A DREAM AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS
Saturday, 17. January 2009, 17:55:37
I dreamt about J and G last night. J was beautiful, had had some work done or something, and looked like a model.
I was talking with someone at a party and she came and sat down next to us.
I dropped to my knees and said, “look, I’m on my knees begging for forgiveness” and I was crying. It was stupid because I don’t need to be forgiven for anything, she does.
She is the one who carried on an affair and left her husband for her lover….which is hers to wear and to be honest I felt bad for the husband but I never thought any of that was my problem.
She is the one who then made false charges of abuse against her husband only to not show up at the court hearing later on (at least the charges were dropped). Now that did bother me a whole lot.
She is the one who read my email to her husband…despicable.
And then I saw G, I think twice but once so I noticed.
He met my eyes and then looked away and so I did too.
Now perhaps I do have something to ask G to forgive me for but I don’t really see it that way.
I gave him my opinion, I wasn’t ugly about it, I just stated the truth the way I saw it.
I told him that for someone who had spent the past year accusing others and holding them responsible for their bad behavior regardless of how insignificant it was or how much it was none of his business he was a hypocrite for his own.
And his bad behavior wasn’t insignificant.
He hurt a lot of people.
I told him I had no problem with him leaving his woman because he had a right to be happy.
I told him that I understand that sometimes we hurt people, we don’t want to but that’s the way it is. What I didn’t understand was the heaping of all that insult onto the injuries, that’s what I didn’t understand, that’s what I couldn’t accept gracefully.
Every word was the truth. G has one set of standards for everyone else which are very, very high.
Then he has a set of standards for himself, which are very, very low.
He also has an unfortunate ability to justify his own behavior to himself no matter how nasty it was.
I had spent the last few years listening to him on the phone for hours at a time while he ran down everyone I loved.
I got tired of listening. So when he said that he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore I agreed with enthusiasm.
I will always love him, I will admit openly that he is one of the best guitarists I’ve ever heard play, I acknowledge his huge talent and feel sadness at how he wasted it for drugs.
I don’t want to be friends with him anymore either.
So I don’t really feel I need his forgiveness.
I feel he owes me an apology, he borrowed a lot of money and I’ll never see it again but he justifies that too just like he justified giving A’s guitar to M to settle a drug debt.
Mk had to replace the guitar to get it back. And the police decided it was a civil matter, how so? It was receiving stolen property is what it was.
He has backstabbed, stolen, screwed, lied about and used everyone that was good to him. No, I don’t feel I owe him an apology at all. All I did was tell him honestly the way I felt about his behavior.
That’s why the dream was so strange and I’m thinking about it and blogging on it at all.
G was rude and out of line with almost everyone. Holding them accountable for things that weren’t really that bad especially not compared to the things he has done to others over the years.
G stuck his nose in where it didn’t belong and was ugly to people in other people’s name.
Then got all uppity about anyone paying attention to his bad behavior.
I pray for G every day, I pray for his ravaged body and his ravaged, hate-filled heart and soul.
I pray for the way he blames everyone including his parents and especially now that he’s 55, for his failures in life.
I know his failures are due to his own bad decisions, his lack of control over his temper, his avoidance of truth, his addictions and the fact that he’s bi polar and refused ever to get treatment for it because that would be admitting that he is not perfect.
He did terrible things to people including threatening them and when they’d take exception to that he’d call the police and conveniently forget to tell the first part of the story.
He is the one that started the story that J’s husband had physically abused her.
Which is ridiculous, anyone who knows her husband knows he isn’t that type and anyone who knows J knows with certainty that she is nobody’s victim, ever.
I suppose I need to pray for J too, she never leaves a man unless she’s got another one already and has tried him out for a while besides.
And she buys and pays for most of them too, which is sad.
Maybe if she didn’t have a drug addiction…and I can’t help but wonder if G had gotten past his own addiction before starting chemo.
He has, it’s rumored, stopped chemo. I don’t blame him and I respect that decision.
He is stage four cancer…what is the point of suffering through chemo to shrink the tumor, then suffering through surgery and losing his teeth, tongue and ability to speak and then, finally, going through radiation treatment.
For what I ask, to live a little longer?
I might have made the same decision myself; just enjoy whatever I can, with the ability to speak (and sing) until my time comes.
He never should have waited so long to have it treated either. I’ve had too many people tell me they understand that.
Sorry, I don’t and I don’t understand their understanding either.
It’s cowardice pure and simple.
Cowardice isn’t worth dying young for, not under any circumstance.
I tell them that too because I know they’d do the exact same thing.
One of them has, she went to the hospital about 9 years ago for something and the doctor saw a growth on her back and told her she really needed to get to a dermatologist as soon as possible.
She didn’t, she’s a coward and “I don’t like doctors”.
She’s also a drug addict….and ok I guess that’s her decision to make but then once she made it she had no business crying to me about it whenever she got drunk either.
She has two children and I can’t help but feel that she owes them better than that both in her decisions for her own life and also the example she’s set to them.
Ok, she’s spent their entire lives setting a poor example for them and they reflect it all the time.
Instead of dealing with their problems she excuses them and takes all the blame onto herself.
Meanwhile they are falling deeper and deeper into the abyss.
She provides no guidance, no support and doesn’t even live with her 16 year old and hasn’t for the last 2 years.
He has no limits set, no discipline (in his entire life he’s never been disciplined), no rules, no education…no nothing but a life of partying with people older than he is, staying up all night and sleeping late into the day.
He thinks he’s “cool” and to be honest so does she. Her aim I life seems to be being seen as “cool” especially by her children’s peers.
He has no future to look forward to, he stopped going to school when he was 15 with her blessing.
But if people ask her about it she lies and says he is being home schooled, he isn’t.
Why lie? When you lie it’s because you know you’re doing something wrong, right?
In her quest to be “cool” she has done drugs with her kid’s peers often turning them onto something they’d never done.
So few seem to notice that all the kids she’s taken in and under her wing ended up drug addicts. I don’t get why so few adults notice that.
She is charming or can be and on the flip side she can be nastily vindictive. People always believe her because she has this gift, I’m not sure how to explain it, her father called it the family curse and warned her that she had it and also warned her to be very careful not to abuse it.
Abuse it? She’s ridden her life out on it always getting people to pay her way and support her. She has a reputation for honesty but if you know her very well you know that she isn’t an honest person at all, especially with herself.
But she is generous, warm-hearted and can be very giving also.
I love her, I don’t like what she does but I like her.
But I still wonder why others don’t see it. I also wonder why, in a state where our governor passed a stupid law not allowing kids to quit school until they’re 18 nobody is doing anything about her younger son and the fact that he is not in school or any other program to educate him.
The fact is despite any laws and anything they say, they don’t really care.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like kids to quit school but there are always going to be kids who won’t graduate. To make it a law that they have to stay in school until they’re 18 is inane, all it is doing is adding to the already horrendous cost of education.
And money isn’t the answer to education either. The Catholic schools have proven that time and again.
But most states are like mine, they just keep throwing money at the school system pretending to try to fix it when any thinking person knows that they have no intentions of fixing it.
It suits them to have an ignorant populace. Numerous studies have proven that the less educated one is the less civically aware they are also. Sure, they vote but those votes are easily one with bullshit propaganda and bribes.
Being so ignorant as well as apathetic and self concerned our population easily believes the lip service paid to education by our politicians.
WIDGETIZE