Posts tagged with "joke"
THERE'S ONLY 24 HOURS LEFT TO SAVE MY DAUGHTER FROM PRISON
There now remains only 24 hours left before my daughter's sentence hearing. And I fear the worst. She might very well end up in prison. At this point only you can save her, you the good people of the internet.
First of all, on my own behalf, I would like to say that I have done my very best for my daughter Madeline ever since her mother's commitment to the asylum for cocaine addiction and my relocation to Australia to become my company's CEO. It wasn't easy trying to raise a teenage daughter who was staying thousands of miles away with her alcoholic grandmother. And I swear I had no idea at the time that my Mom was giving her "just a wee bit" of her gin a couple times a day. I did talk with Madeline a few times during that fiscal year and to me she seemed sober -- except perhaps the time she started talking about the "creepy" neighbour who kept inviting her over to play "doll house" as she strangely put it. Well I really didn't know what to make of that and I still don't.
And can I be responsible for the canings she received at the girl's boarding school in Switzerland I sent her to? Truth is, Madeline just didn't fit in there. And that's exactly what I told her on the phone mid-air as I was flying to Singapore to get the new Ramsstein-Sonne contract signed, or what at least I was trying to tell her before she broke down crying and we hit a squall and lost our connection.
Six months later Madeline called me from Florence saying that she was unhappy and wanted a real home life. So I sent her a wire for €10,000 assuming she would go back to her grandmother, or perhaps our empty but still serviceable mansion in Nashville. And in fact I didn't hear from her for several years even though she had my cell phone number. And then, just as I was preparing for the G8 conference two months ago, out of the blue I got word that poor Madeline was in jail.
Oh sure I sent my attorney over to Jacksonville to represent her. But in spite of all the money I spent my lawyer couldn't seem to sway the jury. It seems that it is hard to refute evidence when a 21 year old girl with pink hair and snake tattoo on her neck stabs a police horse with a knife down town in broad daylight. I hope that at the sentence hearing they will note that the horse hardly felt the stab wound at all, and if it weren't for the cop mounted on top of it that my Madeline's actions would hardly have been noted.
That is why it is up for you, the public, to come to her aid. I would be there myself but unfortunately by the time my plane leaves Sydney after the East Asian Broker's Convention ends it would not get to Florida in time. So I ask all of you out on the internet to act on my behalf and sign the petition to be presented at the sentence hearing. I originally wanted to offer you all $50 each for signing through PayPal, but my lawyer tells me that might not be legal. So I ask you to do it for me -- a hard working man suffering from chronic jet lag.
It's up to you. Please sign the petition for Madeline.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to mess all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a DA supporter!"
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an ANC Government official"
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
somehow, now it's my fault?!"
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be
successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was
very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do
you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than
the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a
young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was
handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses,
Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"
qlue - (I haven't got a qlue)
Anything is possible -(but not everything is viable)
My apologies to anyone I've embarrassed by posting this! .
(you know who you are, hopefully no one else does.)
Should Muslim athletes who are participating in Olympic events observe the fast of Ramadaan?
- Yes, the fast of Ramadaan comes first.
- No, they should perform their missed fasts later.
- It depends on the type of event and how seriously fasting will impact their results.
- None of the above.
Total: 29 votes