Directory of Lost Causes

So many things in life piss me off. I don't have the energy to shoot them down here and now.

In a recent post I stated that, because of the discovery that I actually have readers, "I feel a little bit shaken up and that maybe I should be slightly more responsible, and less of an arsehole." I've kind of changed my mind about that, partly because I'm just so pissed off with the world that I don't know if I can manage those things anyway, and partly because of this. It's an article about how boring celebrity blogs are. I quote therefrom:

Take a look at David Beckham’s post just after moving to America. He says, “Well, it’s been a very busy 10 days since we arrived in LA, but we’re settling in nicely and you’ll be glad to know that my first few training sessions went well.” Of course they went well David, news flash – you’re a football god. What about your new home? Is there a spare bedroom for us? And what about your new best friends Tom and Katie? Come on Becks, give us something! If you have the will to keep reading, you’ll find one-sentence accounts of football matches and practices. After a while, the brevity of each post becomes a blessing.

I'm fairly confident that I know the reason why celebrities blogs are so boring. They don't want to offend anyone. When you're a celebrity, and you have a vast audience, the chances that someone in that audience will be offended by something that you have to say are multiplied accordingly. And for celebrities, the size of the audience counts. And, after all, they're only there to play football/make entirely redundant music/star in entirely redundant films and make money, anyway. Why the hell would they actually want to risk alienating their audience by opening their mouths and showing what arseholes they are?

For those of you who have only just tuned in, I am a writer and consider my blog to be secondary to my real writing. For that reason, I do actually try not to be an arsehole here on my blog. There's a bit in the film Amadeus where Mozart defends himself saying, "I'm a vulgar man, but I assure you, my music is not." I suppose I've long felt that my blog is not really me writing at all; it's me in conversation mode, opening my big mouth in a way that celebrities never do. That's fine, because I'm not a celebrity (I don't think there's any argument on that score). But it has caused me some anxiety because

a) I don't particularly want to be an arsehole
b) I don't want the fact that I am one to prejudice anyone against my real writing

However, for the moment, at least, reading that article on celebrities blogs reassures me that there are some benefits to being an arsehole, or rather, to not hiding it (not that I could really hide it if I tried, which I have). Because at least it goes some way towards stopping me being the entirely crashing bore that I would be if I were Victoria Beckham. So, well, even if I do make a limp attempt to be more responsible with this blog, I probably won't try much harder than I already have tried not to be an arsehole. I hope I've made myself clear.

Just to make it clearer, because apparently there can be language problems about these things, when I say 'arsehole', I don't mean 'asshole'. Using the language of the speech from Team America, I would no doubt be a 'pussy', which is different to a cunt. So, to recap, a cunt is like an asshole, though the former is probably a bit worse. A pussy, such as myself, may also be an arsehole, but is unlikely to be an asshole. Although there may indeed be some pussy/asshole crossover via the perineum, and this may even be more common than generally imagined.

I understand that this use of the word 'cunt' may be offensive to some people, but then some people are offensive to me. Besides, I'll probably go into the linguistic and cultural implications of this in a separate entry.

Examples of this particular usage of 'cunt': Jack Straw, just for being Jack Straw, but also for being a cunt with regard to voting for the closure of post offices in private whilst publicly campaigning to keep them open. Jack Shit, man of straw. And complete cunt.

[In this post I originally listed a few people as examples of 'cunts'. Obviously I was being playful and ambiguous, anyway, but I've decided that this is childish, and I've removed their names. All except Jack Straw.]

Now, I hope I'm not one of the above, though it can't be ruled out. However, if I'm an arsehole then who would I give as examples? I don't know. I suppose someone like Jim Morrisson. I'm not saying that I'm as cool as he was or anything (I'm more the pussy version of an arsehole), but, you probably get the idea if I say that. No? Er... Also Dazai Osamu, Morrissey, Peter Cook... these are all people I like, by the way, although, of course, there are some arseholes I don't. Anyway...



All of this reminds me of a chap I knew at university who would always introduce himself by extending his hand to be shaked and saying, "Hello, I'm the Arsehole." This caused confusion and bewilderment in some, although there was a friend of mine who was 'like "Yeah, whatever"'. Personally, I couldn't help thinking, "Why didn't I think of that?" So, I'm afraid that if I introduce myself to you today, it must simply be as 'an arsehole', not as the definite article. Mind you, I suppose he may have abdicated from his position as 'the Arsehole'. I could fill that space. I wonder where he is now? Still with us, I hope.

Ah, happy days!

Oh, one last thing:

We’re in no doubt that celebrities believe their blogs to be successful, but in our minds, they’re failures. Rather than giving us an insight into the real person behind the celebrity, they are simply another outlet through which to promote a current project – but we’re still left wondering about the part of the star that doesn’t get covered in the media. We wanted to know more about David, Victoria and Jamie as everyday people, not as footballer, diva and chef.

I don't want a fucking 'insight into the real person behind the celebrity'. I don't want any part of 'the star' that isn't covered by the media. I don't want them at all. What I'd really like is for Vlad the Impaler (not Vlad the Impala) to invite them to a really hot party where 'anybody who is anybody simply has to be there'.