Noah Counte

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• Astound your friends with bar tricks. Or, if you're not too cheap (or not that talented), you could just buy them some drinks.


• You think you've got it bad? Ancient Egyptians really knew how to suffer. Or Akhenaten was an early populist. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess.


• Hero throws himself on a grenade to save his mates. Read it - it's amazing!


• Cell phones are more dangerous than cigarettes. Honest! And it's not just because everyone wants to kick your ass when you make your private conversations very public. Don't worry about it, though. it's just brain cancer.


• Short people are now able to get a two inch cranial implant. Apparently lifts in your shoes are passé


• Darwin Award Nominees:
  
  • Kayaking thieves need swimming lessons. Probably paddling lessons, too. Maybe some thievery lessons.
  
  
  • It's a gun. If it had meant to be used as a club, they would have called it a club.


• Need an answer? Ask a Canadian. They are more trustworthy than the rest of us, eh?


• Cool story about a blind archer who split an arrow with another arrow. Nice shot, but... Yeah, there's always a big but! Who decided that it was a good idea to put a weapon that fires projectiles in the hands of a blind person?

  “The second arrow made such a noise going into the back of the first that I thought I had hit the ceiling.

  I'm all for equality of access and what not. She thought she bounced the arrow off the ceiling - should she really be firing lethal weapons?.


• Moving on up, 'cause I sleep with the boss... Airport security in capable hands, as is, apparently, the airport's managing director. She can't take credit for this astounding bit of security work, though: evacuate the airport! Nothing says "bomb scare" like some old grafitti.


• Flying:
  
  • It just got a lot quicker to check with some airlines with cell phone check-in. Dowload your boarding pass to your phone, and the image is scanned, just like a paper copy.
  
  
  • Save money on flights, even though fares are way up.
    


• Save money eating out by joining restaurant e-clubs.


• Minnesota hospital deals with mistakes a little differently than most: They say "sorry". If they could teach doctors a some bedside manners...


• Time for Hillary to step aside and let Obama run for President? Some New Yorkers have a consolation prize for her. With no clear path to the nomination for either candidate, why would she drop out? It boggles my mind that people are actually worried that the democrat nominee might actually have to be chosen at the convention. I mean, why the heck do we have conventions, if not to pick a candidate. That's why they we invented! I understand that it's just a big coronation party these days, but really! Let's have a convention that people give a rat's ass about!


• If your doomsday theory posits a date certain for the end of the world, find a cave and see if you can wait it out. On the other hand, if after a suitable amount of time in said cave you finally take a peek and the world is still here, maybe it's time to find a new hobby?


• Japanese women need some lovin'. I volunteer my services, in the name of harmonious marital relations and international relations. I'm giving like that.


• Old and busted: Goth and Emo. New Hottness: Scene. This is great news for parents of girls - all that cheap jewlry you bought your three year old daughter is back in style now that she's 14 or 15. Everything old is new again. Are bell bottoms out or in (trick question - bellbottoms are never in, as they are just plain stupid, unless you have a functional issue with pants that actually fit)?


• Billboard stirs emotions: "All Religions Are Fairy Tales."

  When you condemn all religions and say they are a fairytale, that is wrong

  Yeah! You can condemn the others, but leave mine alone!


• The New York Times is making all of Al Jaffee's Mad Magazine Fold-Ins available with an interactive tool. Use your mouse to close and open them. Very cool, for people of a certain age. Roughly my age.


• College Life:
  
  • Drunken students blame their univiersities for their idocy. Heaven forbid personal responsibility should be one of the lessons of college life.
  
  
  • Anti-plaguarism definition plaguarized. Sweet irony!


• Windows Search 4.0 has nifty new features that let you see thumnails of search results before you open them.


• I know you've got nothing else going tonight, so once you're done here, spend a while with this list: 101 Most useful Websites. It's a good list.

• Patients like me gives you a place to find out about procedures and care, and to share your experience. Dealing with the medical community doesn't need to be scary, as long as you have some information to draw on. This site lets you interact with people who have been in your situation, and lets you share your experiences with others.


• I know you do-it-yourselfers will love this paper lampshade. The directions aren't exactly lengthy, but they should work if you practice once or twice. Let me know how it works!


• Google Code University can teach you to be a programmer. Well, if you study a little...


• Nudists are always fun. And today, they're news! Yea!
  • Nudists in Canada are suing paypal. Paypal stopped accepting payments for their naturist magazine on the grounds that it was pornography. I'm guessing some poeple at Paypal don't know what pornography is. Call it a hunch.
  • Canadian nudist twofer! Some naked Canucks now have the right to swim in the buff at their local wave pool. Meanwhile, in the U.S. we're get bent out of shape about breast feeding. GOSH!
• If you have Office 2003, and people send you Word docs from Office 2007, you can download the converter, or you can open Word 2007 files in IE. You can't edit them, but you can read them.


• If free software turns you on, you should check Give Away of the Day. Daily. Every day, someone is giving away software that you normally have to pay for - and these folks make it available to you. It's a crap shoot - you never know what you're goona get (chances are it won't be a box of chocolates), but it's sometimes something you could use or that you want.


• Rootbeer - gateway to substance abuse:
  • Utah State students know how to live. They get together for drinking games like beer pong. ROOT beer pong. Kids today! Too wild for their own darned good. I wonder if anyone has thought about teaching them to play Quarters?
  • With all other crime under control, Green Bay police bust a root-beer kegger. There will be commendations for this!
• Improve your health with a tattoo. A vaccination tattoo. it's more effective than getting a shot into the muscle!


• If you chicks want to be happy, you should hot hook up with one of us plain guys. Really! We're antidepressants! Don't worry though - it's not all sunshine when you marry an ugly guy. Six of one, a half-dozen of the other...


• Elliot Spitzer may have created problems for himself, but the New Governor has some skeletons in his closet, too: New York Vice. Not to be outdone, New Jersey has a judge who is an idiot. I mean that in the nicest way possible!


• California middle school kids are becoming black market entrepreneurs. Seems school bans on candy sales, and the subsequent removal of candy machines, has created a vacuum. Into the breach, lads! Young businessmen and women are selling Twinkies between classes - and in some cases during class - to fill the preprocessed, refined sugar void left by the moratorium on candy. Watch your knee caps!


• A five year old boy saved his grandmother from choking, which makes him a hero. In related news, you can choke on jello.


• Ever wonder what you might see if you strapped a camera to an elephant, and sent him into the jungle? Satisfy your curiosity by viewing images from Trunk Cam. Cool stuff.


• The Barbie Bandits have been sentenced. The man they twisted around their little fingers, and forced to do their bidding, received the most time behind bars. Hehe.

  I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am. -- Duke (RepoMan, 1984)



• I don't want to suggest women are lazy, but men still earn more. I'm kidding! About the laziness, I mean. The wage disparity still exists, and it still sucks.


• You're a flight attendent who likes to Youtube... And now you have your very own Delta safety video. Man, being a hot redhead is its own reward, eh?


• Fort Meyer's FL kids got something extra in the pile of freebies tossed from parade floats this Easter. Parents are grumpy, and organizers promise to do a better job vetting the participants next year.


• Perfection gets in the way. Learn how to figure out when good enough is good enough.


• Here is a list of ways that you can conserve water at home.


• If you want to share files with someone, but your emails don't support large files, you can use Filedropper to share files for free (up to five MB). Just upload, and send the URL to people you want to have access.


• If you use rechargeable batteries, this story may interest you. Not every battery (or charger) is created equal. To quote Pogo, Forewarned is four armed (and four armed is half an octopus!).


• Clear the crap left by your installation of Vista SP1. If you installed the upgrade, your harddrive is cluttered with the detritus of unused bits and bytes. This tool takes care of the mess.


• A cluttered inbox interferes with productivity. Here's some good advice on how to clear your inbox. Note to self: spend a couple of afternoons following this good advice!


• If you want a more manly physique, maybe these tips on how to build muscle fast. You can buff up if you are a female, too - even if you don't want a manly physique.

• The University of New South Wales' School of Fibre Science & Technology has a handy chart to assist you in deciding how best to attack that ugly stain on your favorite shirt/skirt/underwear.
  
  
• Eliot Spitzer, ex-New York Attorney General, and current New York Governor has been champion of the people. He's sued big business on our behalf, and won. We love Eliot! It appears he's also been screwing high priced call girls. Maybe. Keeping an eye on this one.
  
  
• Some of you drink more coffee than I thought humanly possible. Learn to defend your habit. And as long as it's so important to you, you might as well roast your own beans - with kitchen gadgets you can buy at a garage sale for $0.50.
  
  
• Chuck Norris is the only WMD in Iraq. Took us six years to figure that out. On a side note, it's Chuck Norris's birthday today! Happy 68^th, Chuck!
  
  
• What's the funniest thing you can do with Noah Webster's stoney finger? I mention this only because it involves a Noah. And condoms.
  
  
• Spend too much time reading online? Here are some tips to teach yourself to speed read on the Web.
  
  
• If you've rescued a greyhound, and you take her to a football game, you have to expect the crowdnoise to revive memories of her glorious past, don't you?
  
  
• Virginia wants to lead the way: french-kissing kids no longer acceptable.
  
  
• Those of you with new record players may appreciate that vinyl's making a comeback (albums, not fetishwear)!
  
  
• If you use online wish lists, you can keep an eye on the prices of the objects of your desire with Savvy Circle. Not that I do. Or would. I'm just saying...
  
  
• Cool pic of earth at night. A word to the wise: the link takes you to an image that lets you click on it. If you do, you get a random picture. My random picture was of a very well-built young woman in a very small swim suit. If you are at work, you might consider self-restraint.
  
  
• Weren't Legos fun? Now adults have a toy, too: Bloxes.
  
  
• Blurt things out that you wish you could take back? Carry a sandwich.
  
  
• You're staging an abortion protest: do you go to a clinic that provides them? No, you go to Horton Hears a Who. Man, are you an idiot.
  
  
• Ladies, when marrying, you have two options: don't hyphenate your name, or pick someone a name that doesn't make you sound like an idiot, pervert or ho. Or you could go with OPtion 3. Click the arrow - there are thirteen of those gems.
  
  
• Public Service Announcement: If you hired a hooker and she took your money and left you *ahem* unsatisfied, you can't sue for your money back, except in parts of Nevada.
  

• The world speed knitting championships are being held in Minneapolis this year, and the Scottish defending champion is refining her skills in preparation. here's a pic of the champion with her game face on (and a story about the hallowed tradition).
  
  
• The rise in the price of postage stamps is keeping pace with the rise in the cost of gasoline. On the other hand, it's inversely proportional to the cost of housing. Going up! Again.
  
  
• You don't have to wait for the county fair to have your own deep fried candy bar. Feel free to substitute at will. Tell your cholesterol I said "your're welcome."
  
  
• Karen's badger (NSFW or kids) makes this spinning weiner seem appropriate today.
  
  
• New Hampshire OKs hemp farming. Feds on the lookout for farmers with the munchies.
  
  
• Leona Helmsley is poised to make a lot more people happy in death than she did in life. Her estate donated a bundle to a charitable trust.
  
  
• Your sponge has more crap on it than does your toilet. Learn to clean your sponge.
  
  
• This Mizzunk is the shizzle, yo!
  

• Dolly Parton named her breasts. She's 62 years old, and now it's news?
  
  
• I've known a dominatrix or two, and the lawyer in me always asks if they aren't worried about legal action for physical harm inflicted to clients. They've always answered "no, the clients would be too embarrassed to press charges." That's one hell of an insurance policy, and the mindset speaks volumes about what I think is the trouble with intense B&D/S&M: the people who engage in it are not always (OK, in my experience, not often) in a position to make reasoned judgments about what they are doing or why they are doing it. That causing permanent damage to another human would be treated cavalierly solely because that human couldn't sue you is abhorent. Man suffers brain damage at New York sex club.
  
  
• On the day before Pancake Day, Fargo officially takes the (pan)cake.
  
  
• Dear Asian Gentleman, you could have saved yourself much heartache and strife by recylcling your used goods at Noah's Solid Waste Reclamation Facility, instead of illegally dumping it. Yours, The Management.
  
  
• New Zealand is giving American hilljacks a run for their money. "Honey, Jerry Springer's on the phone!" Can't we all just get along?
  
  
• There aren't enough people falling for West African email scams, so they've changed tactics. All your cash are belong to us!"