Tilting the Void

So, I bored the hell out of Greg last night by insisting on watching the SciFi channel's premiere Tin Man, a mash-up of you-know-what.

Two things: I should've known better, and I've seen too many movies. I'd like to say I've read too many books, but that's never the case.

In an attempt (I think) at being clever and post-modern, the directors included every possible pop-culture reference they could; there's the requisite and perhaps even inevitable Star Wars and Lord of the Rings pastiche. An example: the gorgeous (if vapid) gold-corseted Witch strangles her erstwhile commander to death (without touching him, of course--there seems to be some sort of Frighteners spirit-stealing vampirism going on), then turns to the second-in-command, a'la Darth Vader, and says, "You've been promoted". The Munchkins are now tiny wild Pygmies in what look like grade-school Thanksgiving Day turkey costumes leaping about in treehouses (Ewoks, anyone?). Dorothy is now "D.G." (Dorothy Gale), an emo kid; the Scarecrow (played by the usually entertaining Alan Cumming) is a creature called "Glitch" with a zipper in his head (kinda cool, that), and the Tin Man (Neal McDonough) is a hard-nosed ex-lawman with a chip on his shoulder and a need for vengeance straight out of some spaghetti western. The Lion is some kind of mentat/precog whining thing utterly lacking in any kind of character or appeal whatsoever; the little bit of stilted dialog he's given is painful to hear, and only included because he was there in the original story ("Bad things happen here! Bad things! We go now!" That kind of nonsense).

Now, don't get me wrong--at first, I was undeniably interested. The trailers had promise. It looked and sounded good--probably because the art director stole from appeared to be influenced by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (City of Lost Children, Delicatessen), David Lynch (Dune), and Peter Jackson (duh), along with a good dose of Cirque du Soleil. The writers and directors were reaching for the right notes; unfortunately, they fell flat. The witch/evil queen character, though obviously beautiful, reminded me more of a roller-derby champion or wrestling vamp, while Dorothy was emo but still somehow emotionless and dull. Ms. Dechanel is lovely and all that, but about as riveting to watch as a mold growth.

And the flying monkeys. Oh please let me tell you about the flying monkeys. Dare I say it? Why yes, I shall, though be warned; there be spoilers below:

In one climactic scene at the end of the first installment, the Witch rips open her bodice, displaying a magnificent cleavage (but nothing R-rated). Her decolletage is decorated with (wait for it)....flying monkey tattoos, which, on her command, shoot forth and materialize into a flock of shrieking, web-winged crosses between fruit-bats and zombies.

Greg and I howled.

It's tough to take a loved old childhood story, dust it off and put newish sparkles on it. The MGM musical was sugary and bright; the novel was considerably darker, as I recall (I think I last read it when I was in third grade, so it's been awhile). A few years back, The SciFi Channel took Frank Herbert's Dune and did interesting things with it, though they haven't had much luck lately. Tin Man had potential, I felt, but somehow fell apart trying to cobble together too many fantasy elements at once, underscored with a self-deprecation that came off more as a lack of self-respect.


From the original book, illustrated by the redoubtable W. W. Denslow. Nary a bat-wing in sight (nor cleavage, neither).