PREFACE: After writing off and on for fifty years, one mouthy child suggested I was secretary to Moses. Okay, but while the learning process continues, I believe to have a grip on a few things in the writing craft. Recently an up and coming writer asked me to look at something they penned. I submit this response as a way to comment on several things observed over the course of several years when being asked for help. As any good (or otherwise) attorney will hedge, the comments solely reflect my own learning and tastes. Another writer, or two, or three dozen will approach this with a slightly different bend. Here, then, are the first two, opening paragraphs of this writer’s work.
Sal Fermeni stood looking around his office. Feeling edgy, he couldn’t concentrate. He walked around the desk to the couch. He ran his hand over the butter soft leather, stopping to stare at himself in the ornate mirror. Dark eyes, thick black hair. Yeah, he was good-looking. Everybody said so. His personal trainer kept him lean and well-defined. His personal shopper kept him knee deep in Brioni and Ferragamos. Owning the trendiest nightclub in Brooklyn had made him rich. Women fell all over him. At twenty-nine he had it all. So why the hell was he bored out of his mind?
The impressive office space seemed to be shrinking. The need to escape was over-whelming. He had to get out of there. Long strides took him across the tightly woven carpet and out into the hall. After locking the door and pocketing the keys, he headed toward the VIP Lounge. He tried to concentrate on the Hollywood director and the 30 people he was bringing into the club tonight. That, and all the ways he would entice them to relinquish their unlimited amounts of cash. Running the club and making sure everything went smoothly was what he did. It was his life, but lately, it wasn’t enough. The boredom had been a gradual thing, and now it bordered on restless agitation.YOU COULD GO A COUPLE WAYS HERE, BUT LET’S TRY TO PUT A BIT MORE EDGE INTO THE OPENING BY REARRANGING A FEW THINGS.
Sal Fermeni was edgy, concentration impossible. The walls of the lavish office seemed to be closing in as something inside his chest built toward exploding. Leaping up from the huge, mahogany desk, he had to get out. He had to escape.
Movement seemed to have a brief, calming effect as long strides carried him across the tightly-woven carpet and around the couch. Running a hand over the butter-soft leather seemed soothing, too, so that he took a moment to stare in the silver and gold-trimmed, full-length mirror near the door. At twenty-nine, Sal had it all, dark, sultry eyes, glistening, thick black hair, combed in neat furrows, a lean, well-defined body in a Brioni and Ferragamos that fit like a driver’s glove. Owning the trendiest nightclub in Brooklyn, he was rich. Those were more than enough reasons for women to throw themselves at him, like parade candy, yet he was bored out of his mind.
The boredom had been a gradual thing, building to restless agitation. ……..etc.
COMMENT: In the opening paragraph, the hook, I don’t suggest putting in a lot of personal details or description unless they have a direct bearing on the action. Make the opening quick and compelling enough to grab the reader’s attention. Once written, ask, “Does this want me to find out what the problem is?”
THE HOOK IS 9/10ths OF WRITING: Of course that's an exaggeration, but how else can I impress its importance?
When my wife visits a book store, I do two things to keep out of trouble. One is to watch other shoppers, and the other is to evaluate books being peddled as best sellers. In the first instance, what I see are people 1) looking at the cover, 2) looking at the back material, 3) opening to the inside flap and/or going to the first chapter. If I see them turn the first page to read on, I want to see what might have caused them to stick with the book. Sometimes it’s just a “well-known” author who takes his or her sweet time setting things up leaving me to wonder how they ever got published. Sometimes, it’s that first or at least the first two paragraphs that carry them into an engaging story like a tidal wave or Japanese bullet train.
Established authors have liberties new authors aren’t allowed. That’s why it is vital to work darn hard at perfecting the craft, and that only makes a better author. Eventually, someone will notice and they can move on in life.
I’ve added some detail to flesh out a couple descriptions. Use whatever you have in mind, but I gave the reader a quick idea of his surroundings because it has a direct bearing on who and what Sal is. The same goes for the description of the eyes and hair to set up this character’s personality. Also, look at ways to smooth out the sentences. Be careful about over-using the pronoune, "he". Use active words to propel the reader and action forward.
I started serious writing when I was sixteen, landing a journalism job at eighteen. Next to the typewriter was a thesaurus. It was the bible that expanded my vocabulary. Now, I use OpenOffice to write which has a micro that allows me to highlight a word and go directly to
http:thesaurus.com or its brother
dictionary.com. I often use a word that, upon re-reading, just doesn’t quite fit. With other word processors (I’m using Word right now) I have the Internet open on another window directed to that source. The first time I used “opulent” in pp 1 to describe the office, but it just didn’t feel right, so checked “Mr. T” and settled on lavish. There are lots of flavors to choose from if that doesn't tickle your fancy.
From what I've seen of the first two chapters, I like the direction this plot is going. I say that with some reservations, wanting to see more. (Ah-h, you've captured my interest).
Waiting for more,
Your freind,
Sean
My Opera
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