I'll think of a good title later

A couple of weeks ago my department boss moved on to a new job. We were understaffed with three of us, but now we are down to two things are a nightmare. We are helped out two days a week by a consultant, but with so little time the amount he can do to help is very limited. So far a lot of the solutions that he has come up with is for me to work more hours.

I am now the only programmer in the company. So every little request seems to come through me & everyone seems to want me to work on everything at once. A common request is for some custom report or graph (we already produce a monthly document which is an inch thick full of reports, but these reports have a nasty habit of not saying what people want them to say). It always makes me cringe how people ask for a report by stating the conclusion they want it to show, but I have learnt not to waste my time trying to explain the correct use of statistics. A lot of the time people's instincts are correct but sometimes I get to enjoy handing over reports that massively conflict with someone's beliefs. It is a very rare occasion when I produce a report exactly as it is asked for.

It has been noted that my usual calm demeanour at work has been slipping on occasion. Soon after my boss had left we were having a problem with one of our systems that I just couldn't crack, even my old boss who wrote the system couldn't shed any light on the problem. Our consultant spent all morning looking at it & couldn't come up with anything either. Then at lunchtime he left saying he had to go meet another client & wished me luck. Great.

After working late I came home. I was feeling really angry & like the everyday for the past few days my head was buzzing with work. Instead of turning on my computer to read some news & blogs as I usually do I started a practise session instead. I practised various circus skills for a couple of hours. It was like the scene in Footloose where Kevin Bacon starts to dance in the abandoned factory. Ever since I started juggling there has been something about it that calms me down. I particularly remember doing a handstand & all the tension seemed to just pour out of me. Since then I have been juggling a lot, usually I'd spend an hour or two reading on the internet, now though the only reason my computer gets turned on is to set iTunes going. Since upping the amount of time I spend on my favourite hobby & cutting down the amount of time I spend staring at a flickering screen I have been feeling noticeably better in myself, more relaxed, fitter & more alert.

Right now I can't think why I slip out of the habit of practising.

I don't think it is just me either, everyone at TWJC seems to be doing more juggling. Previously there used to be a lot of standing about chatting, now though everyone is definitely using the hall time much more & saving the chatting for the pub afterwards. I remember a time when it would be approaching 9.30 when they chuck us out of the hall & I'd just want to go home or to the pub. This week when I was walking from the hall to the bar I remember thinking, "I wish I had another hour or so so I could work on that a bit more..."

Myself & 2 friends took a trip up to London yesterday to see Cirque Du Soleil's Dralion at the Royal Albert Hall.

I don't visit London that often, I've always thought of it as a really daunting place.

While walking to the theatre though I saw a beautifully lit open air art exhibition. It seemed strange but so pleasing to see something so peaceful out in the open hustle of the big city. I really wish we weren't so pressed for time, it just looked a really nice thing to do.

I've probably only visited my capital a dozen times, 3 such visits were to see various Cirque Du Soleil shows.

I was really looking forward to seeing this show specifically for a single juggler named Viktor Kee. What makes him so special is not what he juggles (he does do some highly technical stuff but nothing world beating), but how he moves while doing it. Viktor is a really big man, the amount of power he puts into moving his frame so fast & so fluidly is amazing. His whole body twists & turns in wild serpentine swoops. No other juggler I have ever seen puts so much energy into creating their presence on stage.

He was a real delight to watch.

See it if you get the chance.

My favourite set of novels are the Dune Chronicles by Frank Herbert (because I can't pick a single favourite).

In the first book Paul Atreides is tested by Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam of the Bene Gesserit sisterhood - a mysterious & powerful group often refered 'witches' by members of the galaxy's other powers. Paul is a very important person, & the Bene Gesserit need to be sure that he is human.

Paul is asked to put his hand in a strange box. As soon as he does as he is told, the Reverend Mother places a gom jabbar - a poisonous needle on the back of his neck, if he pulls away he will be killed.

"What's in the box?"

"Pain."

He felt increased tingling in his hand, pressed his lips tightly together. How could this be a test? he wondered. The tingling became an itch.

The old woman said, "You've heard of animals chewing off a leg to escape a trap? There's an animal kind of trick. A human would remain in the trap, endure the pain, feigning death that he might kill the trapper and remove a threat to his kind."

The itch became the faintest burning. "Why are you doing this?" he demanded.

"To determine if you are human. Be silent."

(I've just realised this is going to be a very long entry - sorry (oh & the excerpt from Dune will be relevant))

Recently my world kind of collapsed in on itself. So much so that I didn't believe anything in the world was true. I have been spending most of my time doing nothing. I spend so much time doing nothing. I remember when I first noticed what I was doing. I found myself drifting back to consciousness, I was sitting in my chair perfectly motionless just staring into space. It felt like I was paralysed. I just couldn't move. It took a real concerted effort to force myself to get up & do something. Afterwards I tried to piece together what I had done that evening, I worked out that I had been sitting in a trance for somewhere between 3 & 4 & a half hours. Since then I've caught myself doing it a lot, & by a lot I mean all the time. It takes all of my willpower to break out. I keep playing tetris or pacman & other simple games, anything that isn't a challenge but just distracts the mind, for really long periods of time. It's like I've got it into my head that there has to be a reason to do something, & I can't start something until I know what that reason is, but I can't think of anything. Then I try to think of one & end up in a trance again.

Today though has been very different.

I am a juggler. When I first started juggling when I was 14 I used to practise extremely hard. I would practise every hard trick I knew for 20 repititions without a drop or a fumble every single day. If something wasn't right, I started the trick again. After I had finished my repititions I would work on new tricks - the next day I would invariably have more tricks meaning more repititions than the day before. Before I gave it up the repititions would take me usually around 2 hours, I would sometimes juggle on for another 4 hours after that if I had the time. I gradually phased myself out of this practise routine after I stopped performing because it was very time consuming & simply too much work to keep up during my studies at college. Looking at myself now at age 24, it seems strange that this 16 year old kid was so dedicated & focussed. I was unbreakable. I was stronger then than I am now.

Today I willed myself to juggle the way I used to, no mistakes, achieve my goals. I almost didn't start but I actually swore at myself after thinking of an excuse not to begin a practise session.

I mostly do three ball tricks, things were going pretty well especially considering how little I had practised over the past few weeks. I can't believe how physially out of shape I am, I had to take 2 breaks. Anyway one of the hard tricks that I practised today was continuous behind the back catches. I juggle three balls, every throw is made from in front of the body, goes over the head & is caught in the opposite hand behind my back blind. To make the catches you stare straight up & watch how the balls peak & fall then judge where they will land. Another point to note here is that the balls I was practising with were pretty old & tatty beanbags, one of which had a hole in it. One other thing, I only count right hand catches so to complete a trick I have to actually do 40 catches.

I was happily throwing away, good stance, clean consistant throws, 3 right hand catches in... then a seed fell out of one of my balls & landed square in my right eye. It immediately started to sting & water, but I kept going. I just relaxed my shoulders & concentrated on the trick - the pain was secondary. I could feel the seed as if it was scratching my eye, I didn't dare blink it would surely blur my vision & make me drop. I endured the pain for the remaining 17 catches & finished cleanly. First time.

Pain is real. Today I feel human again.