The Cure for Pain

So I was having my husband show me how to pay all of the bills online for when he is gone again, and I noticed how high our credit card bill was. So today, I went back on our bank's website to look at the credit card transactions, and I saw that while he was in Fallon on a training mission, he spent an extra 700 dollars that he did not tell me about!!! I knew that he bought a 600 dollar gun and I also knew that he lost about 80 gambling at casinos. Well obviously he lost more than what he told me. A couple of the transactions were money withdrawals from an ATM. One was 400 and another was 200 from casinos. So I am not sure exactly what he did with all of that money. I am hoping that he just gambled it away. I would rather it be that then him getting a hotel room and cheating on me or something! I don't know what he did. The other 100 was taken from our checking account. He didn't tell me about any of this! There goes the trust that he had built up after he cheated on me before we got married. Fuck. Why does he do things like that? Why does he keep it from me? Did he think I wouldn't find out? I almost felt like I was snooping, but that is our money and he didn't tell me about it. I understand that he would be afraid to tell me, but I would rather him admit it after he did it instead of me finding out about it 2 weeks later! We are trying to pay off our car loan so that when he gets back from being deployed, we can buy him a truck. But now we are going to be set back by a lot! I'm giving him some room and am not getting mad about 100 of it because he did tell me that he lost 80... So altogether on that trip in 3 weeks, he spent 1,400 dollars on himself. Holy shit that is a lot of money that he charged on our credit card. But now I don't know what he did with it all. Did he really gamble away 700 dollars or were they spent on other things? Did he lose it all that night that his cell phone just happened to die? Has he lied to me about more things? My mind is going crazy. I hate this. Why did this have to happen? Things were going so well!!! Then he has to go and do that. This is totally not my fault. This is all him. He acted like a bachelor when he was out with his friends and ignored all of his responsibilities back home. We need to buy a new couch, we need to buy a new vacuum, and we also need to fix the truck that he already has, but now we really won't have the money to do that because we have to pay back 700 dollars. And now our trust is all screwed up. Why did he have to do this? He is going back to fallon, too. For a whole month. I can't trust him to make wise decisions while he is away from me! What is going to happen when he is out overseas? He's going to waste so much money! I'm super stressed out now. I don't know what to do with myself until he gets home from work. I have 3 more hours of sitting here stressing out. Fuck.

Mother Fucker. I cut. It has been so long. I'm such a fucking screw up. I wish god would take me off this planet. I do more bad than good. All what I do is disappoint people. I'm afraid my husband is going to give up on me. I'm a huge failure. All what I want is to die. But I love my husband so I'm not going to do anything. I just need him home to hold me. I cut a lot too. I'm so ugly now. I don't want to go back to how I used to be.

I haven't been too lonely, lately. My friend keeps coming to stay the night, but tonight she won't be here. I do enjoy my alone time. It has almost been a week since he has been gone, so only two more weeks to go! Tomorrow, I get to go to Santa Barbara with my friend and we are going to go visit some old high school friends together. My ex-boyfriend is going to be there as well. This isn't a concern, though, since it has been about 5 years since I have really talked to him. He was one of those harmless boyfriends that didn't make a huge impact on me. I told my husband and he is fine with that. However, last night I had a dream about my ex. I dreamed that I was dating someone else, and then I came back in contact with him, and we started making and and cuddling, and then I told him I was going to dump my other boyfriend so that we could be together again. Haha. Weird. And the way he looked was how he looked when we were dating. So of course, 5 years later, he looks very different. Sometimes, I have very strange dreams. I won't tell my hubby that dream...that would just be odd. I do not still have feelings for my ex...we were barely together for a month. I'm just really looking forward to this trip because I know it is going to be sooo much fun. It is going to be so amazing to get out of the Central Valley and go somewhere beautiful. I will also be completely distracted from the fact that I am without my husband.

Yesterday, I found out that for sure they will be deployed around July 3rd, but instead of being gone for 10 months, it will only be 9 months. It's heartbreaking. I cannot imagine 3 quarters of the year without my husband. My whole life will be flipped upside down. I will be moving back in with my parents. Hopefully I will be going back to school and maybe get a job. I definitely will miss my independence. I have gotten used to living on my own. It's going to feel so funny to be back with my parents. They used to give me such a hard time. I hope that they will treat me like an adult now, and respect my privacy and give me my space. If not, I will be moving out of their house and I know that that would ruin our good relationship that we finally have. After I go to Santa Barbara, I will be staying at my parents house for 3 nights. That will be a bit of a test run to see how they treat me. I really hope it is different. I am such a better person now. I am so different from what I was a year ago, and especially two years ago. I hope that they can see that and treat me like an adult for once.

Today, I need to be less lazy and actually achieve something for once. I am starting up my laundry, I also really, really want to dye my hair. I am getting so bored with my current hair. My hubby doesn't like it when I dye my hair auburn, but I love it. He just likes my hair light brown, but since I don't like it, he will settle for dark brown. I am just so bored with it right now. Cleaning house and doing laundry. I don't want to leave my house sitting alone for a week looking like a complete mess. This house feel so empty without my husband.

Sooo...my husband turns into a fucking asshole when he drinks. He did some pretty fucked up shit the other night and said some pretty awful things and I left. I drove an hour to family to get away from him. Then I told his sister because he never listens to me but he will listen to family and now he just got really super pissed off at me. He said he feels both positive and negative about our marriage. Thanks. Wonderful. How the fuck did this all get turned around to me being a horrible person? He is the one that started all of this. Yet somehow he turns it around and now I am the one who has fucked up. I hate this. I really do. I don't know what to do to make all of this better. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up on everything.

Sooo...I have read up to page 3...maybe 5 at the most...and I have cried. This is funny since this is all about me. But I had forgotten how depressed I was. If I think that I am sad now, I am So wrong!!! I am no longer an alcoholic, for one. I no longer cut, for two. And for three, I am sooo less crazy! What has happened? Is it growing older? Is it getting married? Meeting someone that makes me feel like there is a nice future out there for me? I am not sure. All I know is that I am so much better than what I used to be! I am still the same me...just not as sad. At all. Now, I am a normal person sad. Not a depressed suicidal sad. It is insane how much happier I have gotten. It makes me cry thinking about how I never though that I would get this happy. I seriously though that it was something I would never feel again. I never thought that I could honestly be happy. Why was I so sad? Why were things so screwed up for me?

I honestly have had shitty things happen to me since then. Even shittier things than what I did describe. Horrible things. Heartbreaking things. Things that landed me in the hospital...again. That was only a little over a year ago. So that depression did last til about the end of 2008. So...pretty much...in a year, I have become such a different person. I don't know how it happened. I really don't. I'm happy for it. I really am. It is amazing, People take me much more seriously now. Just what makes me cry, is when I look back on my life. I forget how depressed I was. It's so weird. It seems like a different life to me. I guess I have started a new life.