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Food on the Hoof

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This is the latest installment from the English Epicureans occasional deranged ramble about good food, out and about.

Good food should not be the preserve of the high priced, swanky restaurant, the up market chic bijou eatery that has both a Maître d' and a sommelier and where the menu has more adjectives than nouns. When you think about, a menu should be a list of the foods on it, not a one hundred word soliloquy of Mediterranean sunsets, but then again at the opposite end of the scale, it should not have pictures of the food the chef [or cook?] would like to prepare, if only had been to Chef school or knew what the phrase 'health and safety' meant.

No, good food should be taken anywhere, taken in small bites or great swathes of grazing, from paper wrappings or from the finest china. However, this occasional piece concentrates on the food that is eaten out of hand, when you just need that quick bite, when time is more important sometimes than dining etiquette*. The is when you need to consume some food on the hoof. That food is usually the traditional or key dishes from the area, dishes using local ingredients, cooked using a little je ne se qua, with a little unknown spice, flavoured oil or with something almost entirely unknown on the side. It may be a plate of black olives with some fresh crusty bread and a little oil, or a slab of local cheese, deep friend and garnished with basil, but whatever the local specialty, they should all have one thing in common, they should all be good food.

So where is next hop on this culinary review of the greatest food on the hoof ? The home of the waltz, the Vienesse whirl and countless cakes and pastries and some of the most amazing Baroque architecture.

Vienna or Wien in the native tongue, is perhaps a clue to one of the best known culinary exports; the wiener, wurst or, as our colonial cousins across the water call them, hotdogs. In Vienna, six inch long tubes of smoked meats and spices are called Frankfurters. Oddly enough in Frankfurt, they are called Wieners. Mutual appreciation indeed.

So lets get to it. Food on the hoof.

Vienna is a beautiful city. Really. It is still laid out in the old meadiaeval plan of three concentric circles, radiating out from the centre by the river that splits the old city on one side from the new, more modern city on the other. it has so many wonderful little cafés, coffee shops, pubs and restaurants. The Vienesse menu is truly wonderful. There are veal Schnitzels, which, taken literally from the German, mean 'slice'. There are wursts, or sausages, to make the mouth water and which fill the air with a wonderful grilled essence that simply has to be taken into be be truly appreciated. And then there are cakes, but we will come to those later.

But this is a eulogy about food that is eaten out of the hand, taken while mobile; food on the hoof. So what is the Vienesse culinary status for food that is taken vertically? Well, pretty good it has to be said. The Austrians, like the Germanic cousins to the north love to eat food out doors.

There are many semi permanent 'markets' where food is taken, enormous wursts in a bun, boiled or grilled onions on a paper plate, mashed potato with beef fat, in German this is called 'schpeck', all washed down with lashings of wiessbier or locally made red or white 'gluwien', made from apples. All amazing stuff.



Part of what makes this such a wonderful dining experience is the atmosphere. Lots of people int he same place with one thing in mind, eating good, hot food, in the cold outdoors, sharing an A frame bench with others there for the same reason, squeezing between large, round Teutonic men with a beer in one hand a meal in the other. The other thing that makes this such a great way to eat is the smell. The smell can only be experienced to be really appreciated. grilled wurst smoke wafting around the place, different types of sausages, the onions, grilled fish or shrimp and the frying of doughnuts.

Another delicacy that the Austrians, and indeed the dear Vienesse, are the pretzels. Pretzels are a Germany delicacy rather than Austrian but they are consumed in the streets of Vienna in vasts quantities. They are not the small, hard snacks that are produced in industrial quantities, but are large, baked fresh pretzels. They are around ten inches across and are often baked in the shop that is selling them. They are for sale in shops, in cafés, railway stations, in fact, just about anywhere that there may be somebody with a grumbling stomach, there are fresh pretzels and gluwien for sale. And again, they are delicious.

So what of the cakes ? Vienna is the home to some amazing cakes, the most famous of these being the Sacher Torte, or Sachertorte, from the Sacher Hotel. It was invented by Franz Sacher in 1832 and has been in demand pretty much ever since. And why not. Look at the ingredients : pure chocolate, butter, eggs, sugar, flour, almonds and apricot jam, all topped off with a cooked chocolate icing. It is , frankly, amazing.

But there are so many more you can try in Vienna : Vanillekipferl (sweet vanilla-hazlenut biscuits); Topfenstrudel (a cream cheese strudel); Palatschinke (a Viennese crêpe, from the Hungarian palacsinta); Powidl ;Buchteln (yeast and butter bakery filled with apricot jam)and of course, my absolute all time favourite, the Apfelstrudel, which is a heavy apple pastry, with cinnamon, dried fruit and dried fruit skins and of course, marzipan, very much like the German Stollen.


And the Vienesse food on the hoof rating;

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D out of ten.


* Even when eating food on the hoof, there is still a dining etiquette. Napkins are still napkins, not serviettes, the cutlery maybe plastic, but a knife is still not a fork, and you always, without exception, always avoid anything with the prefix Mc.

Oh and the Danish pastry is said to originate from Vienna and in Denmark is called wienerbrød (Viennese bread).

Food on the Hoof...........

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GRIMSBY (n.)
A lump of something gristly and foul tasting concealed in a mouthful of stew or pie. Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons. Grimsbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed in a guests food to see if he knows the correct Masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the obnoxious object. It may be

(a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes,
(b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a),
(c) choked on fatally.

The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason incidentally, for by it a used Grimsby is passed from hand to hand. The secret Masonic method for dealing with a Grimsby is as follows : remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the Grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'*

It is with this in mind that I have decided to write an occasional piece on the subject of food. More importantly, food on the hoof. The bite to eat you grab when you are in a rush, need something quick and easy, but crucially, are not at home, or in your own city or in some cases, not even in your own country.

Food on the hoof can be one of those things that will make or break a weekend, will be the cherry on the bakewell of a well earned holiday, or sometimes, if you are unlucky, will be the Grimsby in your stew.

Over the last few years I have done a little bit of travelling and have visited and stayed in some really interesting places. So, I have decided to compare the 'food on the hoof' experience of one place to another. These are just my thoughts, it must be said, and food is, after all, a very personal experience. You either enjoy it or you don’t. It satisfies your quells for good food, or is simply a method by which you can consume some carbs'. But how to measure ? Well, there a re a variety of things to consider. Food availability, good food availability [sometimes two totally different things], different types of food, any vegetarian food [after all, not everyone eats meat] and of course price. Price is something that is of course relative, so as a yard stick, UK prices will be seen as average, and all else will based against this.
So where to start ? Well, I though it only fair to start with the UK, my home country. The UK has a population of around 60 million, most of whom live in the major towns and cities, such as London, Leeds, Birmingham, Manchester etc. and it is fair to say that the food on the hoof rating varies wildly from town to town and city to city. The city I know best is Leeds, population circa 1 million people.

Leeds is an odd place to eat out and I think epitomises the UK when looking for food. Of course there are the usual suspects [and I do mean suspects] when it comes to eating out; Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut et al, and of course all the 'me too' eateries. But lets not include these as they have as much in common with good food as Capone had with good bookkeeping.

So what to eat in Leeds ? Well, there the chain of bakeries that straddle the north of England, such as Thurstons (now Greggs) and Ainsleys. Pies, pasties, sausage rolls, puddings, cakes and the occasional bag of crisps. Oh and sandwiches of course.

So what of sandwiches, the stalwart of the British snack. Well, Marks and Spencer sell more sandwiches each day than there are exotic dancers in Amsterdam. And not to be outdone, Prêt A Manger has joined the scene in the last couple of years with even more exciting sandwiches. Oh yes. And not forgetting all of the local and privately owned sandwich shops looking to cash in on the Earls most famous creation. Admittedly, he only added the top slice, but it was a masterly stroke.

Such is the British fascination with sandwiches, that almost anything that can be eaten will be wedged between two slices of bread and eaten out of hand. Aromatic Duck, Tuna and Cucumber (THE British sandwich ?), Wensleydale and Carrot Chutney, Egg and Cress, Avocado and Mozzarella, the list is truly endless.

But what if you fancy something more wholesome than a sandwich, something to get your teeth into? Well, now it starts to get a bit thin. There is lots of Indian, Thai and Chinese eateries, and slices of pizza but these are mostly 'take out food' eaten either out of tin foil containers (mmmmmmmmmmm delicious, no really!), greasy cardboard boxes and occasionally, a bag. To be fair, Indian, Thai, Chinese and Italian, to name a few are prolific everywhere in the UK, but mainly in restaurants and café's, but not really food on the hoof.

But there is one meal that is really world class that simply can not be bettered anywhere in the world. Fish and Chips. Cod, Haddock, Sea Bass, Hake, Plaice, a whole range of different fish, cooked in the lightest of batters, sometimes a beer batter made with English dark ale, with wonderful thick chips, NOT to be confused with fries and certainly not American style 'chips' that come in a plastic bag and are barbeque flavoured.

Fish and Chips with salt and vinegar. Eaten out of yesterdays newspaper. With mushy peas. Truly a Yorkshire delicacy that has taken the world by storm. I know Lancashire and London both claim to have invented fish and chips, and the truth is, no one really knows, but throughout the 19th C. most of the fish consumed in the uk came in through Grimsby and Immingham docks, in the Riding of East Yorkshire.

Ok, I may be eulogising a little here, but a well cooked fish and chips is frankly food fit for anyone, except of course the vegetarian. Raleigh brought the potato to Europe and the English promptly cut it into thick slices and fried it. It is not clear who invented the fire lighter.

So, a quick précis of English food on the hoof. Sandwiches excellent, which is why eat so many of them, pies and pasties are, to be honest mainly a northern dish, except of course for the very good Cornish pasty, a meal in pastry you can hold. And fish and chips. In all honesty, who can say that, stood at St Mary's Church, looking down to where Captain Cook set sail with a little known botanist called Darwin and where Bram Stoker first created Dracula, that fish and chips is not the greatest English take out food.**

And the UK food onthe hoof rating; :up: :up: :up: :up: :up: out of ten.

* Douglas Adam : The Meaning of Liff
** No, I'm not going to include Haggis, which frankly, considering it is mushed up sheep's offal in the sheep bladder, I'm not even sure it qualifies as food.
December 2009
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