fucking selfish.

I'm done being angry about work being stupid and ridiculous. I've crossed over to the other side and now I'm just indifferent to everyone. I don't care who my new boss will be or who my fucking team will be. I just gotta do what I gotta do. Fake it until you make it - still doing that.

I haven't had this feeling since Pittsburgh - the knowing that nothing I do is good enough - and I am silly and in the end people probably think I'm just retarded and different. I still don't know who I am and I feel shunned by everything and everyone - there is no place for me to be. Who am I? Is there someone else like me?

It's quite convenient not to be an American Citizen. If the US does something "naughty", I claim I'm Mexican.

But I do cheat. I'm proud of the US from time to time and I'm always glad I'm in US soil (safety, freedom, opportunity, variety, progress).

The US football team went far this year, farther then most may have expected, in the Confederations Cup. A few years ago, I confess, I would have been mad. I'd stab at the US with the accusation that the US just wants to invade everything, even a sport that most Americans don't give a shit about.

But, actually, and with sincerity, I felt that they deserved to be there. They played hard, they ran hard, and they played clean.

Maybe I behaved and felt this way because I was watching the game in an American household. Maybe their hopes and their pain infected me.

The fact is, for the most part all winners look the same and all losers look the same. The same pride, the same lost hopes. The same cheers, the same tears. Although, I must admit some cheer louder, and more boastful, than others. I think the US would have been very boastful had they won.

But back to the issue. I think what has changed is that my boyfriend's family is American, and the more and more they become my family, I become more American in my outlook.

It's a balancing act. I'm not becoming absorbed into their political views. In fact, the most outspoken person there, my boyfriend's dad, is Republican and I'm a Democrat. I do hold some Republican views (very few), but we could not be farther apart in political views. I am not outspoken as he is and it keeps things peaceful.

I sometimes feel that I have no right to say anything about what I like/dislike about the US Government because I'm not a citizen. I can't vote, so it's all words and no action. I choose not to become a US citizen; and the result is that I am also choosing not to have the power to elect officials.

The truth is, I'm Mexican of birth, but not in custom. I can only cook a few Mexican dishes. Of course, being of a nationality is so much more than food. My mom was born in Arizona, which is in the US, but is home to a population that is largely of Mexican descent. She lived in Mexico a very long time, but all the while she was all about being American. Perhaps she introduced the idea that the US is better than Mexico when I was young. My dad, on the other side, traveled a lot for work. He would go places like Holland, England, Germany. I grew up listening to The Beatles.

But, there are other things that separate me from Mexicans. Even some (maybe most) Mexicans who live in the US harbor a certain general dislike for Americans. I was very offended when some Mexican gardeners were making fun of 911, right after it happened. I was furious. Even if you don't like a certain people (which is kind of ignorant, anyway), to feel so cynical about so many people dying is horrible.

But recently, since the H1N1 Virus issue, I have heard many unsettling things coming out of Americans about Mexicans. It's just as bad hearing it come out of the other side.

When Americans see me they see Mexican. When they hear me talk they hear American. They hear an English that is just as good as theirs, if not better, if not for the accent. They think that because I'm educated and speak English that I'm not Mexican. It's messed up.

When I look at the Big Picture, I don't want to be either. I'm disgusted by some American ways - obesity, selfishness, the workaholics. I'm also upset about Mexicans leaving Mexico to seek a "better life" in the US instead of staying and trying to make things better in their homeland (which is a total hypocrisy coming from me, seeing that I'm in the US and have no prospect of ever returning to Mexico myself). But I do hate the Mexican close-mindedness, their general treatment of women, their religious irrationalities, and their intolerance for gays, amongst other things.

I choose, therefore, to be a World Citizen. I know enough about French culture to be a little jealous of them, I read BBC news once in a while (can't trust the US news when it comes to what's going on around the world), I love Dostoevsky and Russian literature; and nearly everything that is Japanese. I like Chinese movies and the sound of Mandarin. I like the mysteries surrounding the Middle East (not the war, but the culture, customs, history), as much as I'm enthralled by the complexities and beauty of India.

So I will go on without choosing to be either Mexican or American, and yet I will continue to be both simultaneously. After all, that is who I am. I choose instead to be true to myself and I choose to never compromise the ideals that I value.


Revolution starts at home, in your heart, in your refusal to compromise your beliefs and your values.
- Bono (U2's lead singer)

Sometimes I just want to jump off a bridge so I can die and stop feeling so weird.

I will never be normal. I will never feel normal.

It comes and goes. Truthfully, I may be PMSing.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am bipolar. Why do I get so elated and manic some days, and sometimes feel this pathetic?

I don't know how much I care what people think. Sometimes I don't; sometimes I really wonder how stupid and insane they must think I am.

Is there a niche for the weird? I know I will never be normal and I don't care about what most people think. The thing is, I'd like to find a niche where it's okay for me to be myself. Where it's okay to be a little weird and a little insane.

I feel old at 27 - but I guess I always was old.

I had a dream where my recently deceased aunt was riding with my boyfriend and me in a car. Will was driving and I was in the front seat. We had just picked her up. I didn't think anything of it at first but then it clicked - my aunt is dead. Even in Dreamland, I knew her to be dead. I was trying to get Will and her to understand that this was a creepy ride - I was trying to rationalize with my aunt the fact that she was dead, without being too blunt or rude.

I asked about how my grandmother was doing - her and my mom's mother - and she said she was looking good. I saw in her face that she knew she had been caught - my grandmother has been dead for many, many years.

Often wishing for deep sleep I wonder
if maybe I am not already sleeping?
Sleep walking, sleep talking,
every person's face is blurred
with the quality of dreams
that maybe dreams are what is real

If so, did I really survive
the war against zombies,
did a man really come from space
to warn us of the approaching meteor,
did the Great Wave really hit and covered
everything but I survived,
did my mother make an example out of me
by chopping off my head?
Did I really make you cry?

Every day feels just the same
faces I forget and names I never learn
I cannot recall entire years-
we went where? with who? and who is that?
and how did we meet?
How do I tell when I'm alive
and when I'm just breathing