The Cure for Pain

I am so broke. I have no money at all and I have tons of doctor appointments this week and I really just want to get drunk right now. Really bad. I want to get wasted. Either that or cut. Fuck me. I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to cope with all the shitty things that are going on? I never learned the right skills to help me through life. All what I want to do is drink and cut and cry and I just want to feel better inside but I do not know how to achieve that. Why can't I just be happy? Why do I now know how to do that? This is horrible. I hate this. I want money so I can go drink. What is worse...drinking or cutting? Adding another scar to my body or getting so drunk I just cry? Why do I have to feel so damn alone? Why do I not have the strength to get out of this fucking house? I am trying to keep myself from having a panic attack. I am just trying to breath but my whole face feels like it is on fire. I have so many emotions bottled up inside and I don't know what to do with them all when I just get too overwhelmed. I just want to drink. I wish that I had money because I would go buy some right now. I keep trying to manipulate my mother into giving me money for tampons and I would really go buy alcohol. Fuck me. I need money.

I cannot sleep. Well I did sleep already. Only 3 hours. And now I am not sleepy but I have a fucking headache. I took Vicodin hoping it would take away the pain and make me sleepy, but it has done neither. Great! What sucks is that if my dad were to come in and see me on the computer, he would get angry. So ridiculous! I am 21...I can stay up however late I want! I was just starting to get bored of just laying there listening to music hoping that soon I would drift off into a lovely slumber...but no. Not happening.

Have you ever hated someone so much that even the way they ate disgusted you? That is how I feel about my father. Everything about him is bothering me. Especially the fact that he is expecting my mother to be the only one that changes. There are a lot of things about himself that needs some improvement. My poor mother.

I am so tired of my family being so protective and judgmental. Isn't there a way that one can show they care without being so protective? I should be able to do what I want and not have to worry about them. Like this whole Vegas trip thing...I know I could never tell them. They do not trust my judgment in guys so I definitely could not tell them who I am going with. I can only tell a few people. The way I see it is that whoever sticks around after everything I have told them and even experiencing a little drama themselves, they are a keeper.

The way I go about starting new relationships is that I am pretty much saying' "Hello, I am bi-polar. Go ahead and leave". I am just so used to people not sticking around throughout all of the drama. I know that I am a bit of a handful. Shamus, the sailor, told me that he won't have to start fights to keep things interesting because I am interesting enough as it is. haha : )

Well, I am going to lay in bed longer so that I won't get yelled at. My dad should be getting up soon. Farewell

So 2 Fridays ago I went to a bar with a friend that I used to work with. I had a cape cod (vodka and cranberry juice) and then we went to the bar and both order 2 shots of vodka with Red Bull. She went to the restroom. Then she came back and thought that her drink was too strong, so then I took her drink and she took mine. I finished it, went to the restroom, and when I came back there was another one waiting for me. I had a few sips from that, then was talking with the guy that was sitting next to her. Next thing I know, I wake up in my own bed. I don't remember what happened. I do not remember ANYTHING. My parents told me that a girl found me passed out outside of the bar, and she got me to tell her to call someone. She called my parents and then they came to pick me up. I guess that I called my friend Cody, and he went there to get me, but the girl that found me wouldn't let me leave with some guy that shows up. Cody told me that my friend came back and got into a fight with the girl that was helping me. In that fight, she got her lip busted open and I think too my phone and then left. She was trying to get me to go with her, but I wouldn't go. I got a new phone and I had 7 voice mails from her. I haven't talked to her since then. My parents brought me back to my house and I was freaking out and crying and my brother and his wife were helping to calm me down. They all thought I drank too much. I think someone put something in my friends drink. Not a friend anymore, though. So now I am back on my medication. Everyone is worried about me. They think that I am an alcoholic. Ugh. So that was the beginning of all of this drama.

Thursday my dad bought me a new camera because my old one was stolen at a party. He is bribing be to behave. So that now I cannot go out and I cannot drink anymore until next year. Fine with me. If his finances go alright, he said that he would buy me a new ipod as well.

Friday, my brother sends me a text message asking if dad moved out. I thought that that was an odd question, so I called him to figure out why he would ask that. My brother proceeded to tell me that my dad's computer is gone along with everything else on his desk. Some tools were missing and his clothes are gone as well. I try calling my dad, but he isn't answering so I leave a voicemail. Then I get a call from my brother saying that my mom just called him and is hysterical. My dad left a note for her saying that he wants some alone time to think about his life. He will be out of touch for 30 days. He took that day off of work as well. In the letter he is pinning all of this on my mother. My mother keeps saying that she will not be able to last 30 days without my dad. We are keeping an eye on her. I keep going in her room to make sure that she isn't doing anything stupid, but then she gets mad at me and wants me to leave her alone. So, for the rest of that evening, I do not bother her. She went to the bank to see if he took out any money, then she came home to go take a shower. When she got out, she called to me from her bedroom to call my brother and tell him to come over here. So I call my brother and tell him to come over. Then my mom keeps asking if I called him. Hurry up and call him. I am getting weirded out that she keeps telling me to do that. I already called him. She then tells me that she took asprin and is feeling dizzy. So I call my brother and tell him that. I start freaking out and keep trying to get my mom to sit down instead of walking around. Then I get a call on the house phone and it is the police. They told me that they got a call saying someone took medicine. They want to talk to my mom and I give her the phone and she hangs up on them. She is getting angry at me for calling them and keeps asking when is my brother going to get there. I get a call back from them and I am freaking out on the phone and they try to calm me down and then a cop car shows up and my mom is getting mad at me for calling them and then I freak out and yell at her and say that I didn't call them and I run outside crying. The police thought that it was me that they were called there for. Hah. But they go into my mom and my brother shows up as well and is trying to get in the house but they weren't going to let him in. They finally do and I go out in the front yard and just start crying and sit down in the cold, wet grass. The ambulance shows up and they bring in a stretcher and the police got the paperwork to 5150 her. I finally walked back tot eh house to see them wheel her away.

Now, she is still in the hospital and they are watching over her. We are all waiting for the call to say that we can take her home. She keeps calling here and all she asks is if we have heard from my dad yet. My dad won't call us or his mother or anyone. My mom wanted me to go to church today to see if he was there. Of course, he wasn't. I told his friends there what he did and they are going to try and get in contact with him.

I am so angry with my father. He has just fucked up the relationship that he had with me. Idiot. I am going to his work on Monday and I am going to talk to him. I don't care if I make a scene, I need to talk to him.

I am stuck at home all by myself, except when my cousin is here, watching after all of our pets and keeping the house looking nice. I do a lot of chores to keep my mind off of things. I feel very numb to all that is going on. I know it will all catch up to me sooner or later. I cannot wait for all of this to be over with.

I just had 2/3rds of a bottles of jager. the 270mls one. Hah. Too much...especially since I have work in less than an hour.

I drove home tonight. I am too drunk to drive. Even when I drink, I can still see my spelling and grammer mistakes...for the most part. I drove home drunk...which is dumb. i give up on typing. night.