Friday, 1. August 2008, 19:30:51
I never had children but this is what I would feel if I did.
Hey little soldier won’t you put that gun away
Can’t you find another game that’s just as fun to play
I’m hoping that when you grow up we’ll finally have it right
I’m hoping that when you grow up there won’t be wars to fight
The world is full of wonder there’s so much for you to see
So much beauty so much love and so much misery
Our lives are what we make of them the power lies within
The choices that you make decide if you lose or win
CHORUS
I will try to teach you good and bad and right from wrong
When to show your gentle side and when you need be strong
But the most important lesson, I want you to learn
You must be open to being loved and give love in return
I’m hoping for a better world for you, my child, to face
I never want your life to shatter nor your heart to break
I hope to teach you strength enough to meet all life’s demands
I hope to show you, always try to do the best you can
Every day’s another chance to start your life again
Learn from all the things you’ve done, the places that you’ve been
Mistakes are just another way of learning right from wrong
They say what doesn’t kill you, only makes you strong
Hey little soldier I must put my fears aside
And just enjoy your childhood without wasting precious time
Climb on my lap and wrap your arms real tight around my neck
You’re still my little soldier boy you haven’t grown up yet
CHORUS (?)
Saturday, 26. July 2008, 16:31:02
I had lunch yesterday with Bob & Carol, I used to be married to Bob and still love him very much even if that love has changed places.
Carol is a gem and I am so grateful that he married her (on my birthday) and moved her to ME from FL because now I get to see her more often. I don't go back to FL, I've only been once in 8 years. I'd like to but economics prevent it.
Many people raise their eyebrows when they find I'm good friends with Bob & Carol. I feel blessed to have the relationship we do.
Just because our marriage didn't work doesn't make either Bob or I bad people. Who knows each other any better than people who were together for a decade? Shouldn't ex's be the basis for good and close friendships? I don't understand dislike and hate.
And just who do we hate when we direct that emotion at an ex? I believe it's ourselves we hate and not that other person at all. Or perhaps it is hate that our dream didn't last, that we screwed up or that we wonder if we are capable of making such a relationship work. Regardless of what we hate, it shouldn't be the one we fell in love with.
For me, hate is too much energy. Love is so much easier and more comfortable. I don't want to hate anyone least of all someone I cared enough about to marry even if the marriage didn't last forever.
And perhaps the failed relationships we have are to prepare us for the rest of our lives in some way? I believe that some good comes from every relationship no matter how wonderful or horrible it was. We still take gifts from those times or lessons or both.
Ok, if a partner is abusive and hurtful as a way of life then perhaps one wouldn't want to remain friends afterwards, I know there are extreme situations but I'm talking about the average here.
So I see no reason to hate or dislike Bob because our marriage didn't work, it took two, neither one of us did it by ourselves. It would be a total cop out for me to decide that Bob is a bad person because MY marriage didn't last forever, wouldn't that let me off the hook? Not valid though so I'm not playing that game.
Instead, I'm going to enjoy and appreciate the love we three share, I encourage and support their marriage because I know they are good for each other.
Carol befriended me in FL where I knew very few people. She was a blessing God sent to me to help me live in a place that wasn't mine. I was in FL for 9 years and homesick for New England the entire time.
There were things I came to love and enjoy of course, but I never felt that I was where I should be as far as my enviornment went.
So I came home and then only got to talk with Carol on the phone or computer, never saw her again except for pictures until Bob and she married and she moved north.
Bob is a wonderful man, Carol is a wonderful woman and I am very blessed to have them in my life.
Wednesday, 9. July 2008, 03:50:21
This is my mother, Elizabeth Moore. 12/29/1918-9/20/2000
FULL UP
I’m not just walkin’ I’m a’runnin’ really fast
And I’m not gonna settle, no, for coming in last
If you can’t keep up then just get outta my way
Cuz I’m full up to burstin’ with life today
Flowers full blooming and the sun is ridin’ high
I gotta be damn sure it doesn’t go and pass me by
Someone’s pickin’ real sweet on some guitar strings
Some birds come flyin’ down and they begin to sing
Chorus
Oh oh my can all this fantasy be real
Oh oh my the way it makes my senses reel
Oh sweet lord I feel like I done learned to fly
And I ain’t comin’ down oh no
Til it’s past my time to die
I ain’t got me no time for any mopin’ and cryin’
And I got no patience with any cheatin’ and lyin’
I guess I’m just too lazy for those games that people play
And I’m just full to burstin’ with life today
Chorus?
Yes I’m just full to burstin’ and I like the way it feels
And I know that I ain’t sleeping and the happiness is real
Cuz I made my mind up and I knew that I could fly
And I ain’t comin’ down oh no
Til it’s past my time to die
Wednesday, 2. July 2008, 02:33:30
I wrote this when I was really sick, I have COPD and every couple of years I get really bad, for like 3-5 months. I lose my breath, I lose my voice...even my speaking voice. I can't do anything, have no energy. Anyway, last time I was sick like that was the winter of 2006-2007 and one night, feeling really bad for myself (but sucking on a cigarette anyway) I wrote this. I tend to write in rhyme, Terry prefers it and also a strong cadence. If I don't write that way I call it a poem LOL.
Death Of The Music
So far away from where I used to be
I don’t know where everyone’s gone
The faces here are so strange to me
I don’t know the words to the song
Whose instrument is the one I hold
With satiny wood and sweetness of tone
But the notes I play they sound so cold
I know this can not be my own
CHORUS:
My stomach rolls my head it pounds
I can not please this screaming crowd
This isn’t how I want to sound
My hands go still my head is bowed
Echoes of notes I easily played
Before I got lost in the void
Float in my mind and then start to fade
Leaving my soul deaf and destroyed
CHORUS:
THEN TO ENDING:
Remember the sounds that soared from my fingertips
Lyrics I sang out so strong
Stories of mem’ries and songs about feelings
Oh God that can not all be gone
I’ll promise you anything give me my music back
Please make me the bearer of songs
I need to make melodies float in the atmosphere
Without music my life feels so wrong
Monday, 30. June 2008, 23:32:15
You tell me all the time just what to do
You treat me like I’m nothing but a fool
I never say a thing worth listening to
I think it’s time I tried out something new
You think you’ve got me underneath your thumb
You think you’ll snap your fingers and I’ll come
When you want something I’m supposed to run
But I’ve got news for you my friend I’m done
Chorus
And you can kiss my butt as it’s heading out the door
Because I’ve learned to walk and I won’t be here no more
Yes there’s a new life waiting for me to jump on board
Hear my heart cuz it’s singing, hallelujah, thank you Lord
I can’t believe I let you make me cry
I thought that if you left me I might die
Now I’m seein’ thru a different pair of eyes
I’m waving cuz I’m telling you good bye
(extra verse if needed)
I’m gonna fly when I leave here this I know
And I’ll decide which way I want to go
Cuz I’m sure sick of listening to you
I think it’s time I tried out something new
(alternate Chorus or ending)
Well now my heart’s on fire cuz I know there’s so much more
And I know you’re gonna cry when I leave you all alone
You should have treated me better when you had my love before
Now you can kiss my butt because I won’t be yours no more.
Sunday, 29. June 2008, 21:54:13
I
wrote the lyrics to this song and Terry Moore wrote the music. He made it a ballad and it is beautiful. I wanted to change the words in two lines because I thought the original ones were awkward but Terry said "NO, it's PERFECT just the way it is" LOL. Of course it isn't, but thanks to Terry it's beautiful!
MY SOMETHINGS ALL COVERED IN BLUE
I’m not dumb and I’ve been around
I’ve been on top and I’ve been down
I’ve been loved and I’ve been taken
My spirit’s been broke and my heart’s been aching
Chorus:
Y’know today I feel like I’m so nobody
And I know that can’t be true
They say there’s something in everybody
But my something’s all covered in blue
I’m not young and I know the score
I know that love often leaves you sore
But I though I’d learned to spot that type
I thought I knew lies, the bullshit, the hype
I wonder now if I’ll ever learn
I wonder when I’ll get my turn
To find a love that will be all mine
The kind that’ll last for the rest of my time
Chorus: But today I feel…….
But I’ve given up on expectations
They only bring me down
Hopes and dreams lie in the dust
Heart and soul turn brown
Chorus: And today I feel….
Saturday, 3. May 2008, 18:01:58
I am here, home on a Saturday because I recently got laid off from my job. Of course I knew that was coming, I worked at a ski resort and there is no skiing once the snow melts.
So I can't afford to go anywhere, I have to save the gas for interviews and such.
So I'm stuck home, surrounded by my mother's belongings where were brought here from storage on Thursday, they'd been in storage since she died 8 years ago.
That's a long time but having her things here make it feel like yesterday. Obviously I am a procrastinator 
On the other hand with every item I touch there are memories so that is pretty special I guess.
My mother didn't like me very much until the last few years of her life, I was not what she had decided I should be so for too many years she decided that made me a bad person.
In the end she liked me very much, apologized for my whole life, wished she could do it over again differently.
She even went so far as to say I was a better person than she, I disagreed but then she said yes, I was, I always had my priorities in order, I cared about what mattered and she was always so worried about how things looked and what the neighbors would think.
But she was not a bad woman, she'd had a very challenging childhood which I think explains her need to fit in and be liked and approved of. We all want approval don't we?
I miss her very much. Her apology to me was a blessing not many people get, it didn't take away my life or childhood but it made a difference to me as an adult.
When she got sick and the sickness progressed to a point where she couldn't be alone I moved from FL to her home in MA to take care of her, she wanted to die at home.
Of course I brought my 4 cats LOL, which turned out to be a good move, she enjoyed them very much and they were very attentive to her. One wouldn't leave her as she got closer to death.
Taking care of her was a challenge, she was bigger than I was and often couldn't walk. But when I first went I thought I was doing something for her. In the end it was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself.
Yes it was hard and I often had to shut down emotionally. There was little sleep and for the last 2 months I rarely slept more than a couple of hours at a time when I could grab it.
I had 2 people that helped me when they could but they had their own lives and families, still I am grateful to them.
Towards the end we had hospice, an aide came every day for 2 hours so I could leave and do grocery shopping, pick up prescriptions or whatever needed to be done.
The nurse came several times a week. I am grateful to hospice too, they made a real difference for me and for her.
The hard part was that finally, after 45+ years my mother was my friend, she liked me (she always loved me), we talked, I was the favorite child and I liked it, I didn't want to give it up, I didn't want to let her go but I had to because I didn't want her to suffer either.
Still, I am grateful for the relationship we developed however short it was. We had been getting closer as we both got older so I feel this was a natural progression. For the last 15 years of her life I was her emotional support and she was learning to like me before she got sick, I can only wonder what kind of relationship we might have developed if she hadn't got terminal cancer but maybe it was the cancer that taught her that it was what mattered that was more important. In the end she no longer cared about what the neighbors thought.
I was there 5 months before she died and another 2 months afterwards emptying her home so it could be sold.
So now I am living this over again through her belongings. I had to leave most of her larger furniture on a loading dock at a thrift shop, that was hard, her whole life it seemed fit on that dock.
She would be glad that instead of selling her things for money I donated them to those who need.
But here I have some of the nicer pieces and everything else, the non-furniture parts of her life. The things she loved to enjoy the beauty of. And I can see her in them and that is good. And I can feel her around me and that is even better.
I guess there are way worse things than being stuck home, at least I have a home, I have enough to eat and I know a job will come before too long.
And I have my mother's things. Some of them will be given away and several things will be sold. I can't keep it all although I wish I could. She'd have said "get rid of it all Minette, you have enough junk of your own", I can hear her and I smile. But I won't get rid of it all, I will keep some of it just as I keep my memories. Because in the end isn't that what we have? Memories and belongings to remind us of what we no longer have.
I am very blessed.
Tuesday, 29. April 2008, 22:14:29
I joined the Spring photo network and have posted an album with spring pictures. I hope you enjoy it.
WIDGETIZE