Monday, 9. November 2009, 09:37:04
To each and every friend and acquintance I have here
I wish to share with you that my absence from my opera hasn`t just been because of work but it`s also because I`m not in a good space right now. My mindset isn`t what it should be in order for me to share my life with you. I hope and pray that it`ll change soon cause I miss you all and do miss the communication and interaction which I thoroughly enjoyed with you all.
Till the confusion reaches a point of turning into sense...
Take care of yourselves and stay the wonderfull people you are
LOVE
Thursday, 30. July 2009, 23:02:08
love
What makes us fall inlove, time and time again?
What is it about love, that keeps us hooked to it?
Is it the butterflies you get in your stomach, everytime you see that special someone. Or is it the stuttering which occurs out of the blue, when you see them and their pressence leaves you at a loss for words. Or the sweaty palms you get when your phone rings and your caller ID shows their name.
Or maybe it's the comfort you find in being with them and the fun you have by just being you, with them and they expose the true them to you. Maybe it's the amazing ability they practise, to make you feel special in a packed crowd. Or make you feel beautiful when you not even dressed up. Or maybe it's how special they make you feel when they open the doors for you, offer you their seat, carry heavy things just so that you don't have to or insisting on paying when you out together.
Maybe it's the warm fuzzy feeling you get inside when they look at you, with eyes that tells you your amazing. Or gentle kisses that tells you I want you, care for you, love you. Or could it be those hugs you can never get enough of, hugs that says I want to protect you always. I don't ever want to lose you, I hope this lasts always?
These aren't half of the feelings and sensations, you experience when you're inlove but just a few. But I think these few are enough to hold on to...once you've found it.
I don't have the answers and therefor I'm still searching for it. But what I do know is if the old fashioned kind of love still existed, I would love to find me some. I think people knew how to love completely and unconditionally. Better in the past then now...but on the other hand I could be wrong.
Tuesday, 19. May 2009, 11:00:52
confusion
I never really understood what it meant, when someone says they're at a crossroad in they're life. Now I truly understand what they felt and experienced.
I've never been uncertain about what I want in life but the last few years, things have changed drastically. Maybe it's just me who changed...I could handle anything life threw at me and never lost certainty of what I want and need to do to get it. I never wanted to just give up a fight, if I knew I was right and I would never back down from a challenge. I never got tired of helping others and sacrifising for others. I would always first think of others before I think of myself, I would consider others first in every decision I made. If what I wanted to do would hurt others but make me happy, I wouldn't do it.
I endured alot of pain and unhappiness for those closest to me. I would cut out my heart if I had to, to ensure someone else is happy. Without ever regretting anything, without wishing I did anything differently.
Back then I thought I knew myself, I felt so certain about my life, what I'm going to do and what will make me happiest. Now I don't even know myself anymore......I've never felt so uncertain about what I want in life or what I need the most. I don't know if I still want to do this job, do I still want this as a career? Do I still want to be very succesfull and help others where and when I can, do I still want to fall inlove and be a good partner to someone deserving of my unconditional love? Do I still love singing and music, do I still want to spend holidays with my friends, do I still want to open up and let people get to know the true me? Am I still the girl with the great love to share with others, do I still want to sacrifice my world to ensure that my family and friends are happy.
Who am I? Am I still selfless, loving, caring and understanding. Am I still the person I want young kids to look up to and admire and idolise? What am I going to do with the rest of my life, what do I want to do with it? Do I still want a rest of my life?
I don't know anymore, I don't know where to from here...I don't know what to do or which way to turn.
Monday, 30. March 2009, 09:30:44
depressed, hopeless, sad
She wakes up as usual, at odd hours of the morning. It's been going on for months and nothing will help her get a goodnight's sleep, besides sleeping pills. The problem with that is, she'll become dependent on them again...that's not what she needs now. She rolls around while listening to the radio, until she eventually falls asleep again. If only for another few hours...
She finally awakes again, feeling worse then yesterday...wishing she could just roll-up, close her head and sleep forever. Never having to awake again to a life she dispises. There's nothing to look forward to, just going to work cause she has to, just going out at times when the walls are really closing in on her, even if she's home alone. She loves her job but lost the passion for it along with her passion for love and life. What is she to do, if she don't want to do anything anymore...she don't even want to live anymore.
She eventually drags herself out of bed and dump her fat ass on the couch, watching television and eating again. That's the main way she drowns her sorrows, eating anything that'll add the kilos. It makes her feel better if only for a short while, afterwards she's just feeling more depressed cause how will she shed the extra kilos if she can't stop eating. She just sits there not even having the energy to get up and go visit a friend or read a book or do any of the things she wants to.
Whenever she does something for herself, she's feeling guilty. She feels selfish if she goes and visits a friend, goes shopping for herself or just has her hair done. She should've spend that time at home with her family or doing something for them like cooking if they're not home. She feels like she should've spend that money on them instead of herself.
She don't know how to get through the days anymore, she wishes for them to stop. Nothing she does is right or good enough, she don't know how to get herself out of this. She just spends everyday becoming more anti-social, despite efforts of getting out of it. To her, everyday is about what others want, what she needs to do to make others happy. And everyday she faces the terrible truth...she has no life.
Friday, 27. February 2009, 10:15:48
Since my last blog I`ve made numerous unsuccesfull attempts to get back to my blog, there is so much I would love to write and share with my friends but somethings holding me back. I`ve discovered so much about myself while writing but I can`t seem to completely embrace that part of me. Why not????
Maybe I`m just too busy or to shy or to scared or just a coward again. Trying to run away from myself, not learning that one can never run nor hide from one-self, I know that for a fact but it hasn`t kept me from trying tho.
My life`s filled with so much confusion and uncertainty that it`s got me at a complete loss of words and it dumped me in a whirlpool of fear, anger, heartache and in a deep hole I don`t want to exit. I`m scared of so much rigt now... I have the world of advice for others but not for myself. I`m starting to feel lost within myself, in the world, in my own life.
I`ve never felt so helpless...
I need to find the strenght and courage to find myself again cause there are so many people depending on me for advice and strenght and clarity and so much more. I don`t want to let them down but I`m just so lost...
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WIDGETIZE