Wednesday, 25. January 2006, 10:57:39
It was a year yesterday that a tiny spark of hope and a full blown blaze of love brought us Samuel.
Looking back to the years and months before I realise how much we've been through.
Trying for two years to get pregnant, going through the first few months in a sort of defensive denial (I almost did'nt want to believe I was having a baby I was so afraid something would go wrong).
Today, reading through a friends's post in her
blog, who's just found out she is having a boy and that all is well with her baby after a previous miscarriage, I felt a little funny under my daily battle armour of calm and courage... Being an active part on the Miracle of Life (giving birth) is the most amazing thing that has or will ever happen to me, but it has also introduced me to the most terrifying heart shattering fear that can enter your heart - that anything awful may happen to your child!
What will he grow-up to be like, what if he becomes ill (phisically or mentally), what can you do to prevent these things?... Of course you love, teach and protect them and wish for the best but in the end it's really not in your hands, but mostly in theirs. I am not a fearfull person, I am an optimist by nature but I still cannot escape these thoughts...
However, these fears pale over the shinning bright light that sparkles in our eyes when we are together and are daily workers of the Miracle of Life that so perfectly stacks the building bricks of our Family!
On a brighter and lighter note Samuel was delighted with his presents yesterday, had a great time but was a bit intrigued when we dimmed the lights, lit the candle and all started singing happy birthday in a sadly out of tune chorus. His little frown seemed to say... "What's all this about then? Why is the cake burning? Gee you sound awful! Let me get back to my toys, please..."