shut your eyes

I haven't been writing lately because I did not feel that away. I always doing something else like watching Scrubs, listening to music or just doing sport.

But lately some things are on my mind. I know most of the people I know even my closest friends do not know that this blog exists. It is good how it is - I don't mind if people read what I write.

Back to the topic: I've got the feeling that I push away a lot of things that bother me in my life. I do that to protect me but sometimes it annoys me that I am so afraid. I might be running away from it but I don't know what else to do. It seems to me the best reason to solve that problem.

I've got a brother who's in prison, a hard working mother who tries to take care of me and my sister. I can't show emotions to my family - I could cry in front of a stranger and feel good about it. I want to act strong when something bothers me but I don't. I write, I think and sometimes I loose some tears. But nevertheless do I think that I make a very strong appeareance.

When it comes to my family I am selfish, respectless and unthankful. I should not be but I am because that's the way it is. There have been things in my past that can not be undone and I hate some people for what they've done. I hate my stepfather and I hate my father who I have not met yet. I have to deal with so many things I don't like and yet do I have to be kind to them. It's not that I say out loud what I think about them but I am afraid that maybe sometime this whole bubble will pop.

That's it. I'll put myself together and do what ever it takes to distract me from things that bother me. I've always done that and I'll go on with that.