Saturday, 3. May 2008, 18:01:58
I am here, home on a Saturday because I recently got laid off from my job. Of course I knew that was coming, I worked at a ski resort and there is no skiing once the snow melts.
So I can't afford to go anywhere, I have to save the gas for interviews and such.
So I'm stuck home, surrounded by my mother's belongings where were brought here from storage on Thursday, they'd been in storage since she died 8 years ago.
That's a long time but having her things here make it feel like yesterday. Obviously I am a procrastinator
On the other hand with every item I touch there are memories so that is pretty special I guess.
My mother didn't like me very much until the last few years of her life, I was not what she had decided I should be so for too many years she decided that made me a bad person.
In the end she liked me very much, apologized for my whole life, wished she could do it over again differently.
She even went so far as to say I was a better person than she, I disagreed but then she said yes, I was, I always had my priorities in order, I cared about what mattered and she was always so worried about how things looked and what the neighbors would think.
But she was not a bad woman, she'd had a very challenging childhood which I think explains her need to fit in and be liked and approved of. We all want approval don't we?
I miss her very much. Her apology to me was a blessing not many people get, it didn't take away my life or childhood but it made a difference to me as an adult.
When she got sick and the sickness progressed to a point where she couldn't be alone I moved from FL to her home in MA to take care of her, she wanted to die at home.
Of course I brought my 4 cats LOL, which turned out to be a good move, she enjoyed them very much and they were very attentive to her. One wouldn't leave her as she got closer to death.
Taking care of her was a challenge, she was bigger than I was and often couldn't walk. But when I first went I thought I was doing something for her. In the end it was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself.
Yes it was hard and I often had to shut down emotionally. There was little sleep and for the last 2 months I rarely slept more than a couple of hours at a time when I could grab it.
I had 2 people that helped me when they could but they had their own lives and families, still I am grateful to them.
Towards the end we had hospice, an aide came every day for 2 hours so I could leave and do grocery shopping, pick up prescriptions or whatever needed to be done.
The nurse came several times a week. I am grateful to hospice too, they made a real difference for me and for her.
The hard part was that finally, after 45+ years my mother was my friend, she liked me (she always loved me), we talked, I was the favorite child and I liked it, I didn't want to give it up, I didn't want to let her go but I had to because I didn't want her to suffer either.
Still, I am grateful for the relationship we developed however short it was. We had been getting closer as we both got older so I feel this was a natural progression. For the last 15 years of her life I was her emotional support and she was learning to like me before she got sick, I can only wonder what kind of relationship we might have developed if she hadn't got terminal cancer but maybe it was the cancer that taught her that it was what mattered that was more important. In the end she no longer cared about what the neighbors thought.
I was there 5 months before she died and another 2 months afterwards emptying her home so it could be sold.
So now I am living this over again through her belongings. I had to leave most of her larger furniture on a loading dock at a thrift shop, that was hard, her whole life it seemed fit on that dock.
She would be glad that instead of selling her things for money I donated them to those who need.
But here I have some of the nicer pieces and everything else, the non-furniture parts of her life. The things she loved to enjoy the beauty of. And I can see her in them and that is good. And I can feel her around me and that is even better.
I guess there are way worse things than being stuck home, at least I have a home, I have enough to eat and I know a job will come before too long.
And I have my mother's things. Some of them will be given away and several things will be sold. I can't keep it all although I wish I could. She'd have said "get rid of it all Minette, you have enough junk of your own", I can hear her and I smile. But I won't get rid of it all, I will keep some of it just as I keep my memories. Because in the end isn't that what we have? Memories and belongings to remind us of what we no longer have.
I am very blessed.
